"a thing like this is not meant to last."

Not eating for the whole day, meeting an old friend, jumping round the student union and smashing your head against a few bricks might not be such a good idea.
It was pyjama party night at the union last night, no point talking about it, was better than Halloween, my 2nd ever time there. Afterwards Zahra and i sat on a wall outside talking to randoms who walked past. At one point we laughed so hard i put my head back, she 'fell into me' kinda and my head made contact with the bricks. I am reaping the rewards now. No bruise, just an aching feeling in the back of my head.

Didnt help when today in FREAKING shorthand, the teacher decided to pick on me. Was hilarious, i cant take her seriously because of her accent. Shes nice though, played along with my banter and scribbled over my painstakingly neat and legible notes with her red marker.

Trinidad soon, i am so unbelievably excited. Every time it comes up in conversation, i feel sick. Even when people say, "so where were you born?" I found a box in my room yesterday filled with all these letters. One of them was from my mum when my parents came to england and me and my sibs stayed home.

"Jordana, you must eat food, otherwise you will be sick...when we buy a house we will have a garden with roses and other flowers, you will like it over here..." a cunning trick mother, where are these flowers and roses you spoke of 13 years ago? Did i like flowers back then? A better line would have been
"samurai pizza cats and teenage mutant ninja turtles also shows on tv here, and its warm enough to have a pool outside"-but that would have been a lie.

also a few letters from my closestclosestclosest cousins and an aunt i cant wait to see (though getting really nervous about seeing her, im not good with people) I hope she doesnt ask about old friends...

arrrghhhhh im sooo excited.

I also read old diaries and notes and dream journal things. i updated a few things. Man, i was a nut at 14. I would throw those things away, but its nice to remember stuffs.

I wish i was going to Trinidad for carnival, just to see it. Part of me doesnt want to go, i know i'll get funny when i come back. After Canada i was a mess around my friends, just didnt want to talk to anyone except family. And this time they'll all (mostly) be there.

24 DAYS.
Its weird being back at uni, better than last term. Walking down the corridor and having two really tall people run up to me and scream in my face was unnecessary, but it was good to hang out with dan and tosan again.
shmee shmaa closing time. i shall compose a rhyme...in my bedroom.

Eau d'bedroom dancing....

lyrics again

Ive been keeping a dream diary recently, i should really go to bed. Ive just remembered this song and annoyed that i even nearly forgot about it.

Here you stand seething with guilt
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice
The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness
The one thing that I cannot give

Did you ever see that one person
And the way they do these things
And it hurts you so much it's like choking, choking, CHOKING! no need for the caps OR the exclamation.

I can give you freedom from your guilt
With a flick of my wrist onto yours
I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile
I can give you death with the look upon my face

This is your freedom, in a life of fallacy
With no last kiss and no regrets
You don't deserve good bye
This is your freedom, in a life of fallacy
With no last kiss and no good bye

Here you stand seething with guilt
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice

With a short story
The one you add to daily
You are the tragic loss
No story book ending for the fairy tale of you
Just the one composed with blood
Taken from your pen that you hold in your lifeless hand
Cry for you. Shed tears, mourn. Wish the end
Cry for you. Shed tears, mourn. Wish the end
Mourn, wish, the end
Mourn, wish, the end
Mourn, wish, the end yadda yadda yadda

Did you ever look Yeah, the good part, this always gets to me. HAVE to actually listen though.
Did you ever see that one person?
And the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
And to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds
You let this one person come down at the most perfect moment

And it breaks my heart, to know
The only reason you are here now
Is a reminder of what I'll never have
I'll never have
I'll never

Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in
But this table for one has become bearable
I now take comfort in this, in this, I cherish you

Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person?
And the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
And to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds
And you let this one person come down
Come down

I cherish you bit cheesy
I cherish you
Just say that you would do the same for me
Just say you would do the same
Just say you would do the same for me
For as much as I love Autumn
I'm giving myself to Ashes



Ever since i heard this song (2004) i weirdly became obsessed with the word/name Autumn(and this song-hours on repeat). I think this is a tres excellent/depressing(if in the mind frame) song. I dont even know why im posting it, im conflicting.
People care about things too much, some dont care about important things enough. i get too angry too easily when i think somethings not right in the world.

Im getting a tiny bit sick of everyone everywhere giving me advice or telling me whats best for me. I do listen, just need a bit of time by myself to figure it out, maybe.

Gregory and the Hawk - The Bolder thing to do. find and pay/download.

Resist all the urges that make you want to go out and kill.

