Need something better than running away...

I still keep gettting emails from the Australian visa board thang about moving there one day. Think that's safe to say it's not in any of my plans anymore.

I guess India for 2 weeks won't be bad as I thought, I'll be missing loads of uni work but I guess a break from people in general (yes, there will also be people in India, but I don't have to interact with them) will be beneficial.

I started a 'thing' with a few of the girls in my course today. The two I live with aren't worth mentioning but I guess I have/want to. There's another girl, from london who does the stupid feign stupidity thing. And for some reason everyone on my course is completely stuck up and 'can't abide the stupid ones' though they aint no einsteins themselves. Everytime this one girl says something everyone will groan or laugh, even when she makes a valid comment.

Today was over the top, she didn't say anything and people treated her like crap. For a year I've been defending her, while the two girls I live with say, "yeah but it's funny to laugh at her, shes an idiot."
Today, one of them turns to me and half the class and puts on this virgin mary act 'iy fink it's sooo unfarre how evrywon treets 'er lyk thadt' then spewed out some other crap. I probably shouldn't have to save myself the energy, but rolling my eyes I turned round to her and basically told her she was a hypocritical idiot and to just stop talking now.

This 'erruption' meant everyone came up to me and apoligised (wts?) Then they all got on to the 'politics' behind our journalism year. I just sat in the corner and ate some crap that was lying round the bottom of my bag.

I'd like to run away really...

things i want to do before i die

Ride a bike
Go fishing
Go to thailand (probably the most realistic so far)
Eat lobster
Have one of those fights with someone other than a sibling where you punch them (or get punched) right in the eye and it's dramatic and you fall backwards
Find a cure for not getting old...but not necessarily living forever.


none of those bungee jump, stuff 50 grapes in my mouth things carpe diem crap. Even though the grapes wouldn't really come under carpe diem, i just would like some grapes now. Preferably 50, in my mouth, at the same time.

That's all, I'm freaking hungry and watching my money situation. I've got a job, in a fish place, Im a hostess, it's alright I don't touch food don't serve customers, just smile.
Oh man, it's hell.

Electrify

I probably shouldnt really say on this that Im home.
O well too late to do anything about it and not sure why.
I miss a lot of things

Homecoming

The spiders haven't been as bad since I've ranted about them. I did kill one today though. Took a piece of paper and taped it to another piece then attached that to a leaflet then attached that to a book and then squashed it. It was tiny, but it was one of those ones you know doesn't give up the fight very easily, so I had to hold it down for a while. Im sure it made a noise.
So anyway, came home today. Spent half the day faffing around, waiting for a package. The notice told me they'd redeliver it, but also said it had been dropped off at "squiggle." A lot of things made me angry yesterday including that, which meant I had two friends round and we all talked a lot and now I have no voice, and it hurts.
Oh and Im meant to be at Fabric now, people suck. You all suck. Especially the Olaves, they were meant to come with me.
Anyway so yes package. Everyone left the house. My flatmates had this weird argument for people who aren't lesbians and as I walked upstairs I saw their pictures in frames smashed around the house. Odd.
Because I didnt know where and when the stupid package would be coming, I couldnt have a shower, so I tried cleaning my room. This resulted in just killing that one spider and looking for more. I found 2 and they were too big to go close to. I then put on music and drew and stuck my ramblings all over the walls.
Then I danced.
Then some guy came knocking and it was my package. A big hefty mother politics book too. I pretended to leaf through it just for the pleasure of my reflection.
Man, Im bored.
Anyway so hours and hours of jumping and exercing round my room later I was powerwalking through Farnham with wildly curly hair trying to catch a train. I missed the train. Then I got on another one and like a geek took my laptop out and started writing a story out for homework.(that im quite proud of for the first time) Got to Brookwood and the army boys came on. Hilarious. One of them does a perfect George Bush impression. No offense to army doolahs but these two were quite intelligent too.
I (and everyone else) listened to their conversations for the whole hour. The whole time I was biting on my lip so I wouldnt talk to them and ask them if I could write about them/record them/use them for something/take their address so they could write me interesting army stories.
It was a shame. Thats about it. I got home and my brother had collapsed on our sofa, so i half hugged him then talked to him about careers and law and presents and crap. Then we bonded and watched spooks and laughed and let them have cake.
I want to watch old school, i think it started 10 minutes ago, shee ya
oh yeah i went to bromley and it was fine a bit weird but really good then i got on a bus and a guy threw up and nearly got it on me. I tried so hard not to breathe it in. Then some chavs got on and i advised them not to go in the back and they were well nice
i missed chavs actually

I wonder what they think about before they die

I'm in the library and theres a dude on a bike outside looking up at me and staring, I'm terrified.
This is the most bored and scared of spiders I've been in long time. For a while, the situation with the spiders was good, they just stopped hanging out in the corners of my room, or making spider webs above my bed, or haunting my dreams.

Yesterday this big fat dorky one just sat in the corner 'til I got my house mate to move it, I'm tempted to ask to swap rooms with him, even though mine is massive and his is small but I don't think he'd want to.

This morning, in a dreamlike state I walked to my kitchen to make my stomach shut its grumblings. On the way there I looked up, woke up in a flash and screamed while jumping back. Its a shame the house was empty. I then ran forward, as my hunger beats the fear and anger I have towards these beasts. I'd happily wipe them out holocaust style if that were possible.
Running forward (or skipping) I looked up to see the long dopey pratt fall on me, where I then fell in a mess of fear and shook frantically, sobbing my way into the kitchen. Annoyed and feeling like a prisoner in my own disgusting garbage infested home, I had a shower so hot, if a spider even thought about looking at me it would burn.
I then sat at my computer and thought, "what the hell do I do now?" I'm too angry to pretend to do work, so I looked through all my music til I found two bands I hoped spiders would hate (senses fail and socratic) and blasted my speakers then ran out the house slamming the door.

I found a spider crawling up my arm during my walk, the death was both sad and fulfilling.

Now all I can think about is food again, but I know as soon as I walk into that house another spider will pop up and I'll probably scream at it. I'm seriously considering hypnosis so that I can live as a normal person.
On Tuesday night I went to bed really early. I woke up two hours later by the sounds of the girls upstairs having a big spider falling on them and it running out the door. Disturbed, I started to read until i saw (probably another) big spider crawl in between the cracks of my door and settle in the corner. For the whole night I thought I was going insane. I'd look up at the thing and feel such anger for it. I left the lights on and stayed awake the whole night, only leaving my bed to go look up at it from a distance and mutter under my breath how much I hated it.
There was a reason for my madness (or so I thought at the time) Every spider that has entered my room has ended up spinning its web above my head. My friends told me its because they like dark damp corners. So by leaving the lights on, I was making it not move any closer. Also, the past few nights before I kept having over the top nightmares about massive spiders speeding for my face while I was lying down. I'd then spend the rest of the night huddled under my duvet in fear thinking that a smudge on the wall was the spider and not realising til late the next morning it was all a dream.
So on this horrible Tuesday night, I spent every few minutes looking at my phone, imagining crazy thoughts, thinking a few normal thoughts, composing stories and reading my book.
One of the stories I made up in my head was about a boy and his red guitar and he sat in a room and slowly went insane. That story angered me so much I threw my book at the spider. It moved slightly from the little bit of wind the passing book created. I then ran over and picked up Memoirs of a Geisha, verbally apologising to it out loud as, "books have souls, unlike spiders."
When it came to 8am, I made Niall kill it.
Anyway better stop, otherwise the crazies will think I'm crazy.

Odd

Today's the end of my first week back in Farnham. Not that I'm being moany for no reason, but it's been severely traumatic and horrible.
I can't get into many details, butthe amount of petty stressing and bitching and everything else that has gone on this week has felt like a weight on my mind. Two nights I've had to walk back from the student union carrying a crying girl to her house. Every night (minus 2 or 3 i think) have involved hysterical crying and surprising revelations and other stuff which makes my head spin and I want to scream and tell everyone to leave me alone.
Also Ive been having those night terrors again. Which makes the situations worse as a girl with less sleep who is sick of bitching is extremely bitchy.
My new hobbies are pacing round my bare room(my landlady threw away some of my possesions includong my totally rare, totally loved, irreplacable posters) hoovering spiders, screaming out in the middle of the night and acting like a mther to my housemates who think foil belongs in the sink...and leave the taps running.
all in all a shambles
all in all i cant wait to get out of this place

Anielia and James

"There's this half white, half Thai guy, who pretends to be black. He went to Barbados on holiday and came back with a Jamaican accent."

