BUT just because im having a good time doesnt man in neccessarily happy. My emotions are so messed up right now, it could drive me crazy.
Today was the best and the worst. The snowboarding was so hard but we completed it. James an, mat and i went on a ski lift with our boards, so much scarier tha with skis At the end i panicked and left the ski left too late, i literally had to ift my self up and jump, hrt my knee realy bad. When i looked beind me, they each jumped off and we were all sprawled on the floor, was funny, except the ski guy was like "GET UP!" making me panic.
we finished and went tubing, (going down this mutha hill tht they smooth in a rubber inner tube.) IT WAS SO FUN. i screamed the whole time, like "WHOOOO YEAH" even though it wasnt that fun.
but i gotso cold we had to stop.Devaki had to massage my feet in the nearest cafe. She was afraid i had frostbite, and they still feel weird no so i hope nothings rong with them. I nearly cried from the pain (therefore it REALLY hurt)
(look at ALL my caps locks and over emphasis!)
o im not happy. O yeah devaki and thomas went down in the tubing (you can go in groups, so me mat, ani, jam, and keiran went together) they were the fastest people ever and crashed into barriers waaaay far away.
anyway yes, not happy, im going to cry my eyes out when leaving friday night/sat morn. I have no desire to come back to england. maybe one, but im trying to repress that one.
i hate this, i hate this so much i just dont want to go back to uni and cant wait for a reunion in the caribbean in february, and then saving up to come back for august.
I also feel really very sick from the exessiveness of today, cant bend my fingers
Friday, December 29, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
but i still, havent found, what im looking for.
went snow boarding today, wasnt really looking forward to it. thank goodness mathew came along. (cousin) the instructor was duuuh. i had to help my sister most of the time, then when it was my turn he just flirted, got paid to flirt with two boys and two girls then just ran off. he was from london, so go figure.
anielia dropped her board. ok i'll explain.
i shuffle off to put on my board after a run, anielia: "WHERE YA GOIN'?" I explain that the snow is flatter so i wont slide down as im doing up the catch on the board. so she comes towards me then drops her board down (enabling it to slide freely down the hill) she attempts a run and it falls into some trees near us. I run into the trees and im THIGH deep in snow (was so fun but when it gets up your elbows it stings like a barbie) managed to climb out with help from the snowboard (like Eskimo ski shoes i'''t) i walk back up, and tell anielia to go down. as i walk up my board starts to slide, hits a barrier a'ok.
THEN from where i dont know anielias board gets loose again. It slides down our hill, breaks through the barrier into the expert skiers hill, then jumps off the side of the cliff. I go to investigate. "Rather die" i proclaim, "than fecth that thing." This snow was deeper than before. Its like a forest immersed in snow, but if you walked in it youd be swallowed up. I cant explain, its was really deep, the snow made it less deep, but yeah. We call the people, they tell us we have to get it. Mathew goes down, everyone else is like lalalala, doesnt realise how scary it is, im standing at the edge of this cliff terrified for him. At the end hes all exhausted and red and sweating, having had to climb up a mountain basically with just the use of snowboard and really light snow.
My bum is bruised. on christmas we went to the field outside their house, we did snow skating which is like sledding/tobogganing. James made the BEST run.
He packed all this ice together at the bottom so when you hit it with the sled, youd jump into the air. I was the only one who really did it, i went so fast i got so much air and i landed really hard, (i was using a really hard plastic sphere) i nearly cried from pain and laughing, i hit my spine so hard ive still got a headache where it knocked my skull/brain whatev. so fun though, then he added one half way through, everytime i hit it i sounded like i was being sick (delish)
ahhh best holiday. he added another one near the top too. Hes a genius. it was so much fun, its snowing again now so hopefully itll be really thick when we go again tomoro (after more boarding) why am i typing this (you ask) for myself (i say)
my biggest fear is forgetting things, thats why i take so many pictures/write everything down.
o yeah yesterday we also went to a cabin for christmas, on the way there we played this music, really meaningless music to me. I have NO point to make (or one that i feel i want people to read) ANYWAY
i have pink floyd in my head and some song about capatalising on this good fortune, and u2 urgh.
Thomas: did you fall down a lot?
matdana: we scaled the city walls, we scaaaaled the city walls.
Thomas: what did you do?
matdana: we ran through the fields, only to be with you....only to be, with you.
Thomas: did you enjoy it?
matdana: but we still, havent found, what we're looking for.
nytz, the similarities between mathew and i and mathew and the nest friends ive had are eerie.
eerie indiana, i loved that show.
gonne play ds.
anielia dropped her board. ok i'll explain.
i shuffle off to put on my board after a run, anielia: "WHERE YA GOIN'?" I explain that the snow is flatter so i wont slide down as im doing up the catch on the board. so she comes towards me then drops her board down (enabling it to slide freely down the hill) she attempts a run and it falls into some trees near us. I run into the trees and im THIGH deep in snow (was so fun but when it gets up your elbows it stings like a barbie) managed to climb out with help from the snowboard (like Eskimo ski shoes i'''t) i walk back up, and tell anielia to go down. as i walk up my board starts to slide, hits a barrier a'ok.
THEN from where i dont know anielias board gets loose again. It slides down our hill, breaks through the barrier into the expert skiers hill, then jumps off the side of the cliff. I go to investigate. "Rather die" i proclaim, "than fecth that thing." This snow was deeper than before. Its like a forest immersed in snow, but if you walked in it youd be swallowed up. I cant explain, its was really deep, the snow made it less deep, but yeah. We call the people, they tell us we have to get it. Mathew goes down, everyone else is like lalalala, doesnt realise how scary it is, im standing at the edge of this cliff terrified for him. At the end hes all exhausted and red and sweating, having had to climb up a mountain basically with just the use of snowboard and really light snow.
My bum is bruised. on christmas we went to the field outside their house, we did snow skating which is like sledding/tobogganing. James made the BEST run.
He packed all this ice together at the bottom so when you hit it with the sled, youd jump into the air. I was the only one who really did it, i went so fast i got so much air and i landed really hard, (i was using a really hard plastic sphere) i nearly cried from pain and laughing, i hit my spine so hard ive still got a headache where it knocked my skull/brain whatev. so fun though, then he added one half way through, everytime i hit it i sounded like i was being sick (delish)
ahhh best holiday. he added another one near the top too. Hes a genius. it was so much fun, its snowing again now so hopefully itll be really thick when we go again tomoro (after more boarding) why am i typing this (you ask) for myself (i say)
my biggest fear is forgetting things, thats why i take so many pictures/write everything down.
o yeah yesterday we also went to a cabin for christmas, on the way there we played this music, really meaningless music to me. I have NO point to make (or one that i feel i want people to read) ANYWAY
i have pink floyd in my head and some song about capatalising on this good fortune, and u2 urgh.
Thomas: did you fall down a lot?
matdana: we scaled the city walls, we scaaaaled the city walls.
Thomas: what did you do?
matdana: we ran through the fields, only to be with you....only to be, with you.
Thomas: did you enjoy it?
matdana: but we still, havent found, what we're looking for.
nytz, the similarities between mathew and i and mathew and the nest friends ive had are eerie.
eerie indiana, i loved that show.
gonne play ds.
Monday, December 25, 2006
canada
I cant remember being THIS happy or enjoying myself this much. I actually dont want to leave and am really close to asking my parents to extend my stay a bit. The reason i didnt want to stay past new years was kinda cos i didnt want to miss things with people, but i actually dont care anymore. would much rather prefer to just hang out here. we played the wii, that was like the least fun (which shows how great this place is as it was AWESOME) ive fallen in love with their cats, and now they lick me everytime i sleep. i actually feel sad thinking ill be one this time next week. ill be in england at some crappy house party. ugh.
we went to church today, even they have heard of my uncle and his band, was cool. we just walk into shops and their posters are there.
fallen in love with this place, even if the snow wasnt here it would still be great, we just came back from sledding and making snow angels and crap snowmen and racing down hills. i love my cousins, never met them before but we get along really well....weirdly. think theyre rushing me off to do someting with their inlaws,. i fell sad i dont miss england only miss a couple people, how lame is that. i wish they were here with me.
i reallywant a pet.
ahh look how lame i have become, its because this place is so great.
be happy those few i care about
xxxxxxxxxxxx#
(o i just thought about england and all the people i really dont want to see...ok sad again)
we went to church today, even they have heard of my uncle and his band, was cool. we just walk into shops and their posters are there.
fallen in love with this place, even if the snow wasnt here it would still be great, we just came back from sledding and making snow angels and crap snowmen and racing down hills. i love my cousins, never met them before but we get along really well....weirdly. think theyre rushing me off to do someting with their inlaws,. i fell sad i dont miss england only miss a couple people, how lame is that. i wish they were here with me.
i reallywant a pet.
ahh look how lame i have become, its because this place is so great.
be happy those few i care about
xxxxxxxxxxxx#
(o i just thought about england and all the people i really dont want to see...ok sad again)
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
i wish i was in Laguna Beach
it's my last day/night in england and im spending it alone in the house( with my brother)
it would have been a really good day if i hadnt come home, we went to blue water and everything.
im not even looking forward to going anymore.
but then again dont want to stay here either. i have to read out something for some extended family somewhere for his presentaion, my aunt couldnt be arsed so asked me to do it when i was at uni, now she can do it but shes still making me do it. My dad just shouted at me "if you didnt want to do it why didnt you say so?"
i did.
he also shouted at me for saying he gave me the printouts with the info i had to read. If giving your daughter something is 'laying them on her suitcase when she comes back from uni but has gone out for the day and night and then moving them somewhere else and not telling her what or where they are'-then he gave them to me and im severly retarded.
i think ariege is calling me, my phone is messed up. i want to go out tonight but i have -35 in my account (and no overdraft) and im tired and in a bad mood.
my friends totally suck.
(from newstead)
(in my year)
im so bored of this. i actually want to go back to uni now. at least people dont steal from me there (yes, still not over it) and i dont have people raising their voices at me and shouting my name every second.
argh theres no way im living in england the rest of my life
it would have been a really good day if i hadnt come home, we went to blue water and everything.
im not even looking forward to going anymore.
but then again dont want to stay here either. i have to read out something for some extended family somewhere for his presentaion, my aunt couldnt be arsed so asked me to do it when i was at uni, now she can do it but shes still making me do it. My dad just shouted at me "if you didnt want to do it why didnt you say so?"
i did.
he also shouted at me for saying he gave me the printouts with the info i had to read. If giving your daughter something is 'laying them on her suitcase when she comes back from uni but has gone out for the day and night and then moving them somewhere else and not telling her what or where they are'-then he gave them to me and im severly retarded.
i think ariege is calling me, my phone is messed up. i want to go out tonight but i have -35 in my account (and no overdraft) and im tired and in a bad mood.
my friends totally suck.
(from newstead)
(in my year)
im so bored of this. i actually want to go back to uni now. at least people dont steal from me there (yes, still not over it) and i dont have people raising their voices at me and shouting my name every second.
argh theres no way im living in england the rest of my life
Monday, December 18, 2006
christmas
today is christmas day in our house.
well actually at about 7. hum ho hum
thats all i guess.
i cant be bothered with packing and flights, just wanna transport there then transport back.
this episode of scrubs is really good. where janitor dates elliot and jd does the right thing and loses out anyway lalala
james and i have decided to name our first born Shao Kahn.
i miss games, i want a wii but then i dont, it just looks interesting but the games look crap.
lalalalala good time sunday night, better when a certain person left (no one knows him anyway so lalala)
ariege have a new years party.
everythings complicated.
i went to a party on friday and this pratt stole some stuff from me and from other people, ive just thouht about it again and im so angry. and the person that knows him is just letting it slide, arrghhhh its not even important apart from the fact i have no money, and this pratt stole the last of the money i had. ARGJH.
anyway off to see my cuz.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
finahalee
http://controversiart.blogspot.com/
2000 words and a shorthand test to go. My temporary phone has died. Insert sim card and sim card rejected. Hello i want to scream, ive been using you lovingly for weeks. (except insert screaming and voice boxes breaking) (voice box, i only have one)
im sick of computers and technology. Im so glad i have a watch.
ian bought me comics for my birthday, im going to make food (ive been in this same seat for the last 9 hours with no food) (come on father thats an achievement, ive been working)
and sit down and read friendly neighbourhood spiderman.
uhhh i hate this city. My glasses do nothing. someone pretend to be me and get my money back.
2000 words and a shorthand test to go. My temporary phone has died. Insert sim card and sim card rejected. Hello i want to scream, ive been using you lovingly for weeks. (except insert screaming and voice boxes breaking) (voice box, i only have one)
im sick of computers and technology. Im so glad i have a watch.
ian bought me comics for my birthday, im going to make food (ive been in this same seat for the last 9 hours with no food) (come on father thats an achievement, ive been working)
and sit down and read friendly neighbourhood spiderman.
uhhh i hate this city. My glasses do nothing. someone pretend to be me and get my money back.
STRESS
Yesterday was the most work related stressful day of my life.
ALL my work got lost for radio, hours of editing. So i had to do it again. Then it got lost. So i had to painstakingly do it AGAIN.
Then i had to do shakires,(twice) then hyguettes, then elizabeths. I missed out on the editing lesson while these people didnt. arrrghhhh. Also something that annoys me is the fact they are going to get a better grade than me, though i did all their work. (The people i interviewed were IDIOTS. "o are there cuts to the nhs? thats all i have to say." "i think its a bad idea" me-"can you explain why its a bad idea?" "nah, i just think it is")
i should have done what everyone else did and asked about celebrities or something, i forgot i hated people.
Then our video group-disaster, dont even want to talk about it. I was so tense i got a massive headache. This uni is so crap- we're paying for something, but its not going anywhere, cant really make a video when the sound equipment is CRAP.
I managed to do 500 words though. Then just crashed in the apple mac room and lay there. Nereasha and i went to the plough to get food. I had 'saved' £5 up cos my flatmates wanted a christmas meal, then someone told me it wasnt happening. So i went to the plough. We ate, i kept zoning out-thats what lack of sleep and no food does to you. Sometimes conversations are boring. I stared at people for a while. I was staring so much and not realising what i was looking at, that when i kinda resumed consciousness, i realised i was staring at 2 boys making out. Then this loud bang was heard. I turned around and a girl playign pool earlier, was just lying on the floor with the cue in her hands. Just-lying -there. I ate my chips and watched.
Her eyes were open. I thought she was an idiot, you dont just lay there when yu're capable of moving, just get up. She finally got up after pretending to be dead or whatever. pssh attention seekers. She was believable though, fell quite stiff and right on her face. Must have hurt her chest-lalala.
My flat mates looked at me in pity when i walked in. I paid £2.35 and got desert. I talked to sophie who i never see. We walked back to the plough because i wanted to win a snowboard, then walked back. dan castrated and i had a massive discussion on why at the end of year 13, chloe (outcasts-my group) angered stef (her old best friend) so much that vito (stefs bf) punched dan and mona (my best girl friend) and then got a restarining order put on her.
My rooms a mess. Im in the library.
i only have 3500 words to go!
This time next week i'll be en route a la canada. i cant wait to see my sister. I actually get nervous/sick thinking about it
(im not freakishly obsessed with my siblings, im just very close to them. The only version of homesick i get (minus trinidad) is missing them)
macs are cool
ALL my work got lost for radio, hours of editing. So i had to do it again. Then it got lost. So i had to painstakingly do it AGAIN.
Then i had to do shakires,(twice) then hyguettes, then elizabeths. I missed out on the editing lesson while these people didnt. arrrghhhh. Also something that annoys me is the fact they are going to get a better grade than me, though i did all their work. (The people i interviewed were IDIOTS. "o are there cuts to the nhs? thats all i have to say." "i think its a bad idea" me-"can you explain why its a bad idea?" "nah, i just think it is")
i should have done what everyone else did and asked about celebrities or something, i forgot i hated people.
Then our video group-disaster, dont even want to talk about it. I was so tense i got a massive headache. This uni is so crap- we're paying for something, but its not going anywhere, cant really make a video when the sound equipment is CRAP.
I managed to do 500 words though. Then just crashed in the apple mac room and lay there. Nereasha and i went to the plough to get food. I had 'saved' £5 up cos my flatmates wanted a christmas meal, then someone told me it wasnt happening. So i went to the plough. We ate, i kept zoning out-thats what lack of sleep and no food does to you. Sometimes conversations are boring. I stared at people for a while. I was staring so much and not realising what i was looking at, that when i kinda resumed consciousness, i realised i was staring at 2 boys making out. Then this loud bang was heard. I turned around and a girl playign pool earlier, was just lying on the floor with the cue in her hands. Just-lying -there. I ate my chips and watched.
Her eyes were open. I thought she was an idiot, you dont just lay there when yu're capable of moving, just get up. She finally got up after pretending to be dead or whatever. pssh attention seekers. She was believable though, fell quite stiff and right on her face. Must have hurt her chest-lalala.