Each and every day i am finding it increasingly difficult to get up out of my bed.
Before i went on holiday i had problems sleeping, so i choose to just spend the whole night downstairs in my front room with a duvet and pillow and maybe sleep for 3 hours then get up ridiculously early and read/stare.
In Canada, i slept like a jet lagged log.
Since I've returned, I've finally decided to spend time in my bedroom. My bedroom is a mess. I hate it. I told myself I'd clean it yesterday when i got home from work, but instead i decided to read all the newspapers in our house and move my t.v upstairs so i could have some light.
I go to bed early, i stumble through the crap all over the floor in the dark (my light bulbs died a few months ago and also in the lamp i later used as a replacement.) Then lying there, i either flick through TV channels til i find a program that's worth lighting up my room with, or read a book with my flashlight (i am no longer allowed to read by flashlight as my dad has banned me: "that flashlight was only meant for emergencies.")
OK soon getting to the point, when i finally do fall asleep, i now sleep a bit longer than my usual 3 hours, but I'm so much more tired and a bit freaked out. For the past few weeks i wondered about this, then last Friday on the way to work, this thought entered my head:

"The reason i am so tired is because of those pills that woman is giving to me. She said that if i take them every night they make me sleep longer and I wont wake up every few hours and start craving."

This comforted me for about 2 minutes until i was suddenly horrified and thought "wait, what pills?"

I realised that i was waking up some mornings thinking to myself: "why am i so tired?...o yeah the pills."
For the last few days i keep thinking about this dream, and some mornings i wake up remembering it. At one point I got a bit freaked out that i was actually convincing myself i was only tired because of some weird pills some witchy italian looking woman was giving me to cure my "cravings."
Ive always been interested in lucid dreaming, but since i saw the movie 'Waking Life' ive never tried hard to actually do it. Ive probably only been able to do it once, where i made something move into the shapes i wanted. Ive only been doing some of the exercises, but last night i managed to have the same dream again but this time ask the woman why she was forcing these pills down my mouth.
The only explanation i remember being given was that they were to stop my cravings. I still dont really know what these cravings are. But yes thats it I'm done, back to work.

(The above title was running through my earphones on the walk to work today when some stupid little man said something to me, i luckily didnt hear what he said but was still feeling the urge to kick him, when this song saved him.)
(i wouldnt have really kicked him, twas just an urge)

If you missed ER last night, watch it somehow, even if you dont normally watch it.

^yeah do that.

Spent a lot of the day looking at gorillaz stuff on wikipedia, its like reading a book. There was hardly any work to be done. I have pages and pages of doodles on my desk.
El manana is an awesome song, and video in my opinion.
I was planning on walking round london tonight, when i came out of work yesterday, it was so dark and the london eye was lit up, but plans have changed. o man, im gonna miss shameless tonight.
some
times
i feel
really lethargic.
I like London in the dark. Especially London Bridge station for some weird reason.
"madi dont leave"-by playradioplay. download it. My favourite song today. Had it on repeat on the way to work and nothings going to change for the way back.

"The thing about this game is that its so good because of the things you can do"...really?

Music playing: Bjork 'Cocoon'
James "What the HELL is that?"
James "Jords im a level 15 undead priest, do you know what lionheart arcania is?"
Me "Hm?"
James "No you wouldnt, cos youre GAY. What the HELL is that? I've got a raid in 10 minutes."

I thought he'd escaped, but no.

"Jords, can you help me out with this game?"
Ok
"I need £20 for weapons."

made me think

I read this ghost story the other day (Christmas present) A man comes home and is upset, picking up things all over his house and crying over them. As he rambles on you find that he just came home from the funeral of a loved one, his girlfriend. He goes on about how he doesn't want to walk in front of a certain mirror, because it was hers and might retain her reflection or essence. He's so upset, he decides to go back to her grave. On her gravestone, the epitaph says,

"She loved, was loved and died."

He cries some more then irrationally decides he will spend the rest of the day and all night crying on her grave. He then realises if he stays sitting there for too long, someone will see him and escort his out of the graveyard.

The man walks around other graves. As it starts to grow dark he stops. On the closest grave he reads,
"Here lies Peter Green.
A good man, a good son. He worked hard and loved his family."
He decides to sit there for a while, later falling asleep. When he wakes up, its totally dark, i mean like cant see the trees in front of him. so he stands up and stumbles around for a while, knocking the graves, til he gives up and sits back down on the tombstone he fell asleep on. Soon he feels this a-rumbling a-coming from his nether regions and realises the tombstone underneath him is moving. Panicking, he moves and hides being the nearest gravestone. The tombs owner slowly comes out of the ground. The man watches in horror as his half rotted body comes out and then sits on top his own grave. He watches as the corpse reads his own epitaph. The man, Peter Green, then starts to scratch out what was written and over the top he writes,
"Here lies Peter Green. A wretched soul, he lied, stole and cheated all."
At that moment the hiding man sees that most of the graves are stirring. Quickly he stands up and runs until he finds his previous lovers grave. With out seeing her face he recognises her dress. Walking slowly, he approaches her as she finishes writing,

"Out in the rain while trying to deceive her lover, she caught pneumonia and died."


