The Aunt

In Trinidad, we stayed at a resort in Salybia, that was during the time i saw the turtle. When we came back, we went to see my mums side of the family. I had only seen three people from this side, and in England.
We went to Judy's house first, which in retrospect was the best idea.
I was so nervous, i felt sick in the car. I tried to ignore it by reading.
When we got there, my dad had to go park the car. My sister was ill. So it was just me, my mum and brother walking up the steps. My aunt looked at us through the windows and i felt even more sick. She stood at the tops of the stairs where my mum said hello and we went inside. At first, it didn't seem like she recognised me, she sat down and looked a bit afraid as my mum and James hugged her. Then my mum said "We bought Jordana this time." (Everyone except me had been back to Trinidad and seen her in the last four years)
My aunt had a stroke 2 years ago. I don't really understand what strokes do to you. The one other person i know who had one cant walk, but she still talks and understands the same. When this aunt had a stroke, i was in a really bad place, putting even more stress on my mum, who had to leave for Trinidad. I still don't understand what happened. All i know is that this aunt, Judy, couldn't walk and was in bed for a long time. At first she couldn't remember things, people, and then it came back. Apparently she cried a lot. But then she started walking and reading again. (We used to go to orpington library every week and take out the maximum amount of books the library would lend us.) But something about her is different or not there now.
My aunts later told me that she doesn't talk unless you say something or ask her a question. She doesn't ask questions.
So when my mum said, "We bought Jordana this time," my aunt looked really sad, and then like she didn't know how to say the words that she wanted to come out.
"But how come she looks so much like...like...," and she started tapping her wrist to try and think of the name. My mum and i just looked down, and i knew what she was going to say but didn't want to say. I think my mum said "young?" but i said "Sarah" and Judy looked up at me and said "yes," and looked like she was going to cry again.
I sat down and looked around.
This aunt lived with us for a year, a while after we first moved to england. She made things easier for me, in a way, she made friends with some of the mums in my year 2 class, and introduced me to someone who is now in jail. She met James and i from school and we'd always walk home, and we never argued, we just had really good conversations, about books and nothing.
So when i sat down, i thought about all of this, but i didn't want to cry.
I met one of her daughters i was never close to, and who i never thought much of. Then another.
I could hear water running and knew it was my other cousin. His name is Alex and he is 14 days younger than me. I was meant to be named Alex, but i was a girl and he wasn't. He used to be my best friend. And until i saw him, he still kind of was. I hadn't seen him for 4 years. I was so excited to see him, for nothing.
So I sat there, excited and nervous and not knowing what to do or what to think. I kept looking at my aunt and when she looked at me id smile nervously until she looked away.
Alex walked in, mumbled something, hugged my mum and sat down. Then he watched t.v. The last time i saw him, we cried and wrote each other letters constantly, about him coming to England and how much we missed each other. The whole visit, he acted like i wasn't there.
There isn't much more. I tried to talk to him. He has a tattoo on his forehand now, and i asked him about it. He looked at my brother when he replied. I tried to smile. I happened to see a picture of my family on their wall, and then near it a picture of her before the stroke, looking like her funny normal self. And i remembered her jokes, and how she was so big before but used to say she was sexy, and her voice.
I hugged everyone else except for him when we left. I wanted to hug him. As i hugged my aunt i whispered to her that i loved her and she started crying and said she loved me too, which was the most she said all night, along with what she said at the beginning.
I forced myself not to cry in front of her, but as soon as i walked down their steps i started. And i hid behind the van so incase anyone was looking they couldnt see me. James was behind me. He looked at me then looked away. My dad unlocked the van after seeing me crying. I tried to stop and he asked me what i said.
"She's crying."
And nothing. I felt so angry and sad and helpless and thats all they could say.
Then my mum came in and asked if i was ok. I stopped crying and looked up and tried to nod yes but said no.
We talked about how it would have probably been better for my aunt if she had died. I thought about how much harder this must have been for my mum, especially the year it happened, and when she had to leave for Trinidad when i was ruining my life at home.
I thought about my aunts kids and felt as if i hated them. Then all i could think of was her picture, and how that person didnt exist anymore. And what if she was really inside that body, and was trapped. And i hoped that she wasnt, that she was just a shell now. But i was glad i saw her. And i cried all the way to my next cousins house.