My flat mates looked at me in pity when i walked in. I paid £2.35 and got desert. I talked to sophie who i never see. We walked back to the plough because i wanted to win a snowboard, then walked back. dan castrated and i had a massive discussion on why at the end of year 13, chloe (outcasts-my group) angered stef (her old best friend) so much that vito (stefs bf) punched dan and mona (my best girl friend) and then got a restarining order put on her.
My rooms a mess. Im in the library.
i only have 3500 words to go!
This time next week i'll be en route a la canada. i cant wait to see my sister. I actually get nervous/sick thinking about it
(im not freakishly obsessed with my siblings, im just very close to them. The only version of homesick i get (minus trinidad) is missing them)
macs are cool
Saturday, December 09, 2006
o i dont feel very well
i must have been home hours now, came home walked around bromley a bit then crashed. Woken up and been eating fruit but still feel tres horrible.
Im going to canada on the 20th-30th of December. I am more excited than i am making out, just-
so-
damn-
sick. (yeah shatner-esque)
uuurrgrghhh.
i dont know whether im more excited about going to canda, skiing in canada, meeting my cousins for the first time who i talk to a lot anyway, seeing my sister for the first time in over a year, hanging out with just my sibs in the freezing cold, or just getting away from england.
whatever it is, i am very excited. Bookings are ticked i nearly typed, then decided to type it anyway-yeah you get me.
Had a REALLY good night last night, me, a english person, a french person and 2 russians. If someone told me that "on friday night you'll be sitting round a cold table talking to this group of people, you'll eat cheese and crackers and bread and they will be drinking wine and cognac and rum and as the night progresses their english will steadily get worse and harder to understand" then i would say, nope, let me be. But it was excellent. We talked til about nearly 1. even the food selection was nice.
Was really relaxing and just nice i guess.
anyway ive got
500 words for tuesday
1200 words for thursday
2000 words for Friday. (+ editing our video monday and editing my radio package for tuesday)
I said it more than once and i'll scream it again, i cant wait for this horrible last week to be over.Its weird to be home. I saw james in kfc in bromley, that was nice.
O man i dont want to go back to uni.
i really dont feel well.
(sings) i wanna be the very best, that no one ever was...
Im going to canada on the 20th-30th of December. I am more excited than i am making out, just-
so-
damn-
sick. (yeah shatner-esque)
uuurrgrghhh.
i dont know whether im more excited about going to canda, skiing in canada, meeting my cousins for the first time who i talk to a lot anyway, seeing my sister for the first time in over a year, hanging out with just my sibs in the freezing cold, or just getting away from england.
whatever it is, i am very excited. Bookings are ticked i nearly typed, then decided to type it anyway-yeah you get me.
Had a REALLY good night last night, me, a english person, a french person and 2 russians. If someone told me that "on friday night you'll be sitting round a cold table talking to this group of people, you'll eat cheese and crackers and bread and they will be drinking wine and cognac and rum and as the night progresses their english will steadily get worse and harder to understand" then i would say, nope, let me be. But it was excellent. We talked til about nearly 1. even the food selection was nice.
Was really relaxing and just nice i guess.
anyway ive got
500 words for tuesday
1200 words for thursday
2000 words for Friday. (+ editing our video monday and editing my radio package for tuesday)
I said it more than once and i'll scream it again, i cant wait for this horrible last week to be over.Its weird to be home. I saw james in kfc in bromley, that was nice.
O man i dont want to go back to uni.
i really dont feel well.
(sings) i wanna be the very best, that no one ever was...
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
a little black number.
I did work last night, nearly finished my online project which is to just make a blog on this site and fill It up. ive only done 2 posts on banksy and emin. i need 2 more. gar.
Cate picked me up last night, we bought dessert and went to Michelle's house (Jared's older sister who got married, used to be in orpington, taught me for a while, mother hates me, the feeling is mutual, jared came to England yesterday morn)
We had chinese and desert and talked. It was fun, got a bit tired, until Geoff (her husb) and i got carried away talking about snatch. They asked what my favourite movie was, and everyone else said, "the notebook," "love actually" "blah crap blah." I sat there trying to think of a good lie, but in the end i just went,
well i guess its not really a good (church wise) movie to like, but my favourite is snatch. Then Geoff and i spent about an hour laughing over the quotes while michelle and cate looked on and laughed politely.
The only bits i can remember except for the food,
Geoff - "yeah i was in the SAS, but you have to kill people, so i quit and now im in HR."
Geoff - "i have to make sure everyone is comfortable so i have these meetings with managers. After one about cultural diversity, the guy leans over to me and says "o i just got this joke in an email.'" (i cant remember the joke properly to tell it, but something about guy ritchie with-holding madonnas credit cards because when he told her to go out and find a little black number, yeah etc)
All of a sudden i feel nervous and sick. I cant wait for the next week and a half to be over (hopefully with my work being done.)
If anyone has any art they like or an artist that is considered 'controversial' id really really appreciate it if you could tell me their names, you'd be helping me pass my first year.
o yeah 16th december lloyds apparently, but this wont happen as EVERYONE will have filled it out, theres like 16 facebook groups about it...not 16 i said 16 before so its in my head now. "the voice inside my 'eeeeeaaaaaaad."
"I hate this city."
senses fail?
Cate picked me up last night, we bought dessert and went to Michelle's house (Jared's older sister who got married, used to be in orpington, taught me for a while, mother hates me, the feeling is mutual, jared came to England yesterday morn)
We had chinese and desert and talked. It was fun, got a bit tired, until Geoff (her husb) and i got carried away talking about snatch. They asked what my favourite movie was, and everyone else said, "the notebook," "love actually" "blah crap blah." I sat there trying to think of a good lie, but in the end i just went,
well i guess its not really a good (church wise) movie to like, but my favourite is snatch. Then Geoff and i spent about an hour laughing over the quotes while michelle and cate looked on and laughed politely.
The only bits i can remember except for the food,
Geoff - "yeah i was in the SAS, but you have to kill people, so i quit and now im in HR."
Geoff - "i have to make sure everyone is comfortable so i have these meetings with managers. After one about cultural diversity, the guy leans over to me and says "o i just got this joke in an email.'" (i cant remember the joke properly to tell it, but something about guy ritchie with-holding madonnas credit cards because when he told her to go out and find a little black number, yeah etc)
All of a sudden i feel nervous and sick. I cant wait for the next week and a half to be over (hopefully with my work being done.)
If anyone has any art they like or an artist that is considered 'controversial' id really really appreciate it if you could tell me their names, you'd be helping me pass my first year.
o yeah 16th december lloyds apparently, but this wont happen as EVERYONE will have filled it out, theres like 16 facebook groups about it...not 16 i said 16 before so its in my head now. "the voice inside my 'eeeeeaaaaaaad."
"I hate this city."
senses fail?
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
"I'm a poor student for goodness sake. How much do you want?"
My insurance company are not going to give me a new phone. I paid £50 to send off the letter and I'm paying £17.50 for a Sim card. My dad tried out lots of unblocked phones for me to use, but stupid 3, you need a specific 3 phone for a 3 Sim card. So i have to reply on crappy credit (unreliable) and a crappy nokia (very unreliable)
My extra special friend has stayed with me the past couple of days, i gave them my ticket to go back home and they got fined £31 pounds for not having the accompanying young persons railcard. Losers. Robins Hood's worst enemy was written in a text that they sent me.I'm in a radio class. Ive done all i can do which is not enough. All the mini disc recorders have been taken by film students, this means i have to use my day off tomorrow to get one and then record people and then spend my weekend editing a decent vox pop. This uni does suck a tad. I also have 2 major essays to do, a blog to make, a video to start and finish and some shorthand to revise.
We have a shorthand test THIS FRIDAY. i am so scared. To be honest i have never felt this stressed out in my life. Maybe because this uni is crap and really doesn't know how to deal with students.
The last couple of days were stressful but good.
I went to aldershot ward. The Wallace family are cool, from Peru, i met Jared's sister Michelle again, i think she wants me to have a pizza with them tonight-not sure if i should reply to her text with a yes or a no I'm busy stressing.
I feel tired but not sick. I am actually looking forward to Christmas, this is not right.
I'm thinking of going to Thailand in June for 2 weeks and working with turtles. (Birthday present papa...?)
When i get down about uni or the people here, all i think about to make me happy is that
I'M GOING TO TRINIDAD IN (about) 9/10 WEEKS!
counting down the (approximate amount) of days
I want to go to roadhouse on Saturday with Lavanya, too much work, not enough money. I'm actually broke.
I probably (definitely) shouldn't have traveled home like every week (loser)
My extra special friend has stayed with me the past couple of days, i gave them my ticket to go back home and they got fined £31 pounds for not having the accompanying young persons railcard. Losers. Robins Hood's worst enemy was written in a text that they sent me.I'm in a radio class. Ive done all i can do which is not enough. All the mini disc recorders have been taken by film students, this means i have to use my day off tomorrow to get one and then record people and then spend my weekend editing a decent vox pop. This uni does suck a tad. I also have 2 major essays to do, a blog to make, a video to start and finish and some shorthand to revise.
We have a shorthand test THIS FRIDAY. i am so scared. To be honest i have never felt this stressed out in my life. Maybe because this uni is crap and really doesn't know how to deal with students.
The last couple of days were stressful but good.
I went to aldershot ward. The Wallace family are cool, from Peru, i met Jared's sister Michelle again, i think she wants me to have a pizza with them tonight-not sure if i should reply to her text with a yes or a no I'm busy stressing.
I feel tired but not sick. I am actually looking forward to Christmas, this is not right.
I'm thinking of going to Thailand in June for 2 weeks and working with turtles. (Birthday present papa...?)
When i get down about uni or the people here, all i think about to make me happy is that
I'M GOING TO TRINIDAD IN (about) 9/10 WEEKS!
counting down the (approximate amount) of days
I want to go to roadhouse on Saturday with Lavanya, too much work, not enough money. I'm actually broke.
I probably (definitely) shouldn't have traveled home like every week (loser)
Saturday, December 02, 2006
stress
just had my job interview, first weekend at uni, so much work, dorothy perkins didnt have dresses in my size, james bond thing on thursday dont know what to do arrghh.
My course leader is a PRATT. I have to go filming on monday, though they dont know what they are filming.
We finish for 6 WEEKS (YES) in 2 weeks and so many deadlines have suddenly sprung up. Bad uni, bad organisation, bad, bad people. Apart from my flatmates and the people i choose to hang out with i HATE the people. Hate em with a pashmina.
Yesterday we went to hyde park with the church people. Adam didnt go. Joel came late-i felt happier when he was there. Fiona went off with her bf.
Psycho-Blah and fat-blah were there, they were shocked to see me talking to people. Later they were with Billie so i pulled her away from them. A guy that looked like elijah wood invited me to a party "do you do journalism?" "How did you guess?" "Because you're thinking of fast answers to turn me down."
Chris Mann also asked for my number, i thought he was joking so didnt say anything, til he asked again.
Gordon Rollo was there. He's fit. He cheated on an old friend of mine called megan. she expected me to say "o sorry." But instead i said "well now he's horribly and grossly attractive."
This boy i met that goes to institute was dancing with his ipod on, the whole night he listened to Justin Timberlake, While they were playing slow songs and slow dancing, he was doing all those weird moves justin loserlake does.
Cate is going out with a boy called reuben i used to know when i was 16...smallllll world.
Also small world, when we went to see my uncle play last saturday, my friend told me she'd seen him play before in his band, Calgary 04. How strange.
My room is in a mess. I actually have no enthusiasm. Except for this job, met friends already though i might not get it.
Ok i need to go find a dress ad a date on the internet, then go to my room and watch garden state with subtitles because the audio doesnt work, while fretting about the amount of work i have to do
ciao
My course leader is a PRATT. I have to go filming on monday, though they dont know what they are filming.
We finish for 6 WEEKS (YES) in 2 weeks and so many deadlines have suddenly sprung up. Bad uni, bad organisation, bad, bad people. Apart from my flatmates and the people i choose to hang out with i HATE the people. Hate em with a pashmina.
Yesterday we went to hyde park with the church people. Adam didnt go. Joel came late-i felt happier when he was there. Fiona went off with her bf.
Psycho-Blah and fat-blah were there, they were shocked to see me talking to people. Later they were with Billie so i pulled her away from them. A guy that looked like elijah wood invited me to a party "do you do journalism?" "How did you guess?" "Because you're thinking of fast answers to turn me down."
Chris Mann also asked for my number, i thought he was joking so didnt say anything, til he asked again.
Gordon Rollo was there. He's fit. He cheated on an old friend of mine called megan. she expected me to say "o sorry." But instead i said "well now he's horribly and grossly attractive."
This boy i met that goes to institute was dancing with his ipod on, the whole night he listened to Justin Timberlake, While they were playing slow songs and slow dancing, he was doing all those weird moves justin loserlake does.
Cate is going out with a boy called reuben i used to know when i was 16...smallllll world.
Also small world, when we went to see my uncle play last saturday, my friend told me she'd seen him play before in his band, Calgary 04. How strange.
My room is in a mess. I actually have no enthusiasm. Except for this job, met friends already though i might not get it.
Ok i need to go find a dress ad a date on the internet, then go to my room and watch garden state with subtitles because the audio doesnt work, while fretting about the amount of work i have to do
ciao
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Do it.
Woooo! I just got a call for a job interview! Im not sure how they got my home telephone number as i didnt put it on my C.V, but with my phone being stolen and all, i feel tres lucky.
Again about my birthday, it was a really good day, i wish i could upload the silent video Ariege took of us at the park, but i forgot my camera cable at uni. The only present-present i actually got on the day was a Batman comic (which i read in like 20 minutes and totally freaked me out by the way, but still love it-thanks!) but i didnt mind. Honestly, it was the best birthday i've had, being older than 8-9 or whatever. "Really enjoyed it (i wrote this on my knee earlier, bored while watching Laguna Beach) wouldnt have changed a thing."
Turns out i didn't see anyone i didn't want to see. Even Laura's back.
I like having a few good friends, like really good friends, rather than a large group of crap which i've managed to get rid of. Even at Uni. Ah all tis good.
I really hope i get my replacement phone soon, ahhh all my recent pictures, lost. Lost.
WATCH LAGUNA BEACH AND THE HILLS. I wish i was them ahhh.
Listen to 'I Wish I Was Him' by Kathleen Hanna.
Again about my birthday, it was a really good day, i wish i could upload the silent video Ariege took of us at the park, but i forgot my camera cable at uni. The only present-present i actually got on the day was a Batman comic (which i read in like 20 minutes and totally freaked me out by the way, but still love it-thanks!) but i didnt mind. Honestly, it was the best birthday i've had, being older than 8-9 or whatever. "Really enjoyed it (i wrote this on my knee earlier, bored while watching Laguna Beach) wouldnt have changed a thing."
Turns out i didn't see anyone i didn't want to see. Even Laura's back.
I like having a few good friends, like really good friends, rather than a large group of crap which i've managed to get rid of. Even at Uni. Ah all tis good.
I really hope i get my replacement phone soon, ahhh all my recent pictures, lost. Lost.
WATCH LAGUNA BEACH AND THE HILLS. I wish i was them ahhh.
Listen to 'I Wish I Was Him' by Kathleen Hanna.
Monday, November 27, 2006
All my friends are dead. good song
Ariege was wicked, we went to the park and stuff, i slipped down a hill, right on my butt. It was dangerous. We went on a roundabout then i took a picture of a funny dog. Jackass 2 is HILARIOUS. They played a peaches song, i loved them for it. Its also her best one (which i deleted off my home computer cos of the name-grrr censors)
When you watch it look out for the devil-amazing. I want to watch that and Tenacious D again. Id pay to watch them both...in the same day.
This is my first birthday since i was 13 that i havent had an 'other.' Maybe thats what made this day better than the others in my head. But i wont lie, i want one. And i've decided not that one. Good memories do not a happy relationship make-innit got that from my classics teacher. He's dating someone from my year. Im not desperate though. Some dude from Brighton asked me out. No thanks said i, in a 'you dont want me-i live far away in the citttyyy and'...i cant remember what else i texted him.
My school friends SUCK. Saturday, mona and chloe come home to see me. Mona comes too late to meet us in london. Chloes boyfriend takes chloe saying "im coming home this weekend for Jordanas birthday" as, 'book a hotel, go on book a hotel and take me out i have no other plans'
Laura doesnt reply.
Sunday laura chloe mona -"lets meet up and go out" Jordana-no please no.
Jordana "just come round mine for a movie" chloe-i want a posh meal. mona-yeah. Laura no reply...Jordana-lets cancel.
Monday mona-happy birthday but if you dont use the ticket i bought for you to come to birmingham ill be upset.
Chloe-its your birthday so meet up with me for lunch, though you may have made other plans.