The best story in the whole book.

Hypocritical

A lot of reunions recently, saw elle and char yesterday at Julies, tres wicked. She's got a gym so we messed around in there for a while, dripped chocolate everywhere, general banter and charlotte touching me in places which makes me curl up on the floor in fear.

One of my friends has made the biggest mistake of her life. I met up with all the ones i liked today (newstead-our 6) and we're going to see her at lloyds tomorrow, which will be weird and funny. she is an idiot.

shmee shmaa. I dont go back til the 29th. I HAVE to work next week in London, argh. Can a university student tell me when the "average" day for getting january loans are?

I need a huge amount of sleep.

This is why i am going to africa.

actually

Actually, you know what? Today was one of the best days ever. I sincerely mean that. There wasnt much to do (apparently, and was told to me a few times) but i didnt care! I loved every second of it. I felt like how i used to last year, and years before.
ThankYou.
I am definitely getting a hamster one day. And after 8 wasnt so bad. Just compared to earlier, twas not worth mentioning.
Irn Bru is nice, if it's not diet ;)
Im good.
I stuck my tongue out at James and he was happy. He punched me in the chest on holiday, makes me laugh. We had a good time in the airport.
He bought me lunch, then went to wash his hands. I opened my burger, took a huge bite out of it then wrapped it back up. I swapped my burger with his, then waited. For TEN agonising minutes he ate his chips and made fun of me. When i burst out laughing he assumed i was laughing at his crappy jokes. I pretended to eat my/his burger. Finally, he opened his burger, i bit my tongue from laughing so hard.
Then i saw his face. I think i choked a bit. (im sure he died a little inside)
SNIG

floating in the sea

I want a mobile phone, but i have no use for it. New years eve, whatever didnt even notice it pass. People have told me i should be optimistic about this year compared to the last few, i want to-but to be honest just not thinking about it (because i fear it so)

From 8pm onwards this is already a terrible year. Im not feeling down though, just a bit regretful. I do miss my friends. But i still wish i was in Canada.

The flights were awful, the 9 hour wait worse, the delays worse. The food-yeuk. The movies kinda made up for it...ish. Blah blah blah.

Female missionaries just walked in. Bit embarrassing.

I really wish i was still in Canada. Why is my family not online? I cried my eyes out on the planes. They all (minus one) saw us off at the airport. Ive never grown that attached to people before, especially in only 10 days.

I have 6 weeks off for uni. Im excited about tomorrow. Nightmare before christmas with a penguin and Julies hosue with Ellerie.

Now im back home, i dont feel real. Just feel like im floating around without ... read Brian Wilsons lyrics about a cork on water or a rock in a landslide, hes pretty 'core.

Death to Smoochie is a really good movie. It makes me like ed norton even more. Cracked is an EXCELLENT magazine. If I had to write for a magazine it would be that one. I nearly got this other magazine but it was tres depressing, will write about it later.

I have too many plans for this year, im planning to leave the country...5/6 times. depending if i decide to take a year out at the end of july.
2/3 of them are definite-ish.

January-Rome-Uni thing
February/March-Trinidad!-Family reunion
May-Thailand-Animal Conservation
July/August-Canada-Komasket Festival
November-India-Diann showing us culture

This is the one im going to take a year out for or wait til i finish uni

ONE DAY-AFRICA-YEP.

ok whatever im done. i wish i could find my camera cable. I miss my cousins tres bad.
Anielia-i screamed so much, i scream-
James- for ice cream.
Jordana- I cuss, you cuss, we all cuss for asparagus.
Jordana -(to a waitress) I love your oranges.
Mathew- i want....an orange. (He was trying to rhyme.)

Jordana-you cant always get what you ask for (in falsetto, very loud, in the car, with kierans firend)
(The wrong lyrics, mathew did make fun of me)

Mathew-goodness glaciers, tres bad, tres ridculi, tres
anything mathew said- for the whole ten days.

"But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get whot you neeeeeeed"
I sang this opera stylee in Mathews ear very loud and anielia wacked me hard in the face with a hat.