"Do you wantto be a fisherman?"
"YES I DO!"
"Can you hear me now?" (Malibu adverts)

While in Canada, on the phone to Anielia, she suddenly grew silent and then would let out a few squeaks, I asked her and she replied "well, James is just sitting in the corner of the room, throwing cushions at me."

The three of us were lying in our parents bed today (not weird) The whole time was spent with me trying to get attention to tell them funny stories, while James kicked the crap out of Anielia and Anielia squeaked and fell away.

My dad accused James of having a foot fetish and he got offended.

My mum has hair like the woen in the hair adverts that shines and flicks at every move. When I told her, she turned her nose up at me and replied, "Of course I have."

Songs I like, cos I have nothing of worth to say.

Poison the Well-Slow Good Morning
There are bodies strewn all over my bedroom floor,
I don't know how they got there but I'm sure,
it's the fuckers in their ships.

Taunting everyone who walks by as they sail through my front lawn
Through my bedroom window, not a window at all
but a hole that peasant left with his cannonball fun

They look so pretty
Pretty weak to have let it go on this long.

There are still bodies thrown on my bedroom floor,
I don't know how they got there but I have a plan now

Sir they say we aren't really here
so don't just try to punish us,
you are the one who has lost his mind.

We didn't bring the bodies, we didn't throw them on your floor
We didn't bring the bodies, we didn't throw them on your floor
You are the one who has lost his mind

They look so pretty.
Pretty weak to have let it go on this long.
Sir they say we aren't really here
so don't just try to punish us,
you are the one who has lost his mind.

We didn't bring the bodies, we didn't throw them on your floor
You are the one who has lost his mind

They look so pretty
pretty weak to have let it go on this long

Bats for Lashes-What's a girl to do

We walked arm in arm
But I didn't feel his touch
A desire I'd first tried to hide,
That tingling inside was gone
And when he asked me:
'do you still love me?'
I had to look away
I didn't want to tell him
That my heart grows colder with each day

When you love someone
But the thrill is gone
And your kisses at night
Are replaced with tears
And when your dreams are wrong
Then I ask you now, what's a girl to do?

He said he'd take me away
That we'd work things out
And I didn't want to tell him
But it was then I had to say
Over the times we've shared
It's all blackened out
And my bat lightning heart
Wants to fly away

When you love someone
But the thrill is gone
And your kisses at night
Are replaced with tears
And when your dreams are ?
Then I ask you now, what's a girl to do?

What's a girl to do?

Broken Social Scene-Anthems for a 17 year old girl

Used to be the one of the rotten ones
And I liked you for that
Now you're all gone, got your make-up on
And you're not coming back

Bleachin' your teeth, smiling flash
Talking trash, under my window

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me

Used to be the one of the rotten ones
And I liked you for that
Now you're all gone, got your make-up on
And you're not coming back

Matmos-Roses and Teeth for Ludwig Wittgenstein

"A new born child has no teeth."
"A goose has no teeth."
"A rose has no teeth."
This last at any rate—
one would like to say—
is obviously true!
It is even surer that a goose has none.
And yet it is none so clear.
For where should a rose's teeth have been?
The goose has none in its jaw.
And neither, of course, has it any in its wings;
but no one means that when he says it has no teeth.
Why, suppose one were to say:
the cow chews its food and then dungs the rose with it,
so the rose has teeth in the mouth of a beast.
This would not be absurd,
because one has no notion in advance where to look for teeth in a rose.
(Connexion with "pain in someone else's body".)

Sonic youth-sunday, suerthriller-any (check them out)
pixies -where is my mind Peaches-any

Leaving

Technically, tomorrow will be the day we leave for Canada. I can't sleep and I don't even want to try but I'm going to force myself. People keep telling me that I'm kinda ill recently because of nerves, but I don't get nerves. I'm excited though, so excited I'm terrified something's going to go wrong and we won't be able to go and I feel like throwing up.
I also feel very strange, like my mind's telling me to do or say something and I know what it is but I can't bring myself to do it, but let's just say I don't know what it is.
I keep rubbing my forehead, like that's going to help anything. I tried doing sudoku and something like that, that I usually find quite easy and distracting to do just isn't working. I'm frustrated actually, I'm going to finish it before I go to bed and if I don't, on the plane.
I never get homesick (edit, anymore, leaving Trinidad was quite intense for me) and though I never admit stuff like this I will definitely miss my parents. We fight, and I've never missed them before, but I'm starting to appreciate them more than I ever have before. Also my dad's in Trinidad on business and flights are being crap and he was meant to come back on sunday, and then tomorrow, but now he doesn't know...bah.
If my sister goes back to Trinidad before I come back, I know I'll really hate that, but it serves me right for not taking advantage of her being here. James goes without saying, I'll probably go insane unless I call him at least once, just to hear him call me rat face and then probably hang up on me.
Anyway, enough of this, I'm happy, though I feel very confused, more than ever, about nothing that's even confusing. But I've been thinking so much that it's given me this headache and that's the conclusion I've gotten to.
I guess I could use this time to actually pack properly, but don't want to wake up my very full house.
It's been a good few days/month/year.

This room's starting to scare me, going to run upstairs as quietly as I can.

Cannot wait to go swimming.

Friday 13th again

So it's half 4 and I probably should go to bed, because it's been a hard day, but this is too good not to write up.
Friday 13th, woke up in pain and anguish, my stomach muscles were tensing the night before like crazy and when I brushed my teeth I kept hitting the back of my throat (making me gag a little-yum) tensing my stomach muscles even more and making me want to die. The pain was also enhanced by the fact that the day before I didn't eat much/at all really because I felt anything I ate would just be slowly forced back up-chewed- from my stomach up my throat and into my mouth.
For the whole day I tried to find food that didn't make me feel ill from the thought of it and settled for hot drinks instead. I took a nice walk in the park, where some almost pikeys said, "Dzo you know how long you've been on the swings for?" I stared at them, forced myself to not come out with something bitchy and ambled off to a roundabout. (The thing is she didn't even ask in a rude way, it was almost like she was saying "There is a time limit for the swings and I think yours is nearly up-a friendly reminder from the beavers wood girls")
Anyway, forced my self to eat pasta a few hours later and tried to sleep before and after.
Before I ate, I had the tv on while i was lying down and something happened which wasn't funny but I laughed. The laugh turned into a cough of intense pain, and as I lay there curled into a ball of anguish I thought of how funny it would be if my sister came in and saw me clutching my fat and choking which sent me into another fit of very painful laughter.
We went to Fabric.
Most of the time...sorry all of the time was spent waiting. I surprisingly enjoyed it. Kano played. The one song I LOVED, he butchered and then cut it off after 10 seconds.
French people were overly friendly and had no idea what personal space was, thankfully they kept far enough away from me, one seemed to like Jack a lot though. One dude danced amazingly well after Kano's set, ariege and I clapped for him.
I bumped into an old (olaves) school friend, which was nice, even better that we used to despise each other and insult each other on sight, but now we're like Y.
FINALLY my other friends came in. Fabric was doing some silly "one out and one in thing" which meant they were waiting in the queue for about 3 hours. That was nice, I spent most of the time I was around them being distracted by them jumping around and reminiscing a bit.
Ooh, I just found blood on my shoulder.
By the time they got there (3?) we decided it was too late to try and make a go of having fun, as my friends bounced happily off into the throng of clubbers, but ariege wanted to see some dude's set so we went to listen. I nearly punched some guy (not really father) who got on my nerves and stroked my hair.
Then we left.