Laura-nothing, but i see her happily strolling round bromley shopping in la senza and talking on her phone. She's upset? She cant leave the house? O right so thats why shes stocking up on underwear and laughing really loud.
even Leah contacted me (those who havent heard me talk about her, leahs like...uh she's such a weirdo we used to be best friends and in the same group of best friends now, but we've totally changed, shes someone id normally hate..."o my gawwwssh your underwear totally doesnt match the nail polish on your toes, disgusting."
lalalalaThanks for the texts!
Im so bored now. My dvd player doesnt work and i want to watch garden state. I feel like throwing something. I want to do something other than go for a meal. BLAH.
When you watch it look out for the devil-amazing. I want to watch that and Tenacious D again. Id pay to watch them both...in the same day.
This is my first birthday since i was 13 that i havent had an 'other.' Maybe thats what made this day better than the others in my head. But i wont lie, i want one. And i've decided not that one. Good memories do not a happy relationship make-innit got that from my classics teacher. He's dating someone from my year. Im not desperate though. Some dude from Brighton asked me out. No thanks said i, in a 'you dont want me-i live far away in the citttyyy and'...i cant remember what else i texted him.
My school friends SUCK. Saturday, mona and chloe come home to see me. Mona comes too late to meet us in london. Chloes boyfriend takes chloe saying "im coming home this weekend for Jordanas birthday" as, 'book a hotel, go on book a hotel and take me out i have no other plans'
Laura doesnt reply.
Sunday laura chloe mona -"lets meet up and go out" Jordana-no please no.
Jordana "just come round mine for a movie" chloe-i want a posh meal. mona-yeah. Laura no reply...Jordana-lets cancel.
Monday mona-happy birthday but if you dont use the ticket i bought for you to come to birmingham ill be upset.
Chloe-its your birthday so meet up with me for lunch, though you may have made other plans.
Laura-nothing, but i see her happily strolling round bromley shopping in la senza and talking on her phone. She's upset? She cant leave the house? O right so thats why shes stocking up on underwear and laughing really loud.
even Leah contacted me (those who havent heard me talk about her, leahs like...uh she's such a weirdo we used to be best friends and in the same group of best friends now, but we've totally changed, shes someone id normally hate..."o my gawwwssh your underwear totally doesnt match the nail polish on your toes, disgusting."
lalalalaThanks for the texts!
Im so bored now. My dvd player doesnt work and i want to watch garden state. I feel like throwing something. I want to do something other than go for a meal. BLAH.
today
is my birthday. Its raining, crap. Meant to be meeting ariege in like 10 minutes but im still in sofa/bed. Im too comfortable. It doesnt seem like my birthday. Strangest year/feeling. Usually i get the sick apprehension empty hollow feeling, but today just feels like a normal day except my mum sang a bit of happy birthday and my dad made me a massive breakfast. (which he does sometimes anyway)
ariege is bringing speakers, was meant to be clear today so we could sit in the park, then watch jackass 2. whats up with bromley being empire now and only showing 4 movies? and one of them is the santa clause 3 so it just obviously doesnt count.
Ive got a girls aloud song on the brain. If i knew it was girls aloud when i forst heard it in exeter i wouldnt like it. I was quite dissapointed. Its the one where they say toot and beep a lot, so i got matt to do driving motions and car honking motions whenever it plays.
lalalalalala. Im happy for my presents (garden state and a batman watch) I think this will be a good day as i have no expectations, and it doesnt seem like my birthday and i hate birthdays.
yuck im 20, thats so rank.
I spoke to my granny yesterday. Well we communicated, i dont think she heard anything i said. At one point the phone hung up and she called back, but i missed a good minute of her talking so by the time i said hello again she was saying:
"ok and tell blah and blah hello and make sure...etc." Funny
better get ready. I hope i dont see my newstead friends stalking round bromley today.
i wanna watch family guy mmmhhhmmm< whimpering whiney sound.
xxxxxxxxxxx
ariege is bringing speakers, was meant to be clear today so we could sit in the park, then watch jackass 2. whats up with bromley being empire now and only showing 4 movies? and one of them is the santa clause 3 so it just obviously doesnt count.
Ive got a girls aloud song on the brain. If i knew it was girls aloud when i forst heard it in exeter i wouldnt like it. I was quite dissapointed. Its the one where they say toot and beep a lot, so i got matt to do driving motions and car honking motions whenever it plays.
lalalalalala. Im happy for my presents (garden state and a batman watch) I think this will be a good day as i have no expectations, and it doesnt seem like my birthday and i hate birthdays.
yuck im 20, thats so rank.
I spoke to my granny yesterday. Well we communicated, i dont think she heard anything i said. At one point the phone hung up and she called back, but i missed a good minute of her talking so by the time i said hello again she was saying:
"ok and tell blah and blah hello and make sure...etc." Funny
better get ready. I hope i dont see my newstead friends stalking round bromley today.
i wanna watch family guy mmmhhhmmm< whimpering whiney sound.
xxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, November 25, 2006
...
i know its like the movie EVERYONE loves and blah cult blah
someone pushed garden state through my letter box just now. I opened it, saw what it was and felt sick. Theres a note inside, but not going to read it. I wish i could play dvds on my laptop but i deleted something important so the sound doesnt play.
It was a REALLY really nice thing for them to do, seeing as they had to travel to mine instead of posting it. And they didnt have to buy me a present, im funny about people buying me stuff. I even get weird when my mum gives me money. Like the last time, i think i cried when she gave me £50, i couldnt touch it, i told her to put it down and i'd pick it up later if she had to give it to me.
Not sure if im looking forward to tonight. Looking forward to getting there and watching my uncle play again, just not the hellos i guess.
7 at charing cross
someone pushed garden state through my letter box just now. I opened it, saw what it was and felt sick. Theres a note inside, but not going to read it. I wish i could play dvds on my laptop but i deleted something important so the sound doesnt play.
It was a REALLY really nice thing for them to do, seeing as they had to travel to mine instead of posting it. And they didnt have to buy me a present, im funny about people buying me stuff. I even get weird when my mum gives me money. Like the last time, i think i cried when she gave me £50, i couldnt touch it, i told her to put it down and i'd pick it up later if she had to give it to me.
Not sure if im looking forward to tonight. Looking forward to getting there and watching my uncle play again, just not the hellos i guess.
7 at charing cross
Thursday, November 23, 2006
ooo so much
so much to write about but not going to, because once i start i cant stop and o i wish i did have some pringles. Im at home now. My phone got stolen at Jacks Birthday Celebrations at le Roxy, i called up loads but they siad wasnt handed in so gotta go to police station so i can etc it. Exeter (mostly saturday night) was le wick. Yesterday (wednesday) was also weeeellllll good. I met Jack, Faye, Matt and Lavanya (who i hadnt seen in years and our first time of talking properly) and we went to a wicked place in covent garden and had a good time. then we met up with Alex Bently, and then we got on one of those things you get in India, where they pull you along on their bikes. I LOVED it, everyone on the street could probably hear me. Matt Faye and Alex's guy was struggling a bit though, first day and all. Matt said it was embarassing after, "because it was slow." I think its cos i was screaming so much.
just before the roxy we met up with Becka and had a good time in there. 2 people joined us called Laura and Jade , i just said my name and they both said "you went out with Nathan." Ohh that freaks me out a bit. But id met them both before, especially Laura soo many times and we share a very close friend too. Weird group-but good how we were all connected somehow. Even Becka and I, hough we still havent figured out how...
Lavanya was trying to get me too dance, i was messing around dancing. It was fun. Jack and Jade were dancing with a parsnip. Crazy.
A wicked song or three came on, but i was too busy. I then got annoyed and bored and then relieved when someone tapped me on the shoulder to leave. I am still upset my phone and hat are gone forever.
We went back to Matts. With Jacks dude from work. o MY daaayyyyyze. R. Kelly, trapped in the closet, look it up on youtube, i couldnt believe it-wait im gonna watch the last 2 episodes now
Legend. Reminded me of my sister when i was watching it, actually felt a bit of pain, she'd love it. Havent seen her in over a year now, have i said that before? She did call up for a few hours today, asked me loads of stuff but i hate overseas phonecalls so it doesnt help. I really miss her, BRING ON FEBRUARY, whooo 2 weeks in trinidad, cannot WAIT. oooo man bring on the ffooooooddddd.
aaaaannnyway.
im off to lie down and not sleep and then drift into a sleep like state, and then wake up and walk around. And then watch a movie. NYYYYYTTTZZZ.
(why do i feel happy? i actually should be feeling sniffy, im not complaining)
(personal enufff?)
just before the roxy we met up with Becka and had a good time in there. 2 people joined us called Laura and Jade , i just said my name and they both said "you went out with Nathan." Ohh that freaks me out a bit. But id met them both before, especially Laura soo many times and we share a very close friend too. Weird group-but good how we were all connected somehow. Even Becka and I, hough we still havent figured out how...
Lavanya was trying to get me too dance, i was messing around dancing. It was fun. Jack and Jade were dancing with a parsnip. Crazy.
A wicked song or three came on, but i was too busy. I then got annoyed and bored and then relieved when someone tapped me on the shoulder to leave. I am still upset my phone and hat are gone forever.
We went back to Matts. With Jacks dude from work. o MY daaayyyyyze. R. Kelly, trapped in the closet, look it up on youtube, i couldnt believe it-wait im gonna watch the last 2 episodes now
Legend. Reminded me of my sister when i was watching it, actually felt a bit of pain, she'd love it. Havent seen her in over a year now, have i said that before? She did call up for a few hours today, asked me loads of stuff but i hate overseas phonecalls so it doesnt help. I really miss her, BRING ON FEBRUARY, whooo 2 weeks in trinidad, cannot WAIT. oooo man bring on the ffooooooddddd.
aaaaannnyway.
im off to lie down and not sleep and then drift into a sleep like state, and then wake up and walk around. And then watch a movie. NYYYYYTTTZZZ.
(why do i feel happy? i actually should be feeling sniffy, im not complaining)
(personal enufff?)
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
yada yeada
ha yeada, ok so have no real time (I DO, IM LAZY) we went to exeter, see jacks Blog and video, been to uni, been in my room, slept in MY bed last night, WAS WICKED! I GOT 4 HOURS SLEEP MAX! felt so good this morning for NO REASON. (Thats my bi polar acting up...maybe)
wrote a blog for whatsit, online thats it
dontagreemate.blogspot.com or just check out the link, with an OBVIOUS reference to the funniest family guy ever on your right.
Ah the thing is right now i should feel so sad, so let down, sooo forlorn and lonesome. But i dont. Im not going to bournemouth this end of week, should maybe tell my friends. Whoevers reading this, if youre down in the area saturday come meet up with us for a night of friendship, frivolity and hilarity.
I sound like ellerie.
Banter
*edit* Because its my birthday on monday, who cares how old i am, im actually doing something for it for once, so bring money for a travel card and about a tenner MAXIMUM. sheisha. I hope i actually go through with this plan because i want to and also i got into an argument with someone over this SO BETTER BE WORTH IT DUDES.
another edit, geeeeez
one thing just made me feel all warm inside, my cousin damian from Canada, weve had each other on msn for YEARS, but we had never spoken at all (im talking about last year though) Hes got a brother called mathew whos apparently my twin soul, got my into alot of music and i got him into some. Mat and i used to chat, he added a girl into one of our convos and we became good friends. Then apparently i had a hi5 account. (DIDNT REALISE) annnnnyway, one day my cousin damian relaised he added me to hi5 and was looking at my profile cos it basically was filled with weird pictures and me saying "STAY AWAY, I AM A FREAK." Then he looks at my friends and sees that girl (her name is marina) They start chatting not realising her best friend is his brother etc, and they start dating. Nine months ago he first started talking to me, "thanks for inadvertedly setting me up with marina" and now theyve been dating for 9 months. Aw thanks hi5, bringing couples and cousins together. (Even though i was going to talk to him now but still too shy) not going to start using it anytime soon though
ok the end, librarys closing and going to watch XMEN3 with IAN KWAN HAHAHAHHA
wrote a blog for whatsit, online thats it
dontagreemate.blogspot.com or just check out the link, with an OBVIOUS reference to the funniest family guy ever on your right.
Ah the thing is right now i should feel so sad, so let down, sooo forlorn and lonesome. But i dont. Im not going to bournemouth this end of week, should maybe tell my friends. Whoevers reading this, if youre down in the area saturday come meet up with us for a night of friendship, frivolity and hilarity.
I sound like ellerie.
Banter
*edit* Because its my birthday on monday, who cares how old i am, im actually doing something for it for once, so bring money for a travel card and about a tenner MAXIMUM. sheisha. I hope i actually go through with this plan because i want to and also i got into an argument with someone over this SO BETTER BE WORTH IT DUDES.
another edit, geeeeez
one thing just made me feel all warm inside, my cousin damian from Canada, weve had each other on msn for YEARS, but we had never spoken at all (im talking about last year though) Hes got a brother called mathew whos apparently my twin soul, got my into alot of music and i got him into some. Mat and i used to chat, he added a girl into one of our convos and we became good friends. Then apparently i had a hi5 account. (DIDNT REALISE) annnnnyway, one day my cousin damian relaised he added me to hi5 and was looking at my profile cos it basically was filled with weird pictures and me saying "STAY AWAY, I AM A FREAK." Then he looks at my friends and sees that girl (her name is marina) They start chatting not realising her best friend is his brother etc, and they start dating. Nine months ago he first started talking to me, "thanks for inadvertedly setting me up with marina" and now theyve been dating for 9 months. Aw thanks hi5, bringing couples and cousins together. (Even though i was going to talk to him now but still too shy) not going to start using it anytime soon though
ok the end, librarys closing and going to watch XMEN3 with IAN KWAN HAHAHAHHA
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
o yeah
AND we bought and listened to +44's new album, better than Angels and Airwaves, not THAT good, but ahhh beautiful.
(It gets better after No, its not. They even re-made no, its not, better drums and bass, and still got Carol Hellers voice, make you smile is the best song)
cant BELIEVE i didnt go see them.
you are all so freaking gay. Im saying that in the most hurtful way possible.
(It gets better after No, its not. They even re-made no, its not, better drums and bass, and still got Carol Hellers voice, make you smile is the best song)
cant BELIEVE i didnt go see them.
you are all so freaking gay. Im saying that in the most hurtful way possible.
Dont you feed me lies, about some idealistic future...
I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking. This week has been weird, cant say much because of one person who reads this, but I think I definitely made the right choice…in a way. I was getting really upset, especially about going back to uni on Monday night.
On Sunday night, i wrote out 3 pages of how i was feeling. Jumbled up crap i can tell ya.Most of it's really unlegible, more than when i can even see the paper. I kept getting messages from people, delete delete delete, went my fingers.
For the whole of Monday I felt really sick, not physically sick, but…yeah-ariege you know. Someone called me up, and actually said “are you ok?” and when I said fine, they said, "no really." To cut a looong story short I ended up crying my eyes out, and then trekking to theirs. The trek was almost a bad idea, I was so weak from the way I was feeling I almost couldn’t make the rest of the way and had to run for the last bus, but there was traffic so it was copasetic.
We haven’t done much, been helping each other out with uni work and walking around the high street, but its what I needed so bad. Well last night was tres horrible, pathetically I did cry because my body was in pain from we-don’t-know-what. But its gone now.
I love when people surprise you by being understanding/actually caring if you are ok or not. Yeah I still am not ok, but if I was by myself id be a lot worse.
At the moment I am by myself, because they’ve gone out to see their significant other, but I don’t mind, the time alone again will do me good.
Im not looking forward to anything anymore though, it’s a shame. Because I had some stuff to look forward to, but after thinking and realising I want “something I can never have” just kinda given up. I would be all “o but yes I have uni and lalalalal” but uni gets boring when you’re competent. I should write up the court story, I should write up my interview, I should be learning the middle eastern countries, I should be listening to the radio, I should be writing my argument for why I strongly think Saddam Hussein shouldn’t die… but I think I may just listen to the Postal Service some more. Nothing Better is the only song ive heard and the only song I ever want to hear. Why hasn’t anyone told me about them before? Even James loves it. We were singing along to it Sunday night-before he left and I started my phase of…whatever.
Lalalala hmmm I think maybe I should go see la docteur soon. I really miss Ariege. In fact im missing EVERY single one of my friends at the moment, but in a way, not enough. If I’m the only one willing to put the EFFORT in, why should I waste my time (and energy and thoughts) anymore?
Wow this can be seen as really bitchy, lucky for me everyone’s too dumb to have a clue what im talking about.
Why has only one person seen ME at uni? Im not visiting everyone.
People are replaceable. I know 2 that aren’t. (Not including my family, don’t be silly.)
I want to be in Orpington on Sunday for my dad, but already made these gar plans. I guess me and Charlotte will have to content ourselves with calling up and straining to listen to the events.
Night.
On Sunday night, i wrote out 3 pages of how i was feeling. Jumbled up crap i can tell ya.Most of it's really unlegible, more than when i can even see the paper. I kept getting messages from people, delete delete delete, went my fingers.
For the whole of Monday I felt really sick, not physically sick, but…yeah-ariege you know. Someone called me up, and actually said “are you ok?” and when I said fine, they said, "no really." To cut a looong story short I ended up crying my eyes out, and then trekking to theirs. The trek was almost a bad idea, I was so weak from the way I was feeling I almost couldn’t make the rest of the way and had to run for the last bus, but there was traffic so it was copasetic.
We haven’t done much, been helping each other out with uni work and walking around the high street, but its what I needed so bad. Well last night was tres horrible, pathetically I did cry because my body was in pain from we-don’t-know-what. But its gone now.
I love when people surprise you by being understanding/actually caring if you are ok or not. Yeah I still am not ok, but if I was by myself id be a lot worse.
At the moment I am by myself, because they’ve gone out to see their significant other, but I don’t mind, the time alone again will do me good.
Im not looking forward to anything anymore though, it’s a shame. Because I had some stuff to look forward to, but after thinking and realising I want “something I can never have” just kinda given up. I would be all “o but yes I have uni and lalalalal” but uni gets boring when you’re competent. I should write up the court story, I should write up my interview, I should be learning the middle eastern countries, I should be listening to the radio, I should be writing my argument for why I strongly think Saddam Hussein shouldn’t die… but I think I may just listen to the Postal Service some more. Nothing Better is the only song ive heard and the only song I ever want to hear. Why hasn’t anyone told me about them before? Even James loves it. We were singing along to it Sunday night-before he left and I started my phase of…whatever.
Lalalala hmmm I think maybe I should go see la docteur soon. I really miss Ariege. In fact im missing EVERY single one of my friends at the moment, but in a way, not enough. If I’m the only one willing to put the EFFORT in, why should I waste my time (and energy and thoughts) anymore?
Wow this can be seen as really bitchy, lucky for me everyone’s too dumb to have a clue what im talking about.
Why has only one person seen ME at uni? Im not visiting everyone.
People are replaceable. I know 2 that aren’t. (Not including my family, don’t be silly.)
I want to be in Orpington on Sunday for my dad, but already made these gar plans. I guess me and Charlotte will have to content ourselves with calling up and straining to listen to the events.
Night.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Had to do it
http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com
Last monday i had a "friend" stay with me. Was a bad experience, wrong choice, i hated it, dont want to even talk about it. On tuesday morn, they left and i tried to forget about it. I went into class and i stumbled on this website. I cried my eyes out when i got back to my room. Luckily, Ariege called me that night.
The content's changed since last time. It changes every sunday, its called "Heroin content."
"The reason we call it Heroin content is because the website may be bad, but the content is so good you'll be crawling back begging for another hit next week."
I designed my own one on tuesday night, but i couldnt finish it. I AM going to send some in (because i have a lot) but not because i want them to be on the website, just because it feels better to contribute something after reading all thse other people's revelations. I wasnt going to talk about it too, because i wanted this website for myself (if ya get me, yo) but i love it too much to keep it a secret, G.
Im asking my mum to buy me the books for my birthday, though this may make me depressed from now until next year. Worth it though.
Last monday i had a "friend" stay with me. Was a bad experience, wrong choice, i hated it, dont want to even talk about it. On tuesday morn, they left and i tried to forget about it. I went into class and i stumbled on this website. I cried my eyes out when i got back to my room. Luckily, Ariege called me that night.
The content's changed since last time. It changes every sunday, its called "Heroin content."
"The reason we call it Heroin content is because the website may be bad, but the content is so good you'll be crawling back begging for another hit next week."
I designed my own one on tuesday night, but i couldnt finish it. I AM going to send some in (because i have a lot) but not because i want them to be on the website, just because it feels better to contribute something after reading all thse other people's revelations. I wasnt going to talk about it too, because i wanted this website for myself (if ya get me, yo) but i love it too much to keep it a secret, G.
Im asking my mum to buy me the books for my birthday, though this may make me depressed from now until next year. Worth it though.
"So you snorted the flour, then what did you do?"
We went to court on Thursday, about 15 of us shivering in the cold while our frizzy haired teacher briefed us. We talked to men from the bbc waiting for that muslim dude who stirred up racial hatred in London over the murder crimes, but he was in custody all day.
Blah blah blah, we managed to get into a court room and heard that flour bit, this girl called Sophie and i just stared at each other. Then this dude started telling his story, and our teacher pulled us out to tell us she had to go. We found out later that these 2 guys killed a boy for selling them flour instead of Cocaine.
I hung around with a group of girls i usually stayed away from, for 4 hours while we waited for courts to open up. What was really weird, was that they invited me. We were just waiting to go in the first court room and they asked my opinion on everything. Then they included me in their little discussions...it scared me so i kept walking off for bits, but then they'd follow me. It was nice though, 2 of them went off for a while and this girl i previously despised told me they were bitching about her. I dont despise her anymore because now she seems more human. We waited in a pub eating for HOURS. I got so frustrated i kept going for walks, then walked down fleet street. Then played with all the crap we had on the table. I got so bored i read the Sun. We had to leave our bags in a cafe hours earlier, not allowed them in the old bailey, so didnt even have my phone.
Later we went into a case where a man with schizophrenia was accused of rape. I was going to walk out, but it would have been stupid of me. It was pretty harsh, i didnt believe the woman though, i dont think the jury did either. They were both as messed up as each other.
I ran home, ran to waterloo, ran to staines. Mormons are funny. I met Cate. I spent the whole of institute looking at this girl thinking "why does she speak so articulately, but then texts like a retard?" I was relieved Cate was a bit more normal than the girl i thought she was. I met a girl who went to my uni, Joel (hmm) and others.
Everyone "O you're Jordana! We've heard so much about you! Thats Joel by the way" *pushes me over* (O yeah subtle, thanks.)
Basically, when uni started i spent the week with this woman called Rowena. We were eating dinner one day and she asked about my relationship life, told her i was recently-ish single and she turns to her daughter and says "Ooh, do you know who is perfect for her? Joel."
Adam from South-end later tells me at Arieges party that Rowena has been telling everyone that Joel and i should date. He sends me a picture of Joel with chocolate round his face. Nice.
So by the time i introduce myself to everyone on thursday night, theyre pushing me towards Joel. We dont talk. We get into Cates car and go to where ever for some mormon fun.
"I'm Joel"
"I know"
"OOOh Adam sent you a picture of Joel didnt he Jordana?"
"Uh oh yeah, it was nice."
Finally we arrived at this girls house, met more people, who made fun of my name...in a sad way "O so are you named after the river Jordan, you know, where Jesus got baptised?"
"I really dont know, where's the bathroom?"
They played this rope game, where you have to qs(cant be bothered to 'splain.) Joel and i sat out.
Then we played this game called pulse. You split into two groups, and then each group gets into a line and holds hands. At one end someone flips a coin and if its heads, then the team leaders at the top of the line, squeezes the hand of the person next to them. Everyone else has their eyes closed and you then squeeze the next persons hand. The pulse is passed along til it reaches the two people at the end. Once they feel a pulse they have to grab an object (keys) before the other team. (If this makes sense.)
I really dreaded my turn at the end. I lost once, and then Joel was against me. I then beat him (by grabbing the keys first). Then i was one of the leaders at the top and was against him again, and we beat him.
We had a stand off in the kitchen. He offered me food so we went. We talked about people we knew, then awkward silences, then a kind of conversation went past in which we basically said "please dont let this be awkward because of other people, we arent going to date, we dont even know each other, ok, sorted, good."
Then we played a cup stacking game, i didnt play on the principle that id seen an advert for it and i thought it was so bad i wouldnt even touch it. It looked fun in the end. We even watched the instructional video where a really happy girl proclaimed to be the "world record cup stacker." Now that's ambition.
THEN we played a "drinking " game. Obv the persons house it was wasnt a real mormon, but we played it with all those crappy tescos drinks. She was also a geek, (lord of the rings swords everywhere and knew the elven language whatsit)
So we watched Return of the Jedi. It was a pointless game. "ooo look anakin is using his light saber, drink up." About half an hour into it they decided the team that had to go to the toilet first would be the losers...smart.
The girls geeky brother got on my nerves. Joel and i were talking in the kitchen and he came in. Joel politely said "*persons name* my friend, hows it going?"
then this WEIRDO said (looking at me the whole time which freaked me out)
"WON, yew are not my friend, teeeww ive only seen yew 3 days a week at most..."
(i walked out by three, i was freaked out/disgusted beyond belief, when people ask how you are, you just lie and say fine dude.)
He also played the cup stacking game earlier, acting like he knew what he was doing, and when someone tried to help he made them feel really stupid. I rolled my eyes, then remembered where i was, and just looked down...THEN rolled my eyes. At one point in the drinking game, he walked past the table full of the bottles. A girl was trying to pour herself a drink and he waddled past kicking the bottle out her hand and all over the floor. He blamed it on her which made her upset.
Cate got a phonecall and left the room, she then came back and said "Jordana," (i thought she was going to say, your dads on the phone wants to know when youre coming home)
but instead she said "Adam called to say hello to you and he'll see you soon." I whimpered
"oh, adam," as it was the only familiarity i could cling onto, and the room exploded with everyone saying "what about the rest of us!" Then we all screamed adams name down her mobile.
Later on as we were watching the movie, the brother spilt more drink, Cream soda exploded EVERYWHERE soaking some guy on the floor. I laughed a lot, no one else did. Made me happy. I stopped laughing when that weirdo said to his sister "CLAIRE, REMEMBER WHAT MUMMY SAID ABOUT MESS" in one of those, im showing off because this is my house and im really cool in my mind sort of way.
Finally we left.
Cate, Fiona, Jaime, Joel and I got lost from where ever we were, back to Surrey. It was a fun journey. They played weird songs and sang. I live near jaime. In the car i got a few calls from an undesirable (guess who), felt a bit depressed, but didnt answer and turned off my phone.
By the time i got home it was close to 1 am. Cate invited me out this monday night. I like my new group. Im glad Cates not a retard, im glad jaime's not up herself. Im glad Joel's got his head screwed on right, and im glad Fiona isnt as intimidating as she sounds when shes talking bout church stuff in institute.
i write waaaay too much dude.
havent even finished. Ariege and i talked a lot today. I write this stuff because i dont tell people about my day, and because i dont expect people to read this it just comes out. "Everything that goes in must come out." its nice. Its annoying though. But i still hide alot of it.
lalalalala laaaah.
Blah blah blah, we managed to get into a court room and heard that flour bit, this girl called Sophie and i just stared at each other. Then this dude started telling his story, and our teacher pulled us out to tell us she had to go. We found out later that these 2 guys killed a boy for selling them flour instead of Cocaine.
I hung around with a group of girls i usually stayed away from, for 4 hours while we waited for courts to open up. What was really weird, was that they invited me. We were just waiting to go in the first court room and they asked my opinion on everything. Then they included me in their little discussions...it scared me so i kept walking off for bits, but then they'd follow me. It was nice though, 2 of them went off for a while and this girl i previously despised told me they were bitching about her. I dont despise her anymore because now she seems more human. We waited in a pub eating for HOURS. I got so frustrated i kept going for walks, then walked down fleet street. Then played with all the crap we had on the table. I got so bored i read the Sun. We had to leave our bags in a cafe hours earlier, not allowed them in the old bailey, so didnt even have my phone.
Later we went into a case where a man with schizophrenia was accused of rape. I was going to walk out, but it would have been stupid of me. It was pretty harsh, i didnt believe the woman though, i dont think the jury did either. They were both as messed up as each other.
I ran home, ran to waterloo, ran to staines. Mormons are funny. I met Cate. I spent the whole of institute looking at this girl thinking "why does she speak so articulately, but then texts like a retard?" I was relieved Cate was a bit more normal than the girl i thought she was. I met a girl who went to my uni, Joel (hmm) and others.
Everyone "O you're Jordana! We've heard so much about you! Thats Joel by the way" *pushes me over* (O yeah subtle, thanks.)
Basically, when uni started i spent the week with this woman called Rowena. We were eating dinner one day and she asked about my relationship life, told her i was recently-ish single and she turns to her daughter and says "Ooh, do you know who is perfect for her? Joel."
Adam from South-end later tells me at Arieges party that Rowena has been telling everyone that Joel and i should date. He sends me a picture of Joel with chocolate round his face. Nice.
So by the time i introduce myself to everyone on thursday night, theyre pushing me towards Joel. We dont talk. We get into Cates car and go to where ever for some mormon fun.
"I'm Joel"
"I know"
"OOOh Adam sent you a picture of Joel didnt he Jordana?"
"Uh oh yeah, it was nice."
Finally we arrived at this girls house, met more people, who made fun of my name...in a sad way "O so are you named after the river Jordan, you know, where Jesus got baptised?"
"I really dont know, where's the bathroom?"
They played this rope game, where you have to qs(cant be bothered to 'splain.) Joel and i sat out.
Then we played this game called pulse. You split into two groups, and then each group gets into a line and holds hands. At one end someone flips a coin and if its heads, then the team leaders at the top of the line, squeezes the hand of the person next to them. Everyone else has their eyes closed and you then squeeze the next persons hand. The pulse is passed along til it reaches the two people at the end. Once they feel a pulse they have to grab an object (keys) before the other team. (If this makes sense.)
I really dreaded my turn at the end. I lost once, and then Joel was against me. I then beat him (by grabbing the keys first). Then i was one of the leaders at the top and was against him again, and we beat him.
We had a stand off in the kitchen. He offered me food so we went. We talked about people we knew, then awkward silences, then a kind of conversation went past in which we basically said "please dont let this be awkward because of other people, we arent going to date, we dont even know each other, ok, sorted, good."
Then we played a cup stacking game, i didnt play on the principle that id seen an advert for it and i thought it was so bad i wouldnt even touch it. It looked fun in the end. We even watched the instructional video where a really happy girl proclaimed to be the "world record cup stacker." Now that's ambition.
THEN we played a "drinking " game. Obv the persons house it was wasnt a real mormon, but we played it with all those crappy tescos drinks. She was also a geek, (lord of the rings swords everywhere and knew the elven language whatsit)
So we watched Return of the Jedi. It was a pointless game. "ooo look anakin is using his light saber, drink up." About half an hour into it they decided the team that had to go to the toilet first would be the losers...smart.
The girls geeky brother got on my nerves. Joel and i were talking in the kitchen and he came in. Joel politely said "*persons name* my friend, hows it going?"
then this WEIRDO said (looking at me the whole time which freaked me out)
"WON, yew are not my friend, teeeww ive only seen yew 3 days a week at most..."
(i walked out by three, i was freaked out/disgusted beyond belief, when people ask how you are, you just lie and say fine dude.)
He also played the cup stacking game earlier, acting like he knew what he was doing, and when someone tried to help he made them feel really stupid. I rolled my eyes, then remembered where i was, and just looked down...THEN rolled my eyes. At one point in the drinking game, he walked past the table full of the bottles. A girl was trying to pour herself a drink and he waddled past kicking the bottle out her hand and all over the floor. He blamed it on her which made her upset.
Cate got a phonecall and left the room, she then came back and said "Jordana," (i thought she was going to say, your dads on the phone wants to know when youre coming home)
but instead she said "Adam called to say hello to you and he'll see you soon." I whimpered
"oh, adam," as it was the only familiarity i could cling onto, and the room exploded with everyone saying "what about the rest of us!" Then we all screamed adams name down her mobile.
Later on as we were watching the movie, the brother spilt more drink, Cream soda exploded EVERYWHERE soaking some guy on the floor. I laughed a lot, no one else did. Made me happy. I stopped laughing when that weirdo said to his sister "CLAIRE, REMEMBER WHAT MUMMY SAID ABOUT MESS" in one of those, im showing off because this is my house and im really cool in my mind sort of way.
Finally we left.
Cate, Fiona, Jaime, Joel and I got lost from where ever we were, back to Surrey. It was a fun journey. They played weird songs and sang. I live near jaime. In the car i got a few calls from an undesirable (guess who), felt a bit depressed, but didnt answer and turned off my phone.
By the time i got home it was close to 1 am. Cate invited me out this monday night. I like my new group. Im glad Cates not a retard, im glad jaime's not up herself. Im glad Joel's got his head screwed on right, and im glad Fiona isnt as intimidating as she sounds when shes talking bout church stuff in institute.
i write waaaay too much dude.
havent even finished. Ariege and i talked a lot today. I write this stuff because i dont tell people about my day, and because i dont expect people to read this it just comes out. "Everything that goes in must come out." its nice. Its annoying though. But i still hide alot of it.
lalalalala laaaah.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
last...thursday?
http://ariegedoesntusemsn.spaces.live.com/
So last thursday i got on a train to London Bridge. Was minding my own business listening to my music on it's little quaint shuffle mode. The guy i sat opposite kept talking super loudly on his phone, but i was polite and didnt look, i just sat on my chair very awkwardly so i didnt have to face him. At one point he was also listening to music and just kind of stared of me, but i think it was more to due with the fact it was a very cold day, but i was dressed "summer-ry."