The night bus was torture at first, I just wanted to sleep but the guy next to me was way too interesting and I was trying to read the stamp on his hand. Ariege sat next to me after he left and we listened to some guy speaking crap spanish and then finding the whole population of spain on the bus and talking over excitedly to all of them.
Then he left and some numbnut decided to amplify his voice more. I was slightly hysterical
"Oh man, oh you div! Tell me the hoouse number! what? Boy im gonna hurt you so bad" balalalala. This girl from the year below me at newstead was on the bus and he started chatting her up, "Does anyone have a pen?" That was her first mistake, never show kindness to twats on the bus.
A little while later I heard her say, "No, and can you just speak a little quieter?"
"WHAT? i JUST ASKED FOR YOUR PEN AND I WANT YOUR NUMBER!" She refused to take her pen back.
After hearing him scream down the phone for the longest time (at times I had to bite my lip to not laugh) he got off the bus, ariege and I clapped as he walked down the stairs. Then he decided to snort some drug, have a fight with the bus driver and then trip off the bus as it was zooming away and try to chase it. I won't say what ariege said, so you won't think she's harsh, but I proudly said, "He should be castrated." Which she thought was a step too far.
The bus journey was fine after that, for one stop.
Some guy walks over to the steps leading down. The bus stops and he starts to walk down, I heard him miss a few steps, slide down the rest and then the loudest CRACK.
I think I just started hugging myself, ariege looked at me in shock. A pikey got up, looked over the side and told us there was blood everywhere. I don't know what happened to the man, heard the bus driver tell him he was in no state to get off the bus, but he wasn't there when I got off.
We started talking to the newstead girl and ariege and I grew steadily more hysterical until we were boldly laughing out loud at the whole night and the sounds the man made as he nearly died. I nearly started crying as I laughed. We tried to stop ourselves, almost convincing ourselves that to laugh would be a harshly terrible thing to do, but even now as I remember him stepping down and the sounds, I still think it would be an amazing scene in some tv show. You had to hear it, if I don't stop laughing soon, I'll be up all night laughing and wake my sister.
In Bromley Tom Parsons came on, which was a nice surprise and some bullers wood girls but i cant be bothered to type out their names though it would have been a lot shorter than mostly all of this sentence.
Ariege got off, tom got off then the girls.
I got off the bus with my keys in my hands, ready to gouge out an eye if I was attacked, but alas, wasn't my luck today.
I'm not even tired anymore. I've gotta pack for Canada soon. I don't want to go to bed.
NYT

Im gonna do what I want.

"Do you wanna come?"
Last night my uncle invited me to go see his brother in law. I agreed. My sister also came along.
Mathew, visiting from Canada, Anielia, Thomas and I got on a train to London Bridge. We didn't even leave the station, just walked to a weird arch that came out of nowhere, "we're on the list, Thomas plus 1" got our hands stamped and started walking down a long tunnel in the dark. There were lights but it was very surreal and there was some techno beat sounding music coming from the far end of the....building/tunnel/whatever the hell it was.
We got to the end of the tunnel (which was all underneath London Bridge) where there was a dimly lit bar and then a stage with a guy singing.
The guy was pretty terrible, no one was dancing, but you had to give him points for trying. If there was more people I could imagine them getting into the music, but the singing was a bit too...alternative/ wacky.

We happened to be standing next to the worst dancers in the world, they really got on my nerves, so much that I got a headache and had to look away. Apart from that I was amazed, kept looking around with my mouth probably wide open and asking my uncle questions about the place and if they rented it out and if they ever had club nights. My mouth was probably watering too, it really was quite cool. And there was some type of ping pong music playing.

Then Superthriller came on, We guessed Kunja was totally naked on the drums(couldn't see bottom half) , the lead singer was in nursing sweats, keyboard dude was in a suit, percussionist was half naked and adorable and so enthusiastic and excited. Some other guy on keyboard was in a bright yellow smiling t-shirt but he never smiled only one not dancing. Then there were 3 backing dancers/singers who were TERRIBLE. But it was good. The messed up their song (the girls) and this really ugly woman just said in a really british accent "I'm gonna do what I want," and the others ad libbed from then on. The best part of their song was this petite woman sing/shouting "SUCK SUCK SUCK." I loved.

We left early, set was a bit late and long, but I really enjoyed it though, more than I thought I would.
We got on a train where a man wouldn't move his briefcase when I asked to sit down, so I had to squash next to my uncle, was tempted throughout the next few stops to look at him and say, "well I hope you and your briefcase are comfortable."
We made fun of my sister constantly and sang "Rice and peas and cook up some, wait-'til-me-mama-come," loudly through orpington station, got some hot pizza (while taunting anielia who was on the phone to her friend) got freaked out by a man staring at us in Dominoes and had a nice walk home in puddles and the dark.

That, along with setting off french bangers in the garden added up to a very good day.

U know Vertigo is also the theme tune at the Annual Pirate Convention.

'if it aint liquid, i dont like it, i think it sounds good but i only listen 2 liquid so i dont like it, im 2 cool 4 jump up, its too bait coz im soooo cool n not commercial at all coz i said b4 im really cool...'

Alright week, been full of worries for friends and myself, but the myself has cleared up...or come down (yes!) so no real worries...for me.

My sister is coming back to england after a year and a half away. My cousin is coming to England the same day after never stepping foot in England. I wish I had money so I could take him places and bedazzle him and take him on the London Eye and all that crap. I am estactic.

I have a friend who calls at the most inappropriate times. She also visits at really bad times too. Like this week, she turned up Thursday midnight. It was the 2nd day I spilt a hot beverage over my carpet, well I kicked it over and it hurt. "Why did you do that?" "You think that was on purpose!?" I dont know what time she left, all I know is that she must have had a horrible drive, its like an hour back to brighton.

"Why do you wear that ring on that finger?"
"It's the only one that fits"
"Yeah, but, people will think you're already married! What if a good bloke comes up and sees it and you miss out on a chance of a good relationship?"
"If only, Cath."

Just so some know, don't assume I am lying when I give a reason for not going out. If I don't want to see you, you all know I would happily just say "I dont want to go out/can't be bothered" rather than making up a lie.

Reminds me, there's this guy I used to be really really intensely mega good friends with, we were like that > Y. We stopped being friends because I made better friends and because he was mentally deranged.(you think thats a joke, right.)
I hung out with them less cos got a bf, and he somehow managed to get them (better friends) to trust him (finally) and all these wars were started and rumours of wars, and now they are like that > Y.
Me and the others aren't so close anymore but me and him are fairly civil, and he does not realise how obviously manipulative he is. "Oh I wouldn't even try talking to this person because you know how he feels about you, oh yeah he MAY smile at you and say hi, but deep down he wants to punch you in the face." This person is so insecure about losing each of us to each other again, that he wants to make sure we never talk. Every time we talk I laugh in his face, as he talks about the past and gets insulted when I laugh.
"It's a shame things turned out the way they did."
"Is it, though? I prefer things like this."
"You prefer being a loner when the girls are at uni?"
"...I guess."

That's it.
Oh, I saw an old/new friend. She said to me,
"So, you're like a woman now right?"
"In age, yeah."
"I find that thought horrible, it sickens me, don't let that sound patronising though."

"He's changed his name to DJ AintnootherJamishagonnasuckoffmynoseinthebibliotecquenot thediscotecquebaby...baby."

I want a hamster

It's amazing how angry some people can make you. And they know but they dont act shocked when you dont scream at them.
Apparently I'm not allowed privacy.
I will probably get a long talking to. But I am seriously bored of living like this.
If my phone isn't being taken and read, then some type of software is installed in our home where my dad can look through and read all my emails without even going onto my computer.
This year, I've actually done quite well at uni. Nothing is said about that though, now it's just "you never did any work at newstead balalala." What's that meant to teach me? Fine next year I shall fail, just to make you happy.
I hope you have enjoyed reading this.
Hi Anielia, my room is a mess.
Also Rocky Balboa is a terrible movie, only watch it if you want to laugh.
here is a pretty picture to warm your souls.

so...
oh crap

Today I saw,

...a man with a big head and lots of hair. But he had lots of hair for a person with a normal sized head. This guy had a massive head, and so all the hair on his head, just wasn't enough. I debated with myself, in the back of a blue car eating chinese food, whether he had too much hair or not enough hair.
On me, it would be too much hair, but on him, it was not nearly enough.
As I was thinking this, at the bus stop a man was holding his hands out and counting his fingers, he looked angry and was talking to himself. This made me jump a bit, but then I felt relived I was safe in a car. It was like this, stick your right arm straight out, make sure your palm is facing forward, but clenched into a fist. Then put up your index finger and look insanely angry, then add your middle finger and point and talk, then the others etc. Make sure you get and look more and more angry the more you count, then pace around and start over.
I met a girl/lady I met in France before. She has the most amazing laugh I've ever heard. I didn't tell her this though, I sat in the back and listened, laughing quietly. It sounds like a fat old woman trying to be sexy, but it's good.
Moles, exploring lots and lots of moles including my own (but not mostly).
Lots of cigarettes and smoke and rings and ash and hair products and water, all over the floor.
I blew through an ear plug, pierced on an earlobe today, it whistles.
I had a conversation about being spaced out, on a road I hate while drinking hot chocolate out of an unknown owners mug. We decided not to talk about it anymore, in case we couldn't stop talking about it and became mental.
We also talked about friendships getting in the way of other 'ships.' It's a topic people like to pretend isn't there, except for me. I'm the one ending it, people.
I saw Shrek 3 last night, it's good.
I am now bored.

Keanu, call me! Call me on my mobile.

Today was possibly the best day ever. I woke up feeling like crap-but happy that i slept.
My uncle told me how to make a drink that would help my cold, and after grating up half a 'thing' of ginger, boiling it, adding honey and lemon and then swigging it, I screamed "bleugh" to an empty house, but with a noticeably clearer voice and nose.
I tried to drink more, but it was torture to my throat (am very grateful I cannot taste)

I then travelled back to university, for some reason, where my phone didnt stop ringing, and of course, went unanswered.I then felt bad and called some girls back and then spent the next half hour trying to remember where I was and feeling dazed.

We went to see AN AMAZING house, where I rummaged through their kitchen, ate yogurt as we were being shown around, and took pictures of the massive amounts of tea they had. Seriously it was unreal, only 4 girls in the house and boxes upon boxes of different brands and flavours and types.

We sat at the side of the road while everyone except me discussed stuff . I got bored and lay in the road and ate more. We got the house, and I have a massive room downstairs that is RAD. It could fit about 3 beds in there, and it's mine, alllllll mine.
blah went back to orpington, where for the whole journey from waterloo east to orp, i stood at a door with my face pushed up against the glass. I didnt notice until people at 3 different stops were staring at me, and then the door opened.

The youth/teens were at le chapel in orp, so I walked past, saw my mum and screamed "mother" as best as I could in my croaky breaking voice. Too lazy to walk home alone, I lay on the grass outside reading and watching my mum play rounders with other girls, which was quite weird, and I felt a bit jealous, but it was funny.
Some boys came outside to talk to me, play with my hair and terrorise me and then got me to play dodge ball.

My mum and I went outside and played basketball outside for a while, whilst discussing my brothers fame (hilarious, people have been playing his songs on their phones and his friends have been asked if they know him, and all they do is point and people expect a tall blick guy with a knife (james taught me what blick means)) and the technics of girls.
James walked part of the way home with my mum and I, and then decided to get a bus. We all bet that he wouldn't get on, and as he went past in the bus a little while later, he called us losers from the top.

I was very talkative, though I've totally lost my voice and just talk in a croak now. At one point was telling my mum every little detail about an argument I had with a bus driver and how anger mademe face the passengers and make a fool of myself and him, when my foot went right through a drain. A car stopped and laughed. It killed and I think I twisted my ankle but I pretended everything was fine. Then at the side of the road, we noticed a menacing figure, who we later recognised as my brother, who walked down the rest of the road with us, calling me a gay rat, my mum a 14 yr old and spitting. Constantly spitting. I told stories of back in the day when James and I used to spend every minute together and how we played with spit,
(like the time we played "spit" and he started feeling sick, and went downstairs and i hung over the balcony and said his name, and when he looked up I spat right in his eye and he cried so hard, and I nearly threw up from how obviously funny it is/was. ahhhhaha)
My mum told us about birthday cakes and James interrupeted everything we said to insult us, so at the end we were all laughing.

The best part was lying on the grass by myself. Havent felt that relaxed for a while. Though it was slowly getting wetter and wetter and I was being eaten by bugs. But it was still good. A woman who I thought hated me was even overly nice to me.
And then Carol came, my oldest friend, and lay on my lap while I stroked her hair.
mmmmm delish


P.S. there was a time when anielia james and i were all fighting. I have no idea why, but we were either all against each other or they were both against me. Anyway I kicked James pretty hard in the nuts, upstairs in le landing, he cried, clutched at it, and then jumped down every individual step, giving a little scream on every step he reached and sobs inbetween. My sister and I went from angry, to shocked, to questioning, to dying with laughter.
When James reached the bottom, he gave one last little cry, and then flung himself off the last step, and somehow landed on his side, still clutching at himself and slid towards the front door.
The image kills me.

When the fight was over, nothing was solved. But nothing mattered.

Motion City Soundtrack-When You're Around

Ive signed up to The Raelian Movement. Mostly so I could download the free PDF's and read their stuff.
http://www.rael.net/rael_content/index.php

I dont even know how I found it. I think I was looking at stuff to do with Peaches and stumbled on it. It seems weird, but I guess plenty of people believe in this stuff so might as well find out about it.

I had a really good day today, but it all seems weird. I've worked out that more or less, its been over 30 something hours since I've last napped or slept.
It's affecting my moods. Right now, I feel pissed off, sad and something else. (I dont know what.) I can't even yawn. I feel more silent than usual.

This girl Sophia I've met recently, keeps calling me. Over and over again each day. She's fun and interesting-but it just makes me nervous that the first impression she got of me was a good one, when all I was doing was screaming down the road in our student village. She doesnt even go to our uni.
Anyway so I went out with her last night. I've felt like utter crap the last few days and thought I was going to be ill yesterday day. I cancelled but then decided to go again.
We had a really good time though, and because of her job ended up talking to a lot of people. Was mostly fun but it was terrifying when some guy asked me for my number and wouldnt let me go. I then said
"I dont have a number" even though my phone was sticking out a pocket. So he asked for an address. I was terrified and he looked insane but for some reason I was really rude and then walked off.
Sophia gave me free red bull and coke all night and we ended up going more places. She dropped me home when she saw me shaking. Good sign.
So I went back to my accomodation where my housemates were eating my food. In front of them I emptied my cupboard of their crap and put it in the sink.
(This morning they put it all back, so i threw away all their beer and scrunched up their bread-they even ate all my cheese, i hadnt even opened it, and I might not have ever, but still-thieves.) The small revenge made me feel reeeaaaaalll good, not pathetic at all.

Ah Im getting bored of this, anyway so on sunday night I was EXHAUSTED. I trekked back to my accomodation in a skanky cold bus and literally ran to my room. ALL NIGHT my neighbour was up gagging/hairballing and stomping round his room. i gave up trying to sleep and just read crap instead. At about 4am, I heard the girl who lives under me storm up our stairs and bang on his door,
"IAN, can you just shut up? What the hell are you doing? Its been four hours, theres no where to walk in your room why are you stamping blah blah blah"-I cant stand either of them, so I laughed, moderately loudly. All he said inbetween was "sowwy, sowwy."

So thats why Ive slept less than usual, this is boring, you are boring, your feet are boring.
AGH theres nothing to do, we dont even buy sleeping pills in this house.
Cant even stay on the computer cos the left side of my head is KILLING me.

good.

how 'bout up in the library on top of books, but you can't be too loud.

I am so bored. Also someone keeps ringalinging on my phone, but I guess it's not too annoying as I'm not tired or even ready for bed.
He rang me twice, earlier and I missed the calls (the guy who said we needed to talk) then i texted him saying "so...you called. what do you want to talk about?" I got no reply until I got a call at 1.30. So i answered and he hung up. Then he sent messages saying he needed to talk, but oh no, its fine now, it was a big deal but it isn't any more. The thing is, i know this is just an attention thing, but I cant find enough fakeness in me to pretend I care and text/call back.
I feel quite bitter today. But when I went out, out of choice it wasn't there at all.
I feel very bitter at one person in particular, who I know, knows. But instead of asking me about it, he'll either ignore it, or ask me questions that he knows infuriates me.
I still haven't applied for my student loan. Ive lost my art id number and I'm too proud to ask for help.
Also the house I was meant to move into next year has fallen through, my friend is still trying to save it, but essentially we are screwed, especially seeing as I need to move out by the beginning of June and have no idea how thats going to happen.
'Luckily' two girls I know who wanted to live with us have included us in their plans next year.

Today, I got on 3 buses. On all of them I felt angry. On the last one I took the little bus ticket and wrote a note to the next person that would sit there, letting them know how scared and disgusted I was at the person sitting in front of me.
2 strangers were nice today, which is 2 more than usual and at the times I needed it too. But ever since the day I went to Oxford street-I have felt intense anger for every look I get thats a little bit too long.
(In Oxford street I was walking along with friends, minding my own damn business, when some guy grabbed my shoulder and tried to lick my ear. It would have been hilarious if I hadnt felt so sick. He also made a horrible sound. I shouted at him and he smiled...as if it turned me on and I was considering being his girlfriend or something. Sophie 'hugged' my face(basically suffocated me) so I'd stop shouting and not go through with my threat of chasing him and kicking him in the balls.)
Sophie makes the noise he made every week, I havent told her, but every time she does it I almost gag.

alright, it's actually about 3 am, I'm still bored, but that is all.Honestly,
somehow, it always seems that ,
I'm dreaming, of something I can never be
It doesn't bother me,
'cause I will always be
the pimp that I see
in all of my fantasies.

also

How come i know so many people, that when youre nice and normal to them, suddenly they pretend something has happened and "oh i just cannot look at you anymore etc." So you try and find out what you've done wrong and maybe give up.