*"Summer-ry" for Jordana means still dark colours but not very warm*
As the train came up to London Bridge, i looked down the train compartment before i stood up. While i was in the middle of standing up, i saw someone very familiar and as a result knocked my head against something (im not sure what it was, but it was yellow)
The first thing i said to them was "That's kinda weird." We smiled and gauche le train et marché par la gare. Some topics of conversation:
"Have you met him?"
"Ariege should go on the pill, I might make her when she comes back home."
"So how about you and...and...?"
"Ah yes Aaliyah's done a bit of shorthand too...how's the course/area/people etc."
"Aymon will most likely stay at Churchill"
"Hows le familia?" (except she didnt ask this in a muddle of spanish and french.)
At one point i realised i had walked too far and politely told her i better leave to find my tube stop.
"Tell Ariege i said hi," Said I.
"Tell Ariege you saw me!" Said Ariege's delightfully young looking mother, Diane.
Not the end though.
Found out what line i had to get on, and squeezed my self on. Through the gaps in people i saw her again, but it would have been a bit too much to squeeze through, say hello-o look i could have followed you here and we could have continued talking- then squeezed back through to get off a stop later.
Twas nice though.
Last night, Ariege called me, so i called her back (with a bit of hassle cos our phones arent compatible(cry))
Apparently to 3, 3 hours is a bit too long to talk to someone on the phone.
I screamed with fear when Ariege, telling me a story, suddenly changed her voice and said "Im sorreeeey, but you have used up all your voice minutes. Please call us on 313 and have a debit or credit card available to rrrrrreceive more minutes." damn 3.
the thing is, ive checked now and i still have over 400 minutes left.
From the horribly sad mood i was in yesterday, 2 and a half things cheered me up. The half was having a conversation with someone and knowing their next call wouldnt be for a few days. One was watching, "dont be a menace to society while drinking your juice in the hood." And the last was being interrupted while watching the movie, by Ariege saying "call me back."
Also Ariege, not to suck your butt, but im glad i talked to you about everything, like last year, as everyone would have given unhelpful criticism. Also you made me laugh with
"THAT'S forward. Are you SURE he's not fit?" Yes, positively. And our in depth, "so you were standing up, or lying down?" "i was in the bath." "o ok thats alright." "no, i was standing up."
When am i coming up to Brighton for a sunday?
My mood was spoilt by my phone cutting off, then James not telling me that the last 5 minutes of the movie didnt download. Loser.
I woke up happy this morning though, mostly because i forgot why i was so (bleugh) yesterday.
Im off to find a job/make flapjacks/ go home/hopefully ambush Laura today.
This is the longest i haven't seen Charlotte for in 10 years, getting quite weird.
So last thursday i got on a train to London Bridge. Was minding my own business listening to my music on it's little quaint shuffle mode. The guy i sat opposite kept talking super loudly on his phone, but i was polite and didnt look, i just sat on my chair very awkwardly so i didnt have to face him. At one point he was also listening to music and just kind of stared of me, but i think it was more to due with the fact it was a very cold day, but i was dressed "summer-ry."
*"Summer-ry" for Jordana means still dark colours but not very warm*
As the train came up to London Bridge, i looked down the train compartment before i stood up. While i was in the middle of standing up, i saw someone very familiar and as a result knocked my head against something (im not sure what it was, but it was yellow)
The first thing i said to them was "That's kinda weird." We smiled and gauche le train et marché par la gare. Some topics of conversation:
"Have you met him?"
"Ariege should go on the pill, I might make her when she comes back home."
"So how about you and...and...?"
"Ah yes Aaliyah's done a bit of shorthand too...how's the course/area/people etc."
"Aymon will most likely stay at Churchill"
"Hows le familia?" (except she didnt ask this in a muddle of spanish and french.)
At one point i realised i had walked too far and politely told her i better leave to find my tube stop.
"Tell Ariege i said hi," Said I.
"Tell Ariege you saw me!" Said Ariege's delightfully young looking mother, Diane.
Not the end though.
Found out what line i had to get on, and squeezed my self on. Through the gaps in people i saw her again, but it would have been a bit too much to squeeze through, say hello-o look i could have followed you here and we could have continued talking- then squeezed back through to get off a stop later.
Twas nice though.
Last night, Ariege called me, so i called her back (with a bit of hassle cos our phones arent compatible(cry))
Apparently to 3, 3 hours is a bit too long to talk to someone on the phone.
I screamed with fear when Ariege, telling me a story, suddenly changed her voice and said "Im sorreeeey, but you have used up all your voice minutes. Please call us on 313 and have a debit or credit card available to rrrrrreceive more minutes." damn 3.
the thing is, ive checked now and i still have over 400 minutes left.
From the horribly sad mood i was in yesterday, 2 and a half things cheered me up. The half was having a conversation with someone and knowing their next call wouldnt be for a few days. One was watching, "dont be a menace to society while drinking your juice in the hood." And the last was being interrupted while watching the movie, by Ariege saying "call me back."
Also Ariege, not to suck your butt, but im glad i talked to you about everything, like last year, as everyone would have given unhelpful criticism. Also you made me laugh with
"THAT'S forward. Are you SURE he's not fit?" Yes, positively. And our in depth, "so you were standing up, or lying down?" "i was in the bath." "o ok thats alright." "no, i was standing up."
When am i coming up to Brighton for a sunday?
My mood was spoilt by my phone cutting off, then James not telling me that the last 5 minutes of the movie didnt download. Loser.
I woke up happy this morning though, mostly because i forgot why i was so (bleugh) yesterday.
Im off to find a job/make flapjacks/ go home/hopefully ambush Laura today.
This is the longest i haven't seen Charlotte for in 10 years, getting quite weird.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Boredom makes me want to kill myself.
i really don't want tonight to happen.
I think i will start crying in front of someone. Why are my feet so cold? I wish i could sleep, i fell asleep at 2 and then woke up at half 4. And just lay there, aghhh even thinking about that makes me want to cry.
(i cant type noises) I wish i went to Thailand/Africa/Canada. Spending a "gap" year in an office, and then the rest of the time worrying/being sick/ crying/ being angry, is not the way to prepare yourself for uni.
Uh empty, this is so unbelievably boring. I'm going to eat until I'm not bored. I really want to go to that thing on Saturday. (just read really bad things about it, cant believe everything you read but that's just ruined it for me now) Ariege, if you come home for saturday, come with me, or i'll be alone again. 2-6 at maidstone (i never go for the whole thing though)
Leaving Hope.
Leaving my house soon for the wonderfully dead monday nights at uni
good day
I think i will start crying in front of someone. Why are my feet so cold? I wish i could sleep, i fell asleep at 2 and then woke up at half 4. And just lay there, aghhh even thinking about that makes me want to cry.
(i cant type noises) I wish i went to Thailand/Africa/Canada. Spending a "gap" year in an office, and then the rest of the time worrying/being sick/ crying/ being angry, is not the way to prepare yourself for uni.
Uh empty, this is so unbelievably boring. I'm going to eat until I'm not bored. I really want to go to that thing on Saturday. (just read really bad things about it, cant believe everything you read but that's just ruined it for me now) Ariege, if you come home for saturday, come with me, or i'll be alone again. 2-6 at maidstone (i never go for the whole thing though)
Leaving Hope.
Leaving my house soon for the wonderfully dead monday nights at uni
good day
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Cry for everything bad thats ever happened.
I feel like if i don't write, it'll come out some other way, I'll verbally vomit or something.
When you're around by Motion city soundtrack and lover i don't have to love by Bright eyes are songs i cant stop listening to.
What i can see
Out of the glass doors and then through the windows, is a big thick haze. It's purple and behind it is the stars and the moon, but i can't see them though I'm just sitting here in the dark staring outside.
Carol and i were talking today. The things we were talking about applied to us, but we didn't let them. We were talking about someones lover who died when she was 19, and her relationship after that.
"So it didn't matter, no matter what he did, he wasn't enough."
"So the relationship was doomed from the start?"
Now they're with other people. At one point she looked at me, but i wasn't upset, it didn't apply to me in the slightest anymore. Then i said something, which must have hit her pretty hard, but she replied as if it didn't.
The truth is, i don't see the point in trying, if you know it's not going to work, or if the person isn't enough. This last week Ive thought about that twice. Monday, someone told me "The truth is, it was going to happen, and though you did everything to stop it, there is no way you would have."
When i think back about things, i realised i don't miss anything or anyone, i was just angry at the person who came in and tried her hardest to mess things up for me. I'm not sad or angry about that anymore.
It's just so weird to think how deep someone can affect you. I guess I'm really lucky, If a few months ago i could look into the future and see how i am now, id be shocked. I'm not coping anymore, I'm good/fine. But after Carol and I spoke, i spent an hour looking at the backs of peoples heads, and just thinking about it. One person i know a lot more than she'd like. When i wonder about how she feels now, i feel so sad.
There's a book my uncle lent me called, A History of the World in 10 1/2 chapters. One of the best books I'd ever read. I'd be sitting on the train or at work laughing or with my mouth wide open. At the end this guy has a dream where he's in Heaven and has everything he could ever want. But like everyone else before him, he chooses to finally die after.
in this i didn't talk about anything i planned to.
It MUST be obvious.
When you're around by Motion city soundtrack and lover i don't have to love by Bright eyes are songs i cant stop listening to.
What i can see
Out of the glass doors and then through the windows, is a big thick haze. It's purple and behind it is the stars and the moon, but i can't see them though I'm just sitting here in the dark staring outside.
Carol and i were talking today. The things we were talking about applied to us, but we didn't let them. We were talking about someones lover who died when she was 19, and her relationship after that.
"So it didn't matter, no matter what he did, he wasn't enough."
"So the relationship was doomed from the start?"
Now they're with other people. At one point she looked at me, but i wasn't upset, it didn't apply to me in the slightest anymore. Then i said something, which must have hit her pretty hard, but she replied as if it didn't.
The truth is, i don't see the point in trying, if you know it's not going to work, or if the person isn't enough. This last week Ive thought about that twice. Monday, someone told me "The truth is, it was going to happen, and though you did everything to stop it, there is no way you would have."
When i think back about things, i realised i don't miss anything or anyone, i was just angry at the person who came in and tried her hardest to mess things up for me. I'm not sad or angry about that anymore.
It's just so weird to think how deep someone can affect you. I guess I'm really lucky, If a few months ago i could look into the future and see how i am now, id be shocked. I'm not coping anymore, I'm good/fine. But after Carol and I spoke, i spent an hour looking at the backs of peoples heads, and just thinking about it. One person i know a lot more than she'd like. When i wonder about how she feels now, i feel so sad.
There's a book my uncle lent me called, A History of the World in 10 1/2 chapters. One of the best books I'd ever read. I'd be sitting on the train or at work laughing or with my mouth wide open. At the end this guy has a dream where he's in Heaven and has everything he could ever want. But like everyone else before him, he chooses to finally die after.
in this i didn't talk about anything i planned to.
It MUST be obvious.
this week and a bad picture
So this week i was in a really bad mood, and it exploded on saturday night with me being so freakishly bored and frustrated that i packed a backpack and walked to Farnham Station.
(I should have said "exploded" as it wasnt obvious i was about to scream to anyone else 'cept me.) Mitchell texted me a couple times to ask if i was coming home, but by that time i made up my mind and was on a train to London.
Why were you so frustrated, you ask.
I dont know.
...well...i do obv. Just dont feel like telling.
Monday, home-i think i did something, but really cant remember what, o yeah i became a lady for the day and baked loads of stuff, then i ran over to Laras house and she wasnt there. Then we drove past at around 9, no answer. Then my familia drove to my uni and uploaded my crap, looked around my room, then left. I unpacked and slept.
Tuesday, RAN to my lesson to find out the teacher has us starting and finishing later-so we get a smaller lunch break, wicked. Emailed Jack throughout the lesson (be grateful) and then had to record my bit for our radio. Cooked lunch for the girls. In print i wrote stuff on my computer which was connected to a projector proclaiming to the class how i was boring and so was the lesson. My teacher turned round a couple of times when people started laughing...got on a train, went home, ate some of my baked stuff then off we went to chalk farm.
Wednesday. day off. I did NOTHING.
Thursday. Day off, nearly did nothing then met jack for lunch. He told me to walk to london bridge, so i did, i didnt think i would enjoy it, but i did. Everyone on Tower Bridge was wrapped up with scarves and gloves and stuff, while i just strolled along in a really thin jumper thing. It was nice, usually hate the cold. Then i went home, nearly smashed my computer and went back to uni. I SWEAR coldest night of my life.
walked to uni
walked to su
walked back to house
walked to neareashas shop
walked/ran back to house
ran to su
waited outside su
walked back to house
walked back to su
walked back to house
(^that's how long i was in the cold for, and in that time (about 3 hours) i got home, talked to Dan Castro, got disappointed, got ready for bed, got a phone call, went out, got another phone call, blagged a free ticket for the sold out party, got ready and then went.)(did a lot of running too)
The Halloween party was ok. Everyone left saying "best party ever." so maybe i missed something. Tosan and i wore my huge wig for parts of the night, but the hairs ended up in our eyes, so we spent a lot of the time holding each others eyes open and trying to get them out. Dan and i did the whole reminiscing about Olaves and Newstead and better music, but then did the whole stupid dance thing anyway. At one point this guy was trying to mc over REALLY bad music, Dan started laughing because i unknowingly put on the most disgusted face he'd ever seen. So then we pretended to enjoy it, by going up to the guy and dancing, but then screaming CUT, while doing the cut throat action. This just spurred bad guy on even more so we went into the other room. There was a live band which was cool, but everyone was standing around so a bit boring. AND my feet ached because of my heavy shoes.
Funny stuff that was said:
"I'm a fairy"
"Why is your skin so brown?" (asked by a girl wearing a Cleopatra costume to me, when i said "um i was born this way" she gave me a dirty look and walked off with her tan lines streaking, weirdo)
"You know, its cold outside"- Tosan bursting into my room when i was in the middle of getting ready, while looking at what i was wearing.
"My piercing stinks of cheese"-Hannah, no explanation.
some random guy who followed me around all night, "so you wouldnt get a piercing there? why not? But you said it would be for yourself, and it would be! Well i think you would enjoy it!"
The BAD mc "when i saw Halloween, you say (inaudible). HALLOWEEN!" *silence*
-minus Dan and i screaming "CUT, please please cut."
At the end we were told to go to the main stage, we saw tom fiona and mario and the french chick dancing on the stage to the un-danceable band. I walked to the balcony and Dan and i were talking/leaning on each other. Then i turns around and Hannah's crying her eyes out. Everyone said to just leave her, "we dont know why shes crying." But it was obvious, so i hugged her and said to come back to our house.
We all went back and she had stopped, but she also didnt talk to me for the rest of the time, including the next morning, (out of embarrassment most likely.) I told Tos and Dan to talk to her more. Mitchell told us pikeys had broken into our house and tried to hurt Emma, so we did a big walkaround check thing. Dan and Tom juggled our free cutlery from the Ottakers skip outside and smashed all the plates.
Friday
Letters from the Uni telling us we were to be given a disciplinary if the garden wasnt cleared. We looked outside and it was horrible.
O yeah and i missed shorthand, waaaay too tired. History lesson was ok. Watched Erin Brokovich with Mitchell. EVERYONE went home for the weekend, which was meant to be my first one at uni.
Saturday, couldnt get up. Then got up. Decided to clean room so threw everything on the floor. Gave up had shower. Returned and put everything on bed. Decided to watch pulp fiction while cleaning, but played with camera. Then did hair while watching movie, then kicked everything off the bed. Then walked outside, thought for a while and gave up, waved wildly at Emmas mum in the kitchen and walked through Farnham with my bags.
It was really nice, cold BUT good. Usually i hate fireworks.
The train was cancelled. I got all excited thinking the Turners were having their bonfire/fireworks night, but James told me it was cancelled. So got off the train and walked home even more frustrated. I should have called Laura.
ahh disappointments, I'm so used to them, I'm beginning to love it.
Sunday, meant to be getting ready for church.... la lalalalalala
I think its time to buy a coat.
22 days to go.
(I should have said "exploded" as it wasnt obvious i was about to scream to anyone else 'cept me.) Mitchell texted me a couple times to ask if i was coming home, but by that time i made up my mind and was on a train to London.
Why were you so frustrated, you ask.
I dont know.
...well...i do obv. Just dont feel like telling.
Monday, home-i think i did something, but really cant remember what, o yeah i became a lady for the day and baked loads of stuff, then i ran over to Laras house and she wasnt there. Then we drove past at around 9, no answer. Then my familia drove to my uni and uploaded my crap, looked around my room, then left. I unpacked and slept.
Tuesday, RAN to my lesson to find out the teacher has us starting and finishing later-so we get a smaller lunch break, wicked. Emailed Jack throughout the lesson (be grateful) and then had to record my bit for our radio. Cooked lunch for the girls. In print i wrote stuff on my computer which was connected to a projector proclaiming to the class how i was boring and so was the lesson. My teacher turned round a couple of times when people started laughing...got on a train, went home, ate some of my baked stuff then off we went to chalk farm.
Wednesday. day off. I did NOTHING.
Thursday. Day off, nearly did nothing then met jack for lunch. He told me to walk to london bridge, so i did, i didnt think i would enjoy it, but i did. Everyone on Tower Bridge was wrapped up with scarves and gloves and stuff, while i just strolled along in a really thin jumper thing. It was nice, usually hate the cold. Then i went home, nearly smashed my computer and went back to uni. I SWEAR coldest night of my life.
walked to uni
walked to su
walked back to house
walked to neareashas shop
walked/ran back to house
ran to su
waited outside su
walked back to house
walked back to su
walked back to house
(^that's how long i was in the cold for, and in that time (about 3 hours) i got home, talked to Dan Castro, got disappointed, got ready for bed, got a phone call, went out, got another phone call, blagged a free ticket for the sold out party, got ready and then went.)(did a lot of running too)
The Halloween party was ok. Everyone left saying "best party ever." so maybe i missed something. Tosan and i wore my huge wig for parts of the night, but the hairs ended up in our eyes, so we spent a lot of the time holding each others eyes open and trying to get them out. Dan and i did the whole reminiscing about Olaves and Newstead and better music, but then did the whole stupid dance thing anyway. At one point this guy was trying to mc over REALLY bad music, Dan started laughing because i unknowingly put on the most disgusted face he'd ever seen. So then we pretended to enjoy it, by going up to the guy and dancing, but then screaming CUT, while doing the cut throat action. This just spurred bad guy on even more so we went into the other room. There was a live band which was cool, but everyone was standing around so a bit boring. AND my feet ached because of my heavy shoes.
Funny stuff that was said:
"I'm a fairy"
"Why is your skin so brown?" (asked by a girl wearing a Cleopatra costume to me, when i said "um i was born this way" she gave me a dirty look and walked off with her tan lines streaking, weirdo)
"You know, its cold outside"- Tosan bursting into my room when i was in the middle of getting ready, while looking at what i was wearing.
"My piercing stinks of cheese"-Hannah, no explanation.
some random guy who followed me around all night, "so you wouldnt get a piercing there? why not? But you said it would be for yourself, and it would be! Well i think you would enjoy it!"
The BAD mc "when i saw Halloween, you say (inaudible). HALLOWEEN!" *silence*
-minus Dan and i screaming "CUT, please please cut."
At the end we were told to go to the main stage, we saw tom fiona and mario and the french chick dancing on the stage to the un-danceable band. I walked to the balcony and Dan and i were talking/leaning on each other. Then i turns around and Hannah's crying her eyes out. Everyone said to just leave her, "we dont know why shes crying." But it was obvious, so i hugged her and said to come back to our house.
We all went back and she had stopped, but she also didnt talk to me for the rest of the time, including the next morning, (out of embarrassment most likely.) I told Tos and Dan to talk to her more. Mitchell told us pikeys had broken into our house and tried to hurt Emma, so we did a big walkaround check thing. Dan and Tom juggled our free cutlery from the Ottakers skip outside and smashed all the plates.
Friday
Letters from the Uni telling us we were to be given a disciplinary if the garden wasnt cleared. We looked outside and it was horrible.
O yeah and i missed shorthand, waaaay too tired. History lesson was ok. Watched Erin Brokovich with Mitchell. EVERYONE went home for the weekend, which was meant to be my first one at uni.
Saturday, couldnt get up. Then got up. Decided to clean room so threw everything on the floor. Gave up had shower. Returned and put everything on bed. Decided to watch pulp fiction while cleaning, but played with camera. Then did hair while watching movie, then kicked everything off the bed. Then walked outside, thought for a while and gave up, waved wildly at Emmas mum in the kitchen and walked through Farnham with my bags.
It was really nice, cold BUT good. Usually i hate fireworks.
The train was cancelled. I got all excited thinking the Turners were having their bonfire/fireworks night, but James told me it was cancelled. So got off the train and walked home even more frustrated. I should have called Laura.
ahh disappointments, I'm so used to them, I'm beginning to love it.
Sunday, meant to be getting ready for church.... la lalalalalala
I think its time to buy a coat.
22 days to go.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
he actually called up to say
censored
(this is another thing adding to my anger tonight, i would just go and watch fight club but james is mixing music in here)
ariege where the hell did YOU piss off to? You said "im gonna be coming back and forth, keep talking to me."
ARGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Tell this liam dude hes taking the piss now, he sees you everyday while ive talked to you TWICE in the last 2 months. (if i had a car id drive down to brighton...ablah blah blah.)
Laura was meant to meet me for lunch, tomorrow im storming into snappy snaps and dragging her out so i can finally EAT. i dont care if that weird anastacia "i know cory" girl moans.
Chloe's just told me shes coming down for my birthday (i just realised why this is a bad thing)
anyway...this MADE me happy as i need comfort right now, and shes the only one whose presence comforts me on the dreaded day, but then again it wont be on the day.
I realise now this is a bad thing as i think i want to be in farnham on my birthday as i havent told anyone (except my flatmates/close friends) when it is. Also now shes saying she'll get everyone to come down for it, no freaking way. If all the newstead/olaves crew come to bromley im going to see ellerie in nottingham....hmm maaaybe i will.
I hate MY birthday more than i hate...YOU.
James is staring at me.
"what IS wrong?" then he played me a song that went "ding dong, ring a ding, ring ding dong, " which did exactly what he planned. Ok im happy now.
hehee dong...
(this is another thing adding to my anger tonight, i would just go and watch fight club but james is mixing music in here)
ariege where the hell did YOU piss off to? You said "im gonna be coming back and forth, keep talking to me."
ARGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Tell this liam dude hes taking the piss now, he sees you everyday while ive talked to you TWICE in the last 2 months. (if i had a car id drive down to brighton...ablah blah blah.)
Laura was meant to meet me for lunch, tomorrow im storming into snappy snaps and dragging her out so i can finally EAT. i dont care if that weird anastacia "i know cory" girl moans.
Chloe's just told me shes coming down for my birthday (i just realised why this is a bad thing)
anyway...this MADE me happy as i need comfort right now, and shes the only one whose presence comforts me on the dreaded day, but then again it wont be on the day.
I realise now this is a bad thing as i think i want to be in farnham on my birthday as i havent told anyone (except my flatmates/close friends) when it is. Also now shes saying she'll get everyone to come down for it, no freaking way. If all the newstead/olaves crew come to bromley im going to see ellerie in nottingham....hmm maaaybe i will.
I hate MY birthday more than i hate...YOU.
James is staring at me.
"what IS wrong?" then he played me a song that went "ding dong, ring a ding, ring ding dong, " which did exactly what he planned. Ok im happy now.
hehee dong...
scream
Ariege and i are talking about being lesbians (well, i am) minus the hugging kissing and sex, because that would freak me out. I'm sure everyone who used to see us together always (mostly at fayes) thought we were lesbians. It would be easier than now...ish.
I'm such a wuss, PUNK.
Yesterday saw my uncle play in London with Jack, was wellllll good. This dude who looked a bit nerdish played and one his songs had such good lyrics so i actually got some...ovaries, and talked to him.
My uncle BLATE rocked, in a mellow way. He was a bit happy, seeing as he told my dad that i was the only member of the family to actually GO see him play. That's horrible (father if you still read this, go see your brother play-he is working for you and all) I asked him if he was nervous and he said he kinda was, which shocked me because i was joking. Then he said it was because playing in front of a concert crowd is easier than a small group, because the bigger crowd really gets into it, which i get.
Anyway... I want to talk to Jolyon.
"blah blah o no, this person is this....so therefore this cant happen"
if i wasnt so censored on this freaking thing maybe i could make more sense AND be more obvious.
Billie invited me to something tonight, so i texted her and she sent this communal text back telling everyone it was cancelled-thanks love, i didnt even want to go anyway-you knew that...o crap maybe i should go to maidstone.
noooo.
Charlotte and i talked on the phone today, weird and straight to some sort of point, which made me angry, actually. i thought the whole time, it was ME. (ok maybe relief (no not really) and not anger) I'll call her again some other day, when i get confused again.
ive been watching fight club every night,
argh, i mean its not the first thing you think of before you step into it, is it?
this just doesnt make sense, i shouldnt even post it, but whatev.
(scream)
o yeah, steven asked me to read christina rossetti's the convenant something, the covenant threshold, espesh the 5th and 6th stanza, someone please read it for me and tell me what the point of me reading it would be.
I'm such a wuss, PUNK.
Yesterday saw my uncle play in London with Jack, was wellllll good. This dude who looked a bit nerdish played and one his songs had such good lyrics so i actually got some...ovaries, and talked to him.
My uncle BLATE rocked, in a mellow way. He was a bit happy, seeing as he told my dad that i was the only member of the family to actually GO see him play. That's horrible (father if you still read this, go see your brother play-he is working for you and all) I asked him if he was nervous and he said he kinda was, which shocked me because i was joking. Then he said it was because playing in front of a concert crowd is easier than a small group, because the bigger crowd really gets into it, which i get.
Anyway... I want to talk to Jolyon.
"blah blah o no, this person is this....so therefore this cant happen"
if i wasnt so censored on this freaking thing maybe i could make more sense AND be more obvious.
Billie invited me to something tonight, so i texted her and she sent this communal text back telling everyone it was cancelled-thanks love, i didnt even want to go anyway-you knew that...o crap maybe i should go to maidstone.
noooo.
Charlotte and i talked on the phone today, weird and straight to some sort of point, which made me angry, actually. i thought the whole time, it was ME. (ok maybe relief (no not really) and not anger) I'll call her again some other day, when i get confused again.
ive been watching fight club every night,
argh, i mean its not the first thing you think of before you step into it, is it?
this just doesnt make sense, i shouldnt even post it, but whatev.
(scream)
o yeah, steven asked me to read christina rossetti's the convenant something, the covenant threshold, espesh the 5th and 6th stanza, someone please read it for me and tell me what the point of me reading it would be.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
yo im at your funeral bitch, tearing up yo roses
thats all i gotta say, i have scars mmm, london tonight-yay hopefully.
im in radio class, i want lunch
"yes rap angel, i shall rap about deez nutz"
Im in your seas, transporting your passengers
(i think im the only person in the entire world that finds these funny.)
im in radio class, i want lunch
"yes rap angel, i shall rap about deez nutz"
Im in your seas, transporting your passengers
(i think im the only person in the entire world that finds these funny.)
Sunday, October 29, 2006
ouch
I had an allergic reaction again today. I got up and started getting ready for conference, and after my really hot shower, i saw a face product that id used before, just put a bit on then went into my room. Then a second later my face started burning so i walked back to the bathroom and nothing was wrong so i just splashed it a couple times. Then about 10 minutes later it really started hurting so i decided to look in the mirror and in areas it was bright red and the parts really affected looked like id been stung with stinging nettles...mmmm. Anyway i wasnt that bothered and after a while i walked into my parents room to get something when my mum said "whats wrong with your face?" and i got scared but it was still the same as before. Before we got in the car she told me to take a wash cloth with ice to put on it, and by the time we reached maidstone (around 30 minutes) it'd kinda calmed down. Still stung like crazy though.
The best quote from today was
Diann/mother "It's really red."
Jordana/daughter "Well im wearing red today, so i might as well have a matching face."
Saw someone in maidstone ive never talked to, but still was shocked to see. I pulled Billie aside especially.
Rosie Taekema and Heather Meacham pulled me aside (ariege they said 'where are you?' and also 'does she still look like an aubergine?' I'm surprised they remembered)
Megan (aarons sister) was there, we did the whole "o do you remember me? from the dances?" thing.
I sung all the way through for the first time ever. James broke his promise and deserted me so i walked off, well stumbled around for a while. I thought today was going to be really bad, but it wasn't. Maybe people aren't so bad.
Wo oo, operation christmas child on the 11th November, im so there, best part of my year-look it up, its cheese but good.
The best quote from today was
Diann/mother "It's really red."
Jordana/daughter "Well im wearing red today, so i might as well have a matching face."
Saw someone in maidstone ive never talked to, but still was shocked to see. I pulled Billie aside especially.
Rosie Taekema and Heather Meacham pulled me aside (ariege they said 'where are you?' and also 'does she still look like an aubergine?' I'm surprised they remembered)
Megan (aarons sister) was there, we did the whole "o do you remember me? from the dances?" thing.
I sung all the way through for the first time ever. James broke his promise and deserted me so i walked off, well stumbled around for a while. I thought today was going to be really bad, but it wasn't. Maybe people aren't so bad.
Wo oo, operation christmas child on the 11th November, im so there, best part of my year-look it up, its cheese but good.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
a change of subject
In that picture I'm fanning away the spirits, alcoholic spirits, and the flowers have black wafting off of them, just because. the background says something of me being head girl. Ariege's sister used to be head girl at newstead, i used to look at the name YEARS before i met ariege and think "what a strangely wonderful name."
Steph, Chloe, me, Sarah, Leah. The only person i really liked on my table was cut out the picture. Well i liked Chloe...um. I miss Mona. Examine my "hello I'm Jordana, I'm at newstead wood and i love formals" fake smile. Newstead wood girls always look different than other girls.
I remember this day now! I was wearing a skirt, i walked into the hall late and Chloe and Leah stood up and started making fun of me, because i was in a skirt, JUST like Chloe and Laura did when i walked into Lloyds on sunday.
hate you all, mwa. Conference tomorrow at Maidstone. hmm.
I cant wait for 2006 to be over. A much better year than last year but still terrible. Ahhh my own stupid fault anyway.
"Well here we go again
You've found yourself a friend that knows you well
But no matter what you do
You'll always feel as though you tripped and fell "-yeah.
I do miss school, only for Laura and me being 'immature' and me n mona having deep conversations, ahhh. French lessons, i miss them ALOT. O and classics, i saw my medea book with all my scribbles. I was on the train with mr stokes awhile ago, i panicked a little. I tried to be all cool, i doubt he noticed me, he's gay.
shower time now, then ice lolly time.
Im sleeping downstairs tonight, hello daddy yes i am
bye
time goes forward today, ablah blah blAH
Steph, Chloe, me, Sarah, Leah. The only person i really liked on my table was cut out the picture. Well i liked Chloe...um. I miss Mona. Examine my "hello I'm Jordana, I'm at newstead wood and i love formals" fake smile. Newstead wood girls always look different than other girls.
I remember this day now! I was wearing a skirt, i walked into the hall late and Chloe and Leah stood up and started making fun of me, because i was in a skirt, JUST like Chloe and Laura did when i walked into Lloyds on sunday.
hate you all, mwa. Conference tomorrow at Maidstone. hmm.
I cant wait for 2006 to be over. A much better year than last year but still terrible. Ahhh my own stupid fault anyway.
"Well here we go again
You've found yourself a friend that knows you well
But no matter what you do
You'll always feel as though you tripped and fell "-yeah.
I do miss school, only for Laura and me being 'immature' and me n mona having deep conversations, ahhh. French lessons, i miss them ALOT. O and classics, i saw my medea book with all my scribbles. I was on the train with mr stokes awhile ago, i panicked a little. I tried to be all cool, i doubt he noticed me, he's gay.
shower time now, then ice lolly time.
Im sleeping downstairs tonight, hello daddy yes i am
bye
time goes forward today, ablah blah blAH
even if you got down on your knees you couldnt make me stay
"stab my back, it's better when i bleed for you"
Im at home, james' friends...thats all i can say, strange . James is friends with kids i used to know from pirmary school, they dont even recognise me so i just look down and say "pass the cord please...hello james."
My parents are at a church thing, i was meant to go which is why i came back earlier, so just me, ma bro and my uncle.
"you wrecked my life, now im gonna have to drive all night."
James is going out, really missed him this week actually seeing as the last time we saw each other it was an intense brother/sis bonding thang going on.
Nereasha and i took huge mugs to shorthand, this girl who reminds me of leah gave us the dirtiest looks while commenting on us bringing them to a lesson. We spent the whole time laughing (quietly, so we werent told off)
i have nothing to write about, had a weird dream again last night, was in a room on a bed and the door opened, a girl looked down on the floor and started talking to a person sleeping there, then she pointed at me and said "well she better be worth it." So i pretended to sleep and she was trying to convince the person to wake me up. They kept saying no, though i couldnt hear their voice. After she left, i felt the edge of the bed move, so i kicked out my leg as if i was turning over in my sleep and the bed went back to normal. I then lay there with my eyes open until i was actually awake with my eyes open looking up in the dark. So im not sure if i was fully asleep or just kinda 'day'dreaming.