Then, THEN, when you start giving them bitchy comments and generally cant be bothered to look at them, theyre your best friend again.

i JUST dont get it.

Its happened 3 times this week, 1 girl and 2 guys.
One is an 'ex'

"what are you doing tonight?"
"probably picking the nail varnish off my toes, i dunno."

I used to love the colour orange too, what a shame

"Im sorry, no" "oh come on! you must fancy me, Im INDIAN"

I got a text saying, "we need to talk" last night.
Luckily the sister of the person who needed to talk to me never got a hint and I was never left alone. The two did walk me home from church though, and i spent the whole time in a constant unwanted hug with someone dressed in bright yellow while someone dressed in a bright orange suit listened to us behind.
I was also asked by someone today to go and talk to some dude who was just talking to old women.
"Ooohh, what? But he looks happy alone." then after loads of persuasion, "look, i really... i really dont like talking to people anymore, ok?" So the girl next to me was forced his way instead.
I've got a lot of unwanted disgust for people my age, the only people i chose to talk to were all above 28, except for one 16 yr old.
Now I'm recording my voice for some company, sounding like a retard trying to say,

Gastroenterology

I dont even know what it means, but after 2 minutes of practise and 6 botched recordings, "gas-trontalalalaargghhhh" I finally got it right.
6 more presentations to record from 13. At least this counts as good work experience for my radio journalism degree.
My last week of my first year is coming to an end, it is kind of sad, and I had a good room, but my friends are gonna be there next year and so is everything else. I just wish the next 2 years would kind of hurry up (apart from the good parts)

Ive just spent hours on postsecret, i cant answer my mobile, sorrryy

huh?

I don't even remember writing that last post.
I have 2500 words, a feature, a newspaper page, copy stories and a live interview to do for Friday and pass Shorthand by tomorrow.
I'm not too worried. We were only assigned the essay last wednesday-it's only 2500 words and we've probably all already passed the year anyway so I'm not sure why my friends are losing sleep and food over it.
Meanwhile my sleep is still there and then not there. Last night I got a call at half 3. Just happened to be wide awake, said hello and they hung up. My phone is rubbish, people say they try and call me, but when i look on my phone no missed calls and full reception, stupid.
I got the call just a moment ago then, I guess I expected it but was still a shock. Did appreciate it though (if they see this will probably hate me writing that.)

Back to uni tomorrow after quite a good, exhausting and then relaxing and fun week.
My last real week at uni basically and soo much work to do.
So instead, Ive been reading achewood, quite good-but in the end not enough to keep me stuck to my computer.
I had a horrible experience with an egg and albumin earlier today- if i talk about it, I'll be ill.
My uncle came home from Canada today, which has just added to my excitement of going in just over 2 months.


if u dnt mind me askin (only if u dnt).........

.........wot race r u?

nah course i dont mind

i'll tell u mine lol

is that an offensive question? pah
hmmm hmmm hmmm,
soo many plans, so little time.
wasting my time composing a rhyme.

I cant wait to move out of my accomodation, my landlord told me I can have any pet I want, but I feel a cat is a step too far, so Im getting a hamster, and maybe a fish, and anything else i can afford. Though the hamster will get more attention, and food.

Can fishes overdose on food? That would be a fun experiment.
Should probably pretend I'm going to get some sleep.
Oh yeah and an update, the girl that caused me so much rage-continued to be a bitch for ages. I decided to just leave it until she mentioned something to my friend. I then just said to her something about what went wrong, and last friday, who's there sucking my feet?
you knows it bitch

Just for Anielia

Imagine how funny an episode of our lives would be if it was centered around the 3 days of snowboarding we did in Canada.
We all started at the same time. Anielias boots were too tight, so it kind of made it hard for her to do anything. James and i were fine. James had started going backwards half an hour after we started and i was practising turns. Anielia was lying down in the middle of the slope giving out frustrated screams. James and I would pass each other on the slopes or the belt lift and pretended we didnt know the girl lying flat out on her back kicking her feet.
Near the end of the first day I boarded down to anielia and told her to just sit on her board and slide down. She stood up- and instead of putting her board horizontal to the slope- she threw it, literally threw it down vertically, where it started sliding out of control. Luckily, it slid into some trees near us, but i was up to my arms in snow trying to get it out (there was metres and metres of snow around those trees)
She did it again later, and this time her board went off our course, into a black lane and down the side of a cliff. Mathew James Anielia and I stared at it for a while, until a dude who worked there told us we had to climb down and get it ourselves. I swear Mathew nearly died 5 times.
The 2nd day was just as bad, we changed her boots and then the instructor told us at the end of the lesson that she couldnt do it because her board was too big. A screw fell off my shoe and I ended up twisting my ankle because he told me it would be fine.
The last day Mathew and I spent most of the time sitting on the slope talking and waiting for James, who would constantly ask us to wait for him and then zoom past us. We spent a lot of the time talking to people on the lifts "wellll dooone" falling off the ski lifts, or pitying our skiing instructor who spent all of the time helping Anielia, til she ran away.
Love you!(By the way...I found the pictures from the day you covered my face in hot wax and latex)

The demon riding the waves...

Glen invited me to camber sands.
Confusion over cars and who was going-we finally set off at around 2.30 from Mottingham. In the car I started panicking. Some of my random thoughts were:
"Is he gay?"
"What am i doing, I don't want to be here"
"I should be packing"
"My knee tickles"
"I want food"
"Bad bad smell" (we drove in some rank smelling area, and smelling it was such a shock i nearly gagged.)
"I wish I wasn't sitting in the middle"
"Why is the french guy sitting at such a weird angle"
"Please, please, please stop touching me"

I was still in my church clothes, while everyone else looked reasonably normal. Twas me, jenny g, christina, charlotte, seb, frederick, glen, kyall, jenelle (best name ever-just cos i had a best friend named that) and her sister stephanie. I straight away ran off to the sea, which from the sands at camber is a massive trek, charlotte and i were out of breath a quarter of the way there.
Seb and I stood in the water for a while until my whole right leg went numb from the cold and we decided to go back. Christina stepped on a crabs shell and Charlotte picked up another one, holding it, as if it was some sort of weapon.
As we were "walking" up-i decided to dance and skip around Charlotte and sung in her face at the top of my lungs, "I wanna be-the very best- that no one ever was... dun dun DUN DUN!"
I did the whole thing, got a few stares, some laughs, some looks of intense disgust, was all good.
Not much else happened,(that's a lie, I'm lazy and need to dry my hair and pack) i changed into someones shorts (that looked like boxers) to play games, but just watched them and rolled in the sand instead. We played touch football-where Charlotte pulled down my shorts and revealed my butt to the lucky ones who saw it down for a split second. I returned it to her for longer.
I cant remember why, but Glen picked me up at one point and ran to a dug out trench where he dropped me...on my head. All i remember was a loud sound and then i couldn't see. He fell in, shaking me, and all i could say was "Yeah, it really hurts, thud- my eyes are black-i was shaking." It's extremely painful right now. I remember why now, Jenny took a picture of us together, and i pulled the most disgusted face , directed at him and ruining a good picture.
Cant be bothered to talk about the rest, awkward car journey back, but a very good day at the beach. Ive been having a really good week actually, a really good life.

Old people scare me.
I'm not sure if I'm enjoying A Clockwork Orange.
I found my old thing of bubbles recently and have been making a mess of my room.
Damon Albarn makes a much better one eyed mascaraed man. (Except for when the original smacks the dude with his cane)
Alright, been watching it for a while, Clockwork is freakishly addictive.




I don't want to leave.
So don't. Stay here with me. We'll start a jazz band.

and listen to Death From Above...

So its whatever time it is and I'm making eggs. I'm so freaking hungry and going through that thing again where i cant sleep, just lie in bed. I cant even read because my light bulbs have all blown and I'm freaked out by certain things downstairs in my house (especially as my uncle isn't in the next room) so i cant sleep down here. South Park will keep me company I guess.
5/6ths of the outcasts were all together for the first time since September, on Tuesday, which was surprisingly...nice. We then went to oneils/walkabout and met up with Laura's ex and Chloe's current boyf, slightly awkward.
***
If another anonymous person calls my phone, I will answer just to scream at you. And then hang up. So if you're calling , don't hide your number (I'm avoiding calls from a certain lady friend and others)
***
Hmmm hooommm haaa, James has a fluorescent sword from Alton towers, i put batteries in it but it didn't work. This upset me greatly yesterday.
I fell asleep on the phone to Ariege on Monday night, this angered and saddened me. One minute we were having a conversation, i wasn't even tired, it felt like the next second i wake up, an hour later at 3ish, look down at my phone, see that i hadn't hung up and realised what Id done. I waited for about 3 hours before i woke her up to apologise. What a baaad friend.
Dirty Sanchez is crap, HATE IT. Need to change channel.
***
Chloe Sullivan is the most annoying journalist thing ive ever seen.
and release.
So so bored, but

Lloyds tomorrow, whoo hoo.
night

Choking on my water lung.

I have that song 'wouldnt get far' by the game and blah in my head. Spent the night/morning at Nereasha's then washed sarahs car at 3.30 am. Was a very fun filled night, with accidental bonding.
Vanessa is having her AS party tonight, a few of my friends have dropped out because they dont have lectures Friday (unlike me) and so are leaving me. Which means more awkward 'fun' for me. I am quite terrified but it will be an experience, a nove, accidental nose picking experience. With lace.

My housemates are slowly sickening me. My neighbour now knocks on my door so much, one day i will pretend i have no idea who he is and say "o may gawww! like, whats a comic book? Who's Captain America? Is he from America? He's totally hott." But then again, he'd probably like that, boys go for dumb girls, rytz? (twiddles hair)
shuddering, should sleep now-lectures tomorrow.
uhhhh

RRRAAAAGGEEEE

I am in a rage right now.

Im not going to do anything about it...

This is probably the first time I've felt remotely homesick.
I might get on a train now.

I drew a picture to get rid of my anger

Define:

O devil, devil!
If that the earth could teem with woman's tears,
Each drop she falls would prove a crocodile.
Out of my sight!

Crocodile tears is false or insincere weeping, a hypocritical display of emotions. The expression comes from an ancient anecdote that crocodiles weep in order to lure their prey, or that they cry for the victims they are eating. They are fake tears.

An alternate explanation for the expression's origin is that crocodile tears cannot be authentic because crocodiles cannot cry; they lack tear ducts. However, while crocodiles can and do generate tears, they do not weep or cry for remorse.

Replace 'tear' with 'smile'
et je suis un crocodile!

Cant remember why i hated that subject in A2.
got to go, sarah's on a mission to cheer me up
LATERZ

No need for an explanation

I've been pushing them away far too long. I love my blink babies.
Dammit
It's alright to tell me what you think about me
I won't try to argue or hold it against you
I know that you're leaving, you must have your reasons
The season is calling your pictures have fallen down

The steps that you retraced the sad look on my face
The timing and structure, did you hear, he fucked her, ( he did)
A day late, a buck short he's writing the report
On losing and failing when I move I'm flailing now

And it's happened once again, I'll turn to a 'friend'
Someone that understands, sees through the master plan
But everybody's gone and I've been here for too long
To face this on my own, well I guess this is growing up

And maybe I'll see you at a movie, sneak preview
You show up and walk by on the arm of that girl
And I'll smile and you'll wave
We'll pretend it's okay
The charade, it won't last
When she's gone, I won't come back

And it'll happen once again, you'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands, sees through the master plan
But everybody's gone, and you've been there for too long,
To face this on your own, well I guess this is growing up

Well, I guess this is growing up

Nuuuthing to lose (another great blink song) 'cos everything's gone.

As I was waiting for something last Friday, i was looking out across the street, and it was a really sunny day. And i thought about people i used to know and talk to. And i realised the worst people to make friends with, are those who have nothing to lose. Because yeah, they might be fun, but there's more to it than that.

A Medium Day.

Compared to other days i have been having recently, this has been a medium day.
My mother's day gift was wrapped in foil-she called it "innovative."
We went to church in Orpington, i was scared, was positive it was going to be a really bad day.
Throughout the first meeting, I saw a certain someone turn round and look at me with shock, i pretended i hadn't noticed, and for the first time i felt as if i didn't care.
My mum then told me that she was leaving early, and with out Ariege, Charlotte, Ellerie or Naomi there, i felt a bit lonesome but i agreed to stay.
It wasn't so bad. Someone was expectedly rude to me around 1, but o well, chocolate brownies cheered me up.
I tried to hustle my family out but they were socialising. So i went upstairs and talked to charlottes oldest sister, then someone else and someone else. Until i noticed CS waiting. After everyone had gone CS approaches me ( i actually backed away from nerves) and then apoligised for everything they had ever done. Came as a bit of a shock and i was happy, but not planning on being best friends again. But it helps a lot. This had the potential to be a very bad day.
We talked about things that had happened and other people...and at one point i felt like saying, well now you're saying all this, can you please go tell everyone else who is wrongly judging me? But i didnt. No point. If they chose his word over mine and still treat me the way they do, then i'll never care what they think.

It's so cold. Im going back to Uni tomorrow after 3 weeks. I'm glad the union is free. Im not too sure how im getting to Surrey with no money. And there's a super hero theme on tomorrow night. Fun i guess.
I would like to add a picture now:
(what shall i choose, hmm hmmm hmm... oooh!)





This was taken in Trinidad, was just an unusual scene, i wish my camera was better. I am definitely going back there one day for some sort of celebration/something.
That place is tres magnifique. I miss it bad.


Update- Hah, drama does follow me. I am so sick of this.

The Uncle.

My mother has a brother named Ian. In all of the years that i lived in Trinidad i had never met him. I visited Trinidad after we moved in '98. And again when i was in between year 11 and 12. That was the first time I met him.
I dont really know why it had taken this long for me to see him. When i saw him he was nothing like i had imagined. He didnt even look at me or my sister. We got in his car and drove to our house from wherever i was with my cousins. (Thinking back, im not sure why he picked us up-he was usually too busy or...)
Along the way i realised he was drunk, my aunt joked that she would be more worried if he wasn't drunk, because that's what he's used to.
My uncle started driving at 9. He's the 2nd oldest and at that age, the only living male in their family. I guess he made things easier for my mum and her sisters by being able to drive that young. He is also a mechanic. He is also always drunk.
The 2nd time i saw him was when we left. He came to our house to give us stuff. I was always around Alex when we were together so he started talking to me. For the whole trip, i had become so interested about him i hadnt stopped asking my aunts about every detail.
He kept looking at me and laughing, saying that he saw something of him in my eyes (which isnt a good thing, but it felt like it was at the time) I dont remember our conversation apart from that-except the feeling of being very happy I finally talked to him.

2007- Visiting Judy the 2nd time, we saw him outside her house (he lives with them) fixing a car. He looked at us, and i have no idea what he said.(O apart form calling my sister "whatless" that was hilarious though. "why did you bring whatless?" Sorry Anielia!)
We (My sis, mother and i) went inside to see the others. When he came inside he talked about alcohol for a while, was saying something about punch and punching (i know realise he meant puncheon rum) and then walked out.
A while later..."Hey, confederate." I had no idea who he was talking to, but my mum turned around and he called her outside to talk.
Then my cousin Jade came round. Another while later, my mother and Ian return and he says, "hmmm mana hmmm mana" (i have no idea what he said) pointed at Jade, muttered something about Satan and then walked out.
"Did you hear what he calls me?"
"no?"
"Satan"
No one found it as funny as i did, i just couldnt imagine why he'd call my stay out of trouble cousin satan. I then asked what he calls Alex:
"Asshole." I had to hide my laugh as Alex decided to notice i was in the room.
Blah blah blah, Ian came back in the room and i asked what my nickname was. Didnt have one. So i asked him what my name was. "You know me guuurl, im not good with names."
I pointed at my mum, "Do you know her name?" He swore at me and left the room.