"Its amazing what you'll find, when you just open your eyes...
...now this wrong remains it will never ever go away"
on the subject of music i had the longest seeming dream once that hanson were in my house, and taylor and i were in my garden playing with a ball, and then they left in a van but said "see you tomorrow" and then i woke up and i was sooo angry! damn dreams.
im bored, ariege when you next back?
Im at home, james' friends...thats all i can say, strange . James is friends with kids i used to know from pirmary school, they dont even recognise me so i just look down and say "pass the cord please...hello james."
My parents are at a church thing, i was meant to go which is why i came back earlier, so just me, ma bro and my uncle.
"you wrecked my life, now im gonna have to drive all night."
James is going out, really missed him this week actually seeing as the last time we saw each other it was an intense brother/sis bonding thang going on.
Nereasha and i took huge mugs to shorthand, this girl who reminds me of leah gave us the dirtiest looks while commenting on us bringing them to a lesson. We spent the whole time laughing (quietly, so we werent told off)
i have nothing to write about, had a weird dream again last night, was in a room on a bed and the door opened, a girl looked down on the floor and started talking to a person sleeping there, then she pointed at me and said "well she better be worth it." So i pretended to sleep and she was trying to convince the person to wake me up. They kept saying no, though i couldnt hear their voice. After she left, i felt the edge of the bed move, so i kicked out my leg as if i was turning over in my sleep and the bed went back to normal. I then lay there with my eyes open until i was actually awake with my eyes open looking up in the dark. So im not sure if i was fully asleep or just kinda 'day'dreaming.
"Its amazing what you'll find, when you just open your eyes...
...now this wrong remains it will never ever go away"
on the subject of music i had the longest seeming dream once that hanson were in my house, and taylor and i were in my garden playing with a ball, and then they left in a van but said "see you tomorrow" and then i woke up and i was sooo angry! damn dreams.
im bored, ariege when you next back?
Thursday, October 26, 2006
lucid dreaming
a couple nights ago i had a dream that this guy i knew (in the dream) had one of those long death lock things, all i remember about his hair was that i was sitting on my bed at uni and he had his head on my shoulder, and his hair was really soft (i realised this was because i slept on my fluffy pillow that night) and i was just feeling it against my jaw/cheek.
THEN we zoomed to orpington, in a big white van, driving with loads of people, i was with a girl i knew and the rest guys (these people were all made up in my dream)
they tried teaching me how to ride a bike, but i refused...some of them went driving round on a motorcycle while the rest of us sat in the van eating, and it was freezing. Then at one point i got up and (i have this thing about running) i said i need to run, so he agreed to run with me and we started running down this street (which is the one near newstead and the station with the huuumongus hill)
then i stopped because i had won, and there was a man walking his dog, and i turned around and at that second the man let lose this dog
(which looked like a dog we used to have in Trinidad, except the real one was really softcore and this was a mega-hardcore-beast)
so i faced the boy and i was like 'stop running', and he just laughed and though he didn't turn around, he knew the dog was there, and as the dog jumped up to bite him he just turned to the side and the dog ignored him and came towards me. And then at this point i realised it was a dream, so i told myself to stop it, but the dog still came at me. So i thought ok, do that lucid thinking crap but it just didn't work. the dog came up to me and i did the turny thing like the guy before did, but it came up and bit my back. And you don't feel pain in dreams but this sharp pain hit my back and i remember feeling really shocked, and in the dream there was all this blood, and the dog was tearing at my back, then i finally woke up.
I got up straight away and felt my back and nothing hurt, how weird is that, how did i feel pain in a dream and nothing had actually caused that pain?
i had another dream after that, and it was just this large strong piece of metal floating in the air,and i could make it bend by thinking about it, (like magneto innit) and i made all these weird shapes, and i made it look like people i knew and i remember laughing alot.
then i made it into a slide without meaning or wanting to and somehow i started sliding down it head first and i was really scared because there was nothing at the end, and i woke myself up.
ima rant more.just because.
when i was younger, and til maybe a year ago, i had this one recurring dream and it was from when i was told we were leaving trinidad onwards. In the dream i 'woke up' and this guy was tapping at the window and i opened it. He was totally silver, didnt have a face. hmm just realised he didnt have a voice but we somehow communicated... and id sit by the air conditioning unit just talking to him until i fell asleep in the dream and then really woke up.
Then in england they stopped for a while because i only had nightmares, but in one nightmare he zoomed past and i hated him.
then we started 'talking' again, but not the same as before because i was older i guess, and hated dreams. (ha do i sound like a right retard? rytz retardz liek)
lalala then i had dreams where he didnt knock, hed just literally come right in, and it was nice but weird. And then in one dream i said "i wish you had the face of someone i like talking to", and he just kind of nodded, and i "fell asleep" and away he went
whooooooosssh
ive had a few dreams about real people recently, more than ever but i hate them, because when i wake up and realise it WAS just a dream, i get a little sad, but more hopefull, maybe
ok i got loads of shorthand to draw
THEN we zoomed to orpington, in a big white van, driving with loads of people, i was with a girl i knew and the rest guys (these people were all made up in my dream)
they tried teaching me how to ride a bike, but i refused...some of them went driving round on a motorcycle while the rest of us sat in the van eating, and it was freezing. Then at one point i got up and (i have this thing about running) i said i need to run, so he agreed to run with me and we started running down this street (which is the one near newstead and the station with the huuumongus hill)
then i stopped because i had won, and there was a man walking his dog, and i turned around and at that second the man let lose this dog
(which looked like a dog we used to have in Trinidad, except the real one was really softcore and this was a mega-hardcore-beast)
so i faced the boy and i was like 'stop running', and he just laughed and though he didn't turn around, he knew the dog was there, and as the dog jumped up to bite him he just turned to the side and the dog ignored him and came towards me. And then at this point i realised it was a dream, so i told myself to stop it, but the dog still came at me. So i thought ok, do that lucid thinking crap but it just didn't work. the dog came up to me and i did the turny thing like the guy before did, but it came up and bit my back. And you don't feel pain in dreams but this sharp pain hit my back and i remember feeling really shocked, and in the dream there was all this blood, and the dog was tearing at my back, then i finally woke up.
I got up straight away and felt my back and nothing hurt, how weird is that, how did i feel pain in a dream and nothing had actually caused that pain?
i had another dream after that, and it was just this large strong piece of metal floating in the air,and i could make it bend by thinking about it, (like magneto innit) and i made all these weird shapes, and i made it look like people i knew and i remember laughing alot.
then i made it into a slide without meaning or wanting to and somehow i started sliding down it head first and i was really scared because there was nothing at the end, and i woke myself up.
ima rant more.just because.
when i was younger, and til maybe a year ago, i had this one recurring dream and it was from when i was told we were leaving trinidad onwards. In the dream i 'woke up' and this guy was tapping at the window and i opened it. He was totally silver, didnt have a face. hmm just realised he didnt have a voice but we somehow communicated... and id sit by the air conditioning unit just talking to him until i fell asleep in the dream and then really woke up.
Then in england they stopped for a while because i only had nightmares, but in one nightmare he zoomed past and i hated him.
then we started 'talking' again, but not the same as before because i was older i guess, and hated dreams. (ha do i sound like a right retard? rytz retardz liek)
lalala then i had dreams where he didnt knock, hed just literally come right in, and it was nice but weird. And then in one dream i said "i wish you had the face of someone i like talking to", and he just kind of nodded, and i "fell asleep" and away he went
whooooooosssh
ive had a few dreams about real people recently, more than ever but i hate them, because when i wake up and realise it WAS just a dream, i get a little sad, but more hopefull, maybe
ok i got loads of shorthand to draw
I've been listening to AAR alot recently, which is a good thing as they are making me happy. I think its annoying my neighbour though, but who cares, he stomps around his room to get my attention, so im drowing him out with better sounds. (if theres any mistakes, pah, im writing this in a lecture and cant see the screen...)
Wednesday was such an empty day, just music and movies, i watched ali g again, wow its really crap, minus a few parts. My summer of love was the best british low budget movie ive seen in my LIFE.
edith piaf ahhhh i just played that song over and over again and did the little dance thing, yeah im sad, who cares it made me happy. All american rejects are making me very happy, im sad i havent listened to them for an hour and a half now.
nereasha slept round ;ast night cos i felt really alone, dan called me up to mke flapjacks, which was really nice of him. They tasted nice. Nereasha gave me free chips. shes sleeping in my room now while i sit here.
im in a group with tash dave and shaikre and vanessa for reporting skills. we had to interview each other. our mini project on me. Im hating this "jordana is sitting there in the colours she is rarely seen without, red belt, red top, red jumper, red nails and red bag." "at the age of three jordana lived a happy life in her native trinidad, free from cares til the day she nearly drowned." "Jordana was hit by a car, she had to go to hospital" They have to overemphasise everything to make it seem interesting.
I wanted to do daves impaling himself with glass at 10, or tash's totalling a jaguar at 3, but no.
(that comment freaked me out dude. another censorship issue)
Why cant people be friends without all this relationship crap getting in the way?
i want to leave uni now, i agreed to do something on the weekend i dont think i should do, or want to do-im so stupid.
I didnt sleep last night-arrrgh not again
anyway lectures re-starting betterrrr go.
nereashas working tonight, free chips. Zahras gone to canada, ahhhh
Wednesday was such an empty day, just music and movies, i watched ali g again, wow its really crap, minus a few parts. My summer of love was the best british low budget movie ive seen in my LIFE.
edith piaf ahhhh i just played that song over and over again and did the little dance thing, yeah im sad, who cares it made me happy. All american rejects are making me very happy, im sad i havent listened to them for an hour and a half now.
nereasha slept round ;ast night cos i felt really alone, dan called me up to mke flapjacks, which was really nice of him. They tasted nice. Nereasha gave me free chips. shes sleeping in my room now while i sit here.
im in a group with tash dave and shaikre and vanessa for reporting skills. we had to interview each other. our mini project on me. Im hating this "jordana is sitting there in the colours she is rarely seen without, red belt, red top, red jumper, red nails and red bag." "at the age of three jordana lived a happy life in her native trinidad, free from cares til the day she nearly drowned." "Jordana was hit by a car, she had to go to hospital" They have to overemphasise everything to make it seem interesting.
I wanted to do daves impaling himself with glass at 10, or tash's totalling a jaguar at 3, but no.
(that comment freaked me out dude. another censorship issue)
Why cant people be friends without all this relationship crap getting in the way?
i want to leave uni now, i agreed to do something on the weekend i dont think i should do, or want to do-im so stupid.
I didnt sleep last night-arrrgh not again
anyway lectures re-starting betterrrr go.
nereashas working tonight, free chips. Zahras gone to canada, ahhhh
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
sometimes, i think i can see right through myself
ahhh i listened to nine inch nails allloott today
my new hatred is boys. Im in the library next to an uber GEEK (which is the horrible word) who i also have to live with. I cannot stand people.
(people who spy and look over my screen as i type (read: ian my flatmate) freak me out.
Is that subtle enough?
i dont hate people really, im just bored
(edit 28th october, naaaaahhh i think i hate people)
my new hatred is boys. Im in the library next to an uber GEEK (which is the horrible word) who i also have to live with. I cannot stand people.
(people who spy and look over my screen as i type (read: ian my flatmate) freak me out.
Is that subtle enough?
i dont hate people really, im just bored
(edit 28th october, naaaaahhh i think i hate people)
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
design assessment
im in a design assessment, ive done all my work
haha we've passed
NOW im confident, not then, NOW
im recieving texts, blondey is more civil than pratt. HA who'd have thought,
im goign to otts next weekend to see ellerie, then exeter sometime after that, my flatmates have taken all my cupboard space, argh losers, they found a skip and decorated our kitchen with the contents, nice and sterile i say.
people (especially people) suck
haha we've passed
NOW im confident, not then, NOW
im recieving texts, blondey is more civil than pratt. HA who'd have thought,
im goign to otts next weekend to see ellerie, then exeter sometime after that, my flatmates have taken all my cupboard space, argh losers, they found a skip and decorated our kitchen with the contents, nice and sterile i say.
people (especially people) suck
Monday, October 23, 2006
no opinion
so on saturday had a fun day "little pinches" and running through some rain and dancing on a platform (ok so already gave my opinion shoot me)
then on sunday a wet day and had to stand up and say stuff a couple of times, then went to elloroes and took some pictures and ate some food and listened to delightful music, then went down to bromley and had some banter with laura and her scott, chloe and her wauren. Scott kept walking away eveytime something was funny and at one time chloe had to hold my waist because i was talking and then looked at laura and laughed and i started choking, water down the eyes and everything dzarling
then they gave me a lift home
then james had my laptop round someones house so i stayed downstairs as long as possible then turned on my tv and watched george clooney do soemthign with vampires, then i turned it off and drew until early morning.
Then on monday i stayed in bed for as long as possible and got out at 9.15 and hung out with james and played a game ( and he kicked my butt the first 2 times but then i kicked his and he got annoyed and spent all his "game money" buying people to kill me...and then won) and then we ordered pizza with change and watched a movie, then we both fell asleep on the sofa and i woke him up. and then i wrote for uni for a few hours
bland and sterile
then on sunday a wet day and had to stand up and say stuff a couple of times, then went to elloroes and took some pictures and ate some food and listened to delightful music, then went down to bromley and had some banter with laura and her scott, chloe and her wauren. Scott kept walking away eveytime something was funny and at one time chloe had to hold my waist because i was talking and then looked at laura and laughed and i started choking, water down the eyes and everything dzarling
then they gave me a lift home
then james had my laptop round someones house so i stayed downstairs as long as possible then turned on my tv and watched george clooney do soemthign with vampires, then i turned it off and drew until early morning.
Then on monday i stayed in bed for as long as possible and got out at 9.15 and hung out with james and played a game ( and he kicked my butt the first 2 times but then i kicked his and he got annoyed and spent all his "game money" buying people to kill me...and then won) and then we ordered pizza with change and watched a movie, then we both fell asleep on the sofa and i woke him up. and then i wrote for uni for a few hours
bland and sterile
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Jordana's lyrics of the week, class 101.
The last two posts weren't very nice, but i wasn't in a "nice" mood. It's weird how one person can make you hate the word nice. Also that one person can make you despise yourself for being nice.
Promise Breaker
Why do you build me up and then break me down?
Why don't you just come through?
You know that I can't get by on promises you never should have made
I'm holding on, but not for long if you don't make a change.
Why do you build me up and then break me down?
Why don't you just come through?
I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.
If you can't do what you say, I'm leaving you
Sometimes love is not enough.
Your good intentions are losing their intent
I'm waiting for something more that might not ever come
You're losing me...
lalala Homegrown rock, missed them for the year n a half i stopped listening, should have listened to this song a year ago!
and also these are the best lyrics ever:
Why do girls analyse
Evaluate and criticise
Other girls that they don't know
Spreading rumors, spreading lies,
Talking shit when I walk by
You're always stepping on my toes
apparently my song, fuck that. Best song ever though.
BAAAAD day today, i think. Was meant to be at work for 8 and then at uni with suitcases by 3. Arrived at work at 11, no suitcases, but got my glasses. And im just going straight home, lost the (actually change that to lolz to) effort.
ARgh i hate the word effort too, "blah blah effort, blah blah attention."
Just thought of a title for this blog, now some good ol' Poison the Well
Mid Air Love Message
Kisses are never safe when residue of old love is left
how could I feel lesser when someone better walks around
waiting for you to call out
As your cold hand grasps mine I feel unright
and privileged to be able to look
in your eyes, same chemical as stars
Deformed fingers leave trails of hearts in writing
could three words be the end to births only meaning
Crying to sleep is my remedy
urgently trying to stand on broken / confused legs
Am I looking for reasons not to be happy
emotions catch up with me / I'm too fast for them
i just like the first line innnnnit, well and others.
wooooaaah and the song moments over exaggerate-thats my life/brain! haha excellent song title and excellente song. Why are they not on my ipod?
hmm they got too emo, wannabe ish on their last album, thats why i went off them.
no point talking about real life today-work sucks! grey days suck unless ...(nah)
i was sitting on a train to farnham the other day and all these words came into my head and i didnt have a pen so i typed the first line on my phone and couldnt remember the rest, i thought it was pretty good, but all i have is something about appreciating, and gone.
i suck
xxxxx
Actually...i got so bored doing NOTHING at work i thought i'd do some of my "making up a story out of nuthin" thang...
(well i wrote it out and it bored me, if something that was fun, is boring to write about, then there's no point.)