After a nice evening with other members of my family on my mums side, we decided to get a taxi home. Judy came with us. The whole night i didnt feel comfortable with her sitting away from us or not being in the conversation. Sitting next to her was hard. I tried to imagine what she was thinking, and kept looking at her hands. I couldnt understand where Judy was. It just seemed like she had no emotion, apart from being scared or sad. (My sister had told me that she had smiled/laughed when i was messing around with my cousins before, but when i turned to look she just looked the same.)
When we arrived to her house, she got out the car without a word or a look at us. That was the last time i saw her. My sister and mum got out, but i couldnt. The taxi driver turned the car around. My uncle walked up to the car with my mum. He asked me why i didnt get out, and i faked a smile. When he saw i was crying, he opened the door and hugged me, and he called me a name (i just couldnt make it out, im so dissapointed)

In my last post, i said that i felt like i hated my cousins. This wasnt for nothing. My aunt has high blood pressure. She recieves free tablets to help control this, but it needs to be collected. I dont know how long it was, but her kids did not collect them. So she became ill just before we arrived. She was meant to spend a week in Tobago with us, our last week, but this had to be cancelled.
I couldnt understand why people who did nothing all day, could allow her to get ill, for no reason.

When i asked, my mum told me that she told Judy it was the last time she was seeing us this trip. I cant remember her reaction. I just felt sick at myself that i was selfish enough to not say goodbye.

My cousins, Adriel and Damian, were waiting for me when i got home to talk. Man, i miss them.


I miss Alex too.

The Aunt

In Trinidad, we stayed at a resort in Salybia, that was during the time i saw the turtle. When we came back, we went to see my mums side of the family. I had only seen three people from this side, and in England.
We went to Judy's house first, which in retrospect was the best idea.
I was so nervous, i felt sick in the car. I tried to ignore it by reading.
When we got there, my dad had to go park the car. My sister was ill. So it was just me, my mum and brother walking up the steps. My aunt looked at us through the windows and i felt even more sick. She stood at the tops of the stairs where my mum said hello and we went inside. At first, it didn't seem like she recognised me, she sat down and looked a bit afraid as my mum and James hugged her. Then my mum said "We bought Jordana this time." (Everyone except me had been back to Trinidad and seen her in the last four years)
My aunt had a stroke 2 years ago. I don't really understand what strokes do to you. The one other person i know who had one cant walk, but she still talks and understands the same. When this aunt had a stroke, i was in a really bad place, putting even more stress on my mum, who had to leave for Trinidad. I still don't understand what happened. All i know is that this aunt, Judy, couldn't walk and was in bed for a long time. At first she couldn't remember things, people, and then it came back. Apparently she cried a lot. But then she started walking and reading again. (We used to go to orpington library every week and take out the maximum amount of books the library would lend us.) But something about her is different or not there now.
My aunts later told me that she doesn't talk unless you say something or ask her a question. She doesn't ask questions.
So when my mum said, "We bought Jordana this time," my aunt looked really sad, and then like she didn't know how to say the words that she wanted to come out.
"But how come she looks so much like...like...," and she started tapping her wrist to try and think of the name. My mum and i just looked down, and i knew what she was going to say but didn't want to say. I think my mum said "young?" but i said "Sarah" and Judy looked up at me and said "yes," and looked like she was going to cry again.
I sat down and looked around.
This aunt lived with us for a year, a while after we first moved to england. She made things easier for me, in a way, she made friends with some of the mums in my year 2 class, and introduced me to someone who is now in jail. She met James and i from school and we'd always walk home, and we never argued, we just had really good conversations, about books and nothing.
So when i sat down, i thought about all of this, but i didn't want to cry.
I met one of her daughters i was never close to, and who i never thought much of. Then another.
I could hear water running and knew it was my other cousin. His name is Alex and he is 14 days younger than me. I was meant to be named Alex, but i was a girl and he wasn't. He used to be my best friend. And until i saw him, he still kind of was. I hadn't seen him for 4 years. I was so excited to see him, for nothing.
So I sat there, excited and nervous and not knowing what to do or what to think. I kept looking at my aunt and when she looked at me id smile nervously until she looked away.
Alex walked in, mumbled something, hugged my mum and sat down. Then he watched t.v. The last time i saw him, we cried and wrote each other letters constantly, about him coming to England and how much we missed each other. The whole visit, he acted like i wasn't there.
There isn't much more. I tried to talk to him. He has a tattoo on his forehand now, and i asked him about it. He looked at my brother when he replied. I tried to smile. I happened to see a picture of my family on their wall, and then near it a picture of her before the stroke, looking like her funny normal self. And i remembered her jokes, and how she was so big before but used to say she was sexy, and her voice.
I hugged everyone else except for him when we left. I wanted to hug him. As i hugged my aunt i whispered to her that i loved her and she started crying and said she loved me too, which was the most she said all night, along with what she said at the beginning.
I forced myself not to cry in front of her, but as soon as i walked down their steps i started. And i hid behind the van so incase anyone was looking they couldnt see me. James was behind me. He looked at me then looked away. My dad unlocked the van after seeing me crying. I tried to stop and he asked me what i said.
"She's crying."
And nothing. I felt so angry and sad and helpless and thats all they could say.
Then my mum came in and asked if i was ok. I stopped crying and looked up and tried to nod yes but said no.
We talked about how it would have probably been better for my aunt if she had died. I thought about how much harder this must have been for my mum, especially the year it happened, and when she had to leave for Trinidad when i was ruining my life at home.
I thought about my aunts kids and felt as if i hated them. Then all i could think of was her picture, and how that person didnt exist anymore. And what if she was really inside that body, and was trapped. And i hoped that she wasnt, that she was just a shell now. But i was glad i saw her. And i cried all the way to my next cousins house.

The Turtle.

I cant remember which night it was (which makes me a bit sad.) But i do remember it was the night of the eclipse.
We had driven for so long to a beach in Toco. I was in the front with my aunt, actually spending time with her. We fell asleep on each other and i kept waking up because the road was so bumpy. Her husband was driving and in the back, 9 others. We arrived at around Midnight. I remember standing around waiting, and looking straight up to see the moon. And i remember being really shocked that it wasn't a crescent moon like during the eclipse but was now a full moon.
(The eclipse was the scariest most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The shadow on the moon made it look like it was so close to us.)
We then started walking to the beach. The moon was so bright we could see without torches. We had been there a few hours earlier, so now we could see the huge lumps on the sand.
Even though i knew it was there, i still jumped when i saw the turtle. It was huge and it looked like someone had placed a large piece of shiny dark armour on the ground. The turtle hadn't moved yet and then it's back legs kicked up some sand.
We had a guide who told us that she'd dig until the hole underneath was 3 foot deep or when she couldn't dig anymore. We watched for about 10 minutes while the guide told us about her.
Leather backs can grow to about 8 foot, and the largest they've had in Trinidad that they recorded was 13. My aunt said, "No one knows how old a turtle is...except the turtle" and the guide laughed. I felt quite afraid but excited at the same time.
My cousins and I mostly stood in silence just walking to each other and leaning on one another.
Then the guide told us that when she was ready she would start going into a trance. I asked if she was nervous because we were standing around her, he didn't really answer me.
Then she went really still. He lifted up one of her legs which was covering the hole and shone his light on the eggs she had already laid. It was nice to see them, but i felt sick thinking that her legs were probably there to protect the eggs, and how he just lifted them up without permission (sounds stupid, but I'm sure she cared)
He told us that while she was in a trance we could touch her and feel what she feels like. He said it twice before her trance and i thought he said "you can feel what shes feeling," which was weird.
Some of us knelt around her to touch her skin. Her head was just like the shell on her back, but her neck was kind of soft, but strong at the same time. I just kept stroking a part on her...fin? because it felt really delicate. Throughout she kept lifting her head up and we would hear her breathing loudly.
I remember being next to an aunt at the time, and telling her that i felt really emotional, and she didn't even have to say anything.
Mathew and I named the turtle Emelda.
It was quite sad to see her cover up her eggs and then walk off down to the sea.
All i could think of was how violent the sea was that day, and the scars my brother and I had gotten from the waves and the rocks. And how she was by herself. But I guess they're made to be that way.

Back

So, we're back now, as of a few hours.
Tobago was awesome. We swam in the middle (or maybe to the left) of the Atlantic ocean which was slightly good.
The trip was really emotional (for me, in Trinidad) i got angry a few times but im sure people mistook it as me being sad.
I saw someone i was really close to years ago and hadnt seen or spoken to in 4 years. She's not the same now. In fact she's not the person she was before/im not sure if shes even there. That was probably the most painful thing i've had to go through, which is surprising. My cousins helped a lot.
We talked about death maybe nearly every day on this trip which was weirdly comforting.
I last saw them yesterday morning (TnT time), but i miss them so much already.
Tobago is beautiful, i took some tearful pictures of it from the plane. Might post some if i ever find my camera cable.
BEST HOLIDAY EVER.
But now I'm even more excited for summer and Canada and frickin Komasket.
BFFL.

All of this music

Look at the link if you want (in le title)
"Trinidad-arrived Saturday night.
Pearls 75th Party Sunday night.
We arrived pretty late on saturday night as there were problems in tobago wiuth connecting flights, but luckily managed to get on to the last plane.
Arrived in Trinidad-the heat hits you straight away. Saw my cute little cousins who then begged for me to sleep in their room that night. I didnt get any sleep-one got angry that i was too tired to play hide and seek, that she ordered me off of the bed to sleep on the floor. She then cried for a few more hours before falling asleep-so my other cousin wke up and loudly whispered to me "she's asleep now, you can come on the bed." Waking the other cousin. Then the whole night they somehow seemed to "culminate" around me nearly pushing me off the bed.

In the morning, while just walking round the pool i saw a canadian cousin randomly walking around, i nearly rubgy tackled him to the groud from my excitement. Then another car pulled up and it was tres emotional seeing all the canadians again.

At the party, (which was such a success) kinda spent the whole time lighting candles. The decorations were so good-lights all in the palm trees,a water fountain in the pool, a big white marquee with floating white cloths around it, and then little brown bags with tea candles around the pool. I spent most of the time lighting these and at one point i lit a bag instead of the candle inside and burnt my fingers and hair. Quite painful now. (And its not as retared as it sounds, dont judge)

We met Robert, the gay decorater, tres fabulous. At one point whilst dancing as a family an uninvited arrived and tried dancing with me, so robert whisked me away as he could see i was not impressed.A surprise for the night were the drum players, tassa youth they were called. That was so good, its like you couldnt help but love it-amazing, they played for about 5 minutes about 5 times during the night-not enough. All the invited guests seemed apathetic but all the real family were jumping around the pool-tres good.
The best surprise was the belly dancer, very beautiful-mathew was mesmerised or unimpressed, we couldnt tell. She asked for someone to dance with her near the end of her show but everyone was too shy, then Adriel suddenly started dancing with her, all of us who knew him laughed.I got tired very early- maybe the surreal ness of sitting with my mum singing angels or watching her dance with my aunt to abba was a bit too much to handle- some of the best parts though.
Anielia, Hannah (my cousin) and i eneded the night by playing a carnival song over and over again while dancing around the roundabout in the middle of the apartment compound. It was called "chipping" or something. Ive just woken up after falling asleep on a swinging chair thing in the sun-mmmm. "


This was originally written on Monday. Today is Friday. Went to some club called Zen on Wednesday night, went in V.I.P. Tres terrible. Well i hated it anyway. My sister had some loser tag along with us. He thinks he has a chance with her...eurgh.

We're off to Salybia now. Come back Sunday. Then our last day in Trinidad before Tobago on Tuesday. Its a shame we're leaving from Tobago.

Im not going to see my cousin, who i used to be really close to. On wednesday i heard dissapointment after dissapointment which is maybe why i had such a crap time. Im loving it here though, getting quite close to my cousins and one particular cousin who i used to be extremely close to, but we had previously drifted very far from one another.
Im tired and feel sick but i dont want to leave.

Hannah and i have been singing regina spektor's fidelity, which is making me happy and nervous.

Sick family make me sad. Gotta loves ya.

Trinidad et Tobago dig

i went go carting last friday, Cate bailed out on me so for the whole journey i sat cursing her under my breath at being stuck with more people i didnt know than people i did. Was good though, we all got to talking, the marshalls threatened to take me off the course because i never used my break and kept speeding round the corners. At one point i slammed into some tires so hard that i went under them and the barriers, but i wasnt the only total speeding idiot, someone had done it just before me. Tres embarrassing. But so so so great, made me in a really good mood though i lost terribly. My fastest lap was 42 seconds compared to Tom's 32. laaame.
Friday was michaels birthday celebrations-i didnt go to reading in the end for some reason. Lots of face paint.
Good weekend, bit sad though.
Now tis tuesday, i have not slept- we watched hot fuzz in guildford last night then tom and i stayed in the kitchen kicking balloons, i was so tired it seemed surreal. Then i watched butterfly effect. It's not that bad, bit stupid how a tiny kid can beat up a massive teenager, miscast.
Bla bla bla cannot wait for saturday/sunday whatever time im off the plane/see familia/at hooomme.

Its carnival right now in trinidad.
right, off to make pancakes.

At least you'll never be a vegetable, even artichokes have hearts.

My aunt once gave me the best advice id ever taken (sorry papa)
She said if someone hears you cry and they dont do anything about itthen they arent worth knowing. Yes cheesy and all, but just thinking back to a bad period.

i was FINE. For about 3 weeks i felt totally fine (mostly) i got a few phone calls recently, and they were great actually, but now its just all come back.
I just messaged someone i actually hate. I despise them and i want to shave her head( i was going to say other stuff but i am already violent enough as it is-o and someone reading this thinks shes the best thing on the planet (since drunken nights and eltham.))
But i sent a very nice message and it felt heartfelt at the time because i wanted to end these horrible feelings i have for her. She'll probably just read it and delete it , not even knowing that because she is a grotsky little whore bitch (o my goodness 11 months) that she has made the last 11 months unnecessarily difficult for me. 11 months, that is ridiculous.
For valentines day i went out, i dont want to get into details but it was a pretty awesome day. Like an incredible day actually with the two best people i could ever find. We went to Milton Keyes.

On the drive back i thought of Louise. And of out of ALL my 'friends', she has been the only one that was actually there for me when i needed it. Forget the other fakers, i can listen to all their problems and where are they? No all they can say is we told you so or "blah blah well me me me wheres my sympathy? i cant possibly hand out anymore for anyone else." Whats not funny but is making me laugh(bitterly), is that a few of those girls read this.
And she came back into contact with me when she knew i needed it. And she took me out and she stayed awake with my insomnia talking to me for hours.
We used to dislike each other intensely. INTENSELY. Over stupid girl things. But out of all of this i know that shes actually a real friend, which you never find. Its amazing we became friends, the thing that bonded us together was the thing that was making us hate each other before.
Whats also amazing is that she is the ONLY person i have ever told all my secrets to. She hasnt found out any other way, i wasnt scared of her judging me, she totally understood and didnt treat me like everyone else or feel sorry for me.

There was one really bad night, she called me up until i couldnt talk on the phone any longer, and then she stayed up til 6 in the morning though she had work at 7 talking to me. She then talked to other people to cheer me up. Shes totally amazing, i do miss her. I havent seen her since september. wow. We were meant to go to battersea together but i was in canada. I really want to talk to her right now, but to be honest i dont want to use her JUST because she's reliable.

It is amazing the amount that people dont care for each other. We have our friends who are 'reliable', we depend on them to make us feel better, then we go out and forget about them til later when it is convenient for us. I dont want to surround myself with those people anymore, no matter how a 'friend' i thought they were before. The type of people who say they care but dont show it. If you care, you dont say it. Idiots. You just do. argh why is that so hard?

We need more Louise's in the world.

Is this all i wanted to say? Probably. Basically, i miss my friend.

Knowing that i havent failed any of the really crap modules has put me in a mood fantastique.
I fell asleep in a lecture today and screamed with fright as did half the class when the fire alarms went off. Apparently there was a fire but not in the close vicinity so we returned and i fell asleep again.
I keep rubbing my leg- on Monday night at the SU thing, Sarah and i decided to go up onto the stage. I moved back a bit falling down a massive ( about 5 stairs high) hole in the stage right on to my back (like the spine straight-up-no-doubt). Luckily (for Sarah) she fell on top of me, breaking her fall. Luckily for me, Billy grabbed me and hid my face til i didnt feel quite as embarrassed. The Vice president of the SU kept asking if he should call an ambulance, so i did a painful jig so everyone would leave me alone.
It doesnt hurt much today but walking is now a pain.
My neighbours call me 'dyspraxic Jordana' now as the whole of their house saw my magnificent fall and havent stopped mentioning it since. Also Sarah started mentioning how when im walking i always bump into the person im walking with (so what!? clumsiness... pah)
Dan my house mate thinks i might have a slight form of it as i was incapable of kicking a grape sized ball and im still incredibly shy even after months of seeing them every day.
(My house mates are freaking weird anyway)

"all i want is your pretty little heart..." im so happy about my grades. I'll shut up now.