"o Jordaahhhhnah, i was wondering if the servers had come back online?"(my name is JorDANa bitch)
"o not yet th-"
"because you see im very busy... and if i dont waahhhaaaheeeewwoooyooouurrrenotttaloooone"
"yes" "uhuh"
[This is my day, having people ask me questions and not listen to my answer then telling me about their lives while i zone out and sing songs]
the new guy keeps tapping at the door, i find this funny so im not going to give him the code.
Promise Breaker
Why do you build me up and then break me down?
Why don't you just come through?
You know that I can't get by on promises you never should have made
I'm holding on, but not for long if you don't make a change.
Why do you build me up and then break me down?
Why don't you just come through?
I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.
If you can't do what you say, I'm leaving you
Sometimes love is not enough.
Your good intentions are losing their intent
I'm waiting for something more that might not ever come
You're losing me...
lalala Homegrown rock, missed them for the year n a half i stopped listening, should have listened to this song a year ago!
and also these are the best lyrics ever:
Why do girls analyse
Evaluate and criticise
Other girls that they don't know
Spreading rumors, spreading lies,
Talking shit when I walk by
You're always stepping on my toes
apparently my song, fuck that. Best song ever though.
BAAAAD day today, i think. Was meant to be at work for 8 and then at uni with suitcases by 3. Arrived at work at 11, no suitcases, but got my glasses. And im just going straight home, lost the (actually change that to lolz to) effort.
ARgh i hate the word effort too, "blah blah effort, blah blah attention."
Just thought of a title for this blog, now some good ol' Poison the Well
Mid Air Love Message
Kisses are never safe when residue of old love is left
how could I feel lesser when someone better walks around
waiting for you to call out
As your cold hand grasps mine I feel unright
and privileged to be able to look
in your eyes, same chemical as stars
Deformed fingers leave trails of hearts in writing
could three words be the end to births only meaning
Crying to sleep is my remedy
urgently trying to stand on broken / confused legs
Am I looking for reasons not to be happy
emotions catch up with me / I'm too fast for them
i just like the first line innnnnit, well and others.
wooooaaah and the song moments over exaggerate-thats my life/brain! haha excellent song title and excellente song. Why are they not on my ipod?
hmm they got too emo, wannabe ish on their last album, thats why i went off them.
no point talking about real life today-work sucks! grey days suck unless ...(nah)
i was sitting on a train to farnham the other day and all these words came into my head and i didnt have a pen so i typed the first line on my phone and couldnt remember the rest, i thought it was pretty good, but all i have is something about appreciating, and gone.
i suck
xxxxx
Actually...i got so bored doing NOTHING at work i thought i'd do some of my "making up a story out of nuthin" thang...
(well i wrote it out and it bored me, if something that was fun, is boring to write about, then there's no point.)
"o Jordaahhhhnah, i was wondering if the servers had come back online?"(my name is JorDANa bitch)
"o not yet th-"
"because you see im very busy... and if i dont waahhhaaaheeeewwoooyooouurrrenotttaloooone"
"yes" "uhuh"
[This is my day, having people ask me questions and not listen to my answer then telling me about their lives while i zone out and sing songs]
the new guy keeps tapping at the door, i find this funny so im not going to give him the code.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
an hour and a half of sleep is a good thing.
I don't wear a coat since I love the cold. It's not my fault I was never told... to be polite when I speak. Bow to crowds' applause from empty seats. Hold out your hand; are you ready to eat? You look starved from up here.
They paved the streets we used to meet. How about another ride around to treat,
a sickness where I leak out my dreams?
Fill in the dirt as I crawl out a hole. Ev-ry-thing-I-have-I stole... It's just cheaper that way. What's the reason I don't wake up? Fuck this, fuck you. I am reason enough... to daydream the day.
I never needed anyone. I'd even give up my health for a pretty little name that's electric. It's electric.
Mmm i do love this band. Id like to escape right now. I wish i traveled rather than uni. I wouldnt mind going on another year out now, now when i have independence. I want to listen to Socratic, like i have the strongest urge right now, but i have to be polite.
I was meant to be in bromley, where the hell is my family.
Im exhausted but i feel more awake on less sleep.YES charlotte.xxxxxxx
.
They paved the streets we used to meet. How about another ride around to treat,
a sickness where I leak out my dreams?
Fill in the dirt as I crawl out a hole. Ev-ry-thing-I-have-I stole... It's just cheaper that way. What's the reason I don't wake up? Fuck this, fuck you. I am reason enough... to daydream the day.
I never needed anyone. I'd even give up my health for a pretty little name that's electric. It's electric.
Mmm i do love this band. Id like to escape right now. I wish i traveled rather than uni. I wouldnt mind going on another year out now, now when i have independence. I want to listen to Socratic, like i have the strongest urge right now, but i have to be polite.
I was meant to be in bromley, where the hell is my family.
Im exhausted but i feel more awake on less sleep.YES charlotte.xxxxxxx
.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
And I will never accept there's nothing after death.
Why is my tv playing music from Amelie? Makes me even more happy. I like conversations that are a bit out of my league of understanding.
xxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxx
Book
I write too much don't care lalala
ok today i missed a train by a minute, so i walked around waterloo station for a while, got a huuuuge coffee, nicest one ever, and continued walking in small circles and laughing when i realised people noticed. The the train was ready so i got on. Had a missed call so called them back, managed to get out of something i really didnt want to do. Then got a call back from the person saying they were giving up. Such a relief. Just because you write a song doesnt mean the hatred for you will ever go away.
Then these "pikeys" got on the train, sat right next to me while i was on the phone so i huddled all my stuff together. They had weird accents. They kept looking at me. When i got off the phone the one next to me says "oi miss does this train go brockwood?" I said i wasnt sure and we looked at the display "yes, it does."
In the end (i write too much) we all ended up talking, (mainly because one of them made a comment about girls and aimed it at me and i laughed at him-the he said, "why are you laughing at me and etc) there was about 7 of them from "donny" "wheres that?" "doncaster you crazy bitch" They were about 17 apparently "o i thought you were all 14" and joining the army. They were really alright, it was nice to be surprised, they sounded like thugs but hated the whole pikey attitude. We all laughed a bit, talked, didnt find out each others names and then they said bye as they got off the train.
Alright day at uni i guess, back on the train...got to London Bridge where before a guy walked down and said his monologue for money... i was behind him and no one looked up when he talked, i wish i had had food to give him. I felt annoyed because i wasnt going to give him money, he was shaking so bad and i didnt want him to buy drugs if thats what he was on. But then as he was about to walk off sooo many people gave him money. I actually felt happy, these hard suits smiling at him only when he made eye contact. So i got off at LB and so did he and i stared at him til i couldnt see him. Then i ran for a train to Hither Green and NO ONE would move down the carriage and there was one man, soo funny who had a huge box on wheels and i cant remember the word he used but he was trying to get on a really crowded part and shouted out "is there any room for a little one and his little *insert what ever it was here*" It was the first time i heard alot of people laugh on a platform at one moment, it was really nice. But then i decided to be bitter and i looked at one man down the train who wouldnt move down, so i stared at him from the raining platform til he looked up and then i smiled, he took out his ear phones and smiled and looked as if he was about to say something, and i mouthed "next time dont be a selfish dick" and smiled.
good day i guess.
ok today i missed a train by a minute, so i walked around waterloo station for a while, got a huuuuge coffee, nicest one ever, and continued walking in small circles and laughing when i realised people noticed. The the train was ready so i got on. Had a missed call so called them back, managed to get out of something i really didnt want to do. Then got a call back from the person saying they were giving up. Such a relief. Just because you write a song doesnt mean the hatred for you will ever go away.
Then these "pikeys" got on the train, sat right next to me while i was on the phone so i huddled all my stuff together. They had weird accents. They kept looking at me. When i got off the phone the one next to me says "oi miss does this train go brockwood?" I said i wasnt sure and we looked at the display "yes, it does."
In the end (i write too much) we all ended up talking, (mainly because one of them made a comment about girls and aimed it at me and i laughed at him-the he said, "why are you laughing at me and etc) there was about 7 of them from "donny" "wheres that?" "doncaster you crazy bitch" They were about 17 apparently "o i thought you were all 14" and joining the army. They were really alright, it was nice to be surprised, they sounded like thugs but hated the whole pikey attitude. We all laughed a bit, talked, didnt find out each others names and then they said bye as they got off the train.
Alright day at uni i guess, back on the train...got to London Bridge where before a guy walked down and said his monologue for money... i was behind him and no one looked up when he talked, i wish i had had food to give him. I felt annoyed because i wasnt going to give him money, he was shaking so bad and i didnt want him to buy drugs if thats what he was on. But then as he was about to walk off sooo many people gave him money. I actually felt happy, these hard suits smiling at him only when he made eye contact. So i got off at LB and so did he and i stared at him til i couldnt see him. Then i ran for a train to Hither Green and NO ONE would move down the carriage and there was one man, soo funny who had a huge box on wheels and i cant remember the word he used but he was trying to get on a really crowded part and shouted out "is there any room for a little one and his little *insert what ever it was here*" It was the first time i heard alot of people laugh on a platform at one moment, it was really nice. But then i decided to be bitter and i looked at one man down the train who wouldnt move down, so i stared at him from the raining platform til he looked up and then i smiled, he took out his ear phones and smiled and looked as if he was about to say something, and i mouthed "next time dont be a selfish dick" and smiled.
good day i guess.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The race.
So I'm sitting by a Mac at uni, have to wait around for abooout 5 hours and it's one of those rainy days that makes my head and stomach hurt because its so DAMP and grey...so i thought i might write up what's been (kind of) in my head the past week.
Ok Thursday today, but I'll start Tuesday (i would start with Monday but i think i had a day off and i can't remember anything.)
Tuesday morning i woke up. My mother told me the Candanian Fam were coming over later that night so i had to make sure there was a bed for them, did that then got ready and left for uni.
Uneventful walk but good music, got a train to waterloo east, then walked through the mad rush of people to se when my train was and bought some doughnuts.
Got on an hour long train to Farnham, where this gets even more boring, i listened to music, doodled softcore stuff then gave up and stared at the legs of the person opposite me.
Then he left, so i moved to a place next to his vacant seat because the sun was shining on it. Then another dude two seats away stared at me between the gaps of the chairs. So i kinda questioningly looked at him in a 'are you going to say something to me? Or are you just gonna keep staring?" And he stared. So i first ate my doughnut really slowly while looking at him, then got embarrassed and lay across the seats and pretended to sleep.
and waited...
THEN this punk came on, number 1 brown army haircut, brown t-shirt ordering the reader to "make me a cuppa-I'm lazy and going to bed" which i liked, and listening to music. He also looked at me so i thought "what the hell is on my face?"and then left it. BUT every so often he'd look again (he was to my opposite right, no visual barriers, we could see everything the other person was doing)
Well, the train got to my stop so i stood up first and stood there for about 2 minutes waiting. Then the doors opened and i just walked off. Then the punk suddenly strolled past me. (I say strolled because that's what he was attempting to do but he was trying to look cool while obviously power-walking) So i just shrugged my shoulders and put Body Movin' (beastie boy original then Fatboy slim remix) on repeat.
At the stairs i overtook him but didn't really notice. Then as we were leaving the station the punk ran past me and then slowed down so he was walking DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME.
Well, i was shocked and i thought, if its a game this punk wants, its a game he's already lost.
I speeded up and as i overtook him (my short legs going into overdrive) i turned my head away to the left so he couldn't see me smiling my smug face off. And then i slowed down, because as far as i was concerned the game was done. THEN, yes, THEN, all of a sudden from a side road the PUNK appeared and was walking in front of me. Now i got mad because i thought; he either knows a shortcut or he sprinted down some road just to beat me. So we continued walking fast, but i couldn't catch up...Until...
The Traffic Lights
O how i love those traffic lights, and o how i will always love you the most you beautiful red one. Yeah, i caught up as he was waiting. We crossed one pair, then waited in the middle for the next. I won't lie, the game was still on and i looked at him out of the corner of my eye (I'm sure the punk did too) Then i got my advantage, while he was looking at the beautiful red light, i saw that after this next car, there was a huge gap long enough for my short legs to waddle me over to the next side-so waddle waddle i went.
I kept on going til i could see his reflection behind me in shop windows. Then he did his unsneaky jog again and went in front. By this time Boomin Granny by the beasties were playing and i smiled as i thought of a book i made for ariege based on this song.
THEN Bossy came on, AND i noticed his hands in his back pocket. ALL the fingers were hidden except his middle finger! He was giving me the finger! I wasn't going to back down. Basically to cut it shorter than it can be, we were neck and neck, some points right next to each other walking-people might have thought we were friends who powerwalked together with bags on busy roads.
In the end there was no real winner, he crossed the road and we walked parallel along different sides of the road until he went up some big hill.
It was fun though, made me laugh after realising, what if he was just staring on the train because i was in bright red and kept laughing at my music? What if there was no race, he was just in a rush? What if his pockets weren't big enough for his fingers to all fit so he was keeping the others warm???
I'll never know, nor do i want to.
O and then i had uni, got home woke up my brother at about 10 and pretended it was morning and he had school and a happy birthday, and the Canadians never turned up. MSN was softcore as expected.
xxxxx
Ok Thursday today, but I'll start Tuesday (i would start with Monday but i think i had a day off and i can't remember anything.)
Tuesday morning i woke up. My mother told me the Candanian Fam were coming over later that night so i had to make sure there was a bed for them, did that then got ready and left for uni.
Uneventful walk but good music, got a train to waterloo east, then walked through the mad rush of people to se when my train was and bought some doughnuts.
Got on an hour long train to Farnham, where this gets even more boring, i listened to music, doodled softcore stuff then gave up and stared at the legs of the person opposite me.
Then he left, so i moved to a place next to his vacant seat because the sun was shining on it. Then another dude two seats away stared at me between the gaps of the chairs. So i kinda questioningly looked at him in a 'are you going to say something to me? Or are you just gonna keep staring?" And he stared. So i first ate my doughnut really slowly while looking at him, then got embarrassed and lay across the seats and pretended to sleep.
and waited...
THEN this punk came on, number 1 brown army haircut, brown t-shirt ordering the reader to "make me a cuppa-I'm lazy and going to bed" which i liked, and listening to music. He also looked at me so i thought "what the hell is on my face?"and then left it. BUT every so often he'd look again (he was to my opposite right, no visual barriers, we could see everything the other person was doing)
Well, the train got to my stop so i stood up first and stood there for about 2 minutes waiting. Then the doors opened and i just walked off. Then the punk suddenly strolled past me. (I say strolled because that's what he was attempting to do but he was trying to look cool while obviously power-walking) So i just shrugged my shoulders and put Body Movin' (beastie boy original then Fatboy slim remix) on repeat.
At the stairs i overtook him but didn't really notice. Then as we were leaving the station the punk ran past me and then slowed down so he was walking DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME.
Well, i was shocked and i thought, if its a game this punk wants, its a game he's already lost.
I speeded up and as i overtook him (my short legs going into overdrive) i turned my head away to the left so he couldn't see me smiling my smug face off. And then i slowed down, because as far as i was concerned the game was done. THEN, yes, THEN, all of a sudden from a side road the PUNK appeared and was walking in front of me. Now i got mad because i thought; he either knows a shortcut or he sprinted down some road just to beat me. So we continued walking fast, but i couldn't catch up...Until...
The Traffic Lights
O how i love those traffic lights, and o how i will always love you the most you beautiful red one. Yeah, i caught up as he was waiting. We crossed one pair, then waited in the middle for the next. I won't lie, the game was still on and i looked at him out of the corner of my eye (I'm sure the punk did too) Then i got my advantage, while he was looking at the beautiful red light, i saw that after this next car, there was a huge gap long enough for my short legs to waddle me over to the next side-so waddle waddle i went.
I kept on going til i could see his reflection behind me in shop windows. Then he did his unsneaky jog again and went in front. By this time Boomin Granny by the beasties were playing and i smiled as i thought of a book i made for ariege based on this song.
THEN Bossy came on, AND i noticed his hands in his back pocket. ALL the fingers were hidden except his middle finger! He was giving me the finger! I wasn't going to back down. Basically to cut it shorter than it can be, we were neck and neck, some points right next to each other walking-people might have thought we were friends who powerwalked together with bags on busy roads.
In the end there was no real winner, he crossed the road and we walked parallel along different sides of the road until he went up some big hill.
It was fun though, made me laugh after realising, what if he was just staring on the train because i was in bright red and kept laughing at my music? What if there was no race, he was just in a rush? What if his pockets weren't big enough for his fingers to all fit so he was keeping the others warm???
I'll never know, nor do i want to.
O and then i had uni, got home woke up my brother at about 10 and pretended it was morning and he had school and a happy birthday, and the Canadians never turned up. MSN was softcore as expected.
xxxxx
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