Do it.

Woooo! I just got a call for a job interview! Im not sure how they got my home telephone number as i didnt put it on my C.V, but with my phone being stolen and all, i feel tres lucky.
Again about my birthday, it was a really good day, i wish i could upload the silent video Ariege took of us at the park, but i forgot my camera cable at uni. The only present-present i actually got on the day was a Batman comic (which i read in like 20 minutes and totally freaked me out by the way, but still love it-thanks!) but i didnt mind. Honestly, it was the best birthday i've had, being older than 8-9 or whatever. "Really enjoyed it (i wrote this on my knee earlier, bored while watching Laguna Beach) wouldnt have changed a thing."
Turns out i didn't see anyone i didn't want to see. Even Laura's back.
I like having a few good friends, like really good friends, rather than a large group of crap which i've managed to get rid of. Even at Uni. Ah all tis good.
I really hope i get my replacement phone soon, ahhh all my recent pictures, lost. Lost.
WATCH LAGUNA BEACH AND THE HILLS. I wish i was them ahhh.
Listen to 'I Wish I Was Him' by Kathleen Hanna.

All my friends are dead. good song

Ariege was wicked, we went to the park and stuff, i slipped down a hill, right on my butt. It was dangerous. We went on a roundabout then i took a picture of a funny dog. Jackass 2 is HILARIOUS. They played a peaches song, i loved them for it. Its also her best one (which i deleted off my home computer cos of the name-grrr censors)
When you watch it look out for the devil-amazing. I want to watch that and Tenacious D again. Id pay to watch them both...in the same day.
This is my first birthday since i was 13 that i havent had an 'other.' Maybe thats what made this day better than the others in my head. But i wont lie, i want one. And i've decided not that one. Good memories do not a happy relationship make-innit got that from my classics teacher. He's dating someone from my year. Im not desperate though. Some dude from Brighton asked me out. No thanks said i, in a 'you dont want me-i live far away in the citttyyy and'...i cant remember what else i texted him.
My school friends SUCK. Saturday, mona and chloe come home to see me. Mona comes too late to meet us in london. Chloes boyfriend takes chloe saying "im coming home this weekend for Jordanas birthday" as, 'book a hotel, go on book a hotel and take me out i have no other plans'
Laura doesnt reply.
Sunday laura chloe mona -"lets meet up and go out" Jordana-no please no.
Jordana "just come round mine for a movie" chloe-i want a posh meal. mona-yeah. Laura no reply...Jordana-lets cancel.
Monday mona-happy birthday but if you dont use the ticket i bought for you to come to birmingham ill be upset.
Chloe-its your birthday so meet up with me for lunch, though you may have made other plans.
Laura-nothing, but i see her happily strolling round bromley shopping in la senza and talking on her phone. She's upset? She cant leave the house? O right so thats why shes stocking up on underwear and laughing really loud.
even Leah contacted me (those who havent heard me talk about her, leahs like...uh she's such a weirdo we used to be best friends and in the same group of best friends now, but we've totally changed, shes someone id normally hate..."o my gawwwssh your underwear totally doesnt match the nail polish on your toes, disgusting."
lalalalaThanks for the texts!
Im so bored now. My dvd player doesnt work and i want to watch garden state. I feel like throwing something. I want to do something other than go for a meal. BLAH.

today

is my birthday. Its raining, crap. Meant to be meeting ariege in like 10 minutes but im still in sofa/bed. Im too comfortable. It doesnt seem like my birthday. Strangest year/feeling. Usually i get the sick apprehension empty hollow feeling, but today just feels like a normal day except my mum sang a bit of happy birthday and my dad made me a massive breakfast. (which he does sometimes anyway)
ariege is bringing speakers, was meant to be clear today so we could sit in the park, then watch jackass 2. whats up with bromley being empire now and only showing 4 movies? and one of them is the santa clause 3 so it just obviously doesnt count.
Ive got a girls aloud song on the brain. If i knew it was girls aloud when i forst heard it in exeter i wouldnt like it. I was quite dissapointed. Its the one where they say toot and beep a lot, so i got matt to do driving motions and car honking motions whenever it plays.
lalalalalala. Im happy for my presents (garden state and a batman watch) I think this will be a good day as i have no expectations, and it doesnt seem like my birthday and i hate birthdays.
yuck im 20, thats so rank.
I spoke to my granny yesterday. Well we communicated, i dont think she heard anything i said. At one point the phone hung up and she called back, but i missed a good minute of her talking so by the time i said hello again she was saying:
"ok and tell blah and blah hello and make sure...etc." Funny
better get ready. I hope i dont see my newstead friends stalking round bromley today.

i wanna watch family guy mmmhhhmmm< whimpering whiney sound.
xxxxxxxxxxx

...

i know its like the movie EVERYONE loves and blah cult blah
someone pushed garden state through my letter box just now. I opened it, saw what it was and felt sick. Theres a note inside, but not going to read it. I wish i could play dvds on my laptop but i deleted something important so the sound doesnt play.
It was a REALLY really nice thing for them to do, seeing as they had to travel to mine instead of posting it. And they didnt have to buy me a present, im funny about people buying me stuff. I even get weird when my mum gives me money. Like the last time, i think i cried when she gave me £50, i couldnt touch it, i told her to put it down and i'd pick it up later if she had to give it to me.
Not sure if im looking forward to tonight. Looking forward to getting there and watching my uncle play again, just not the hellos i guess.
7 at charing cross

ooo so much

so much to write about but not going to, because once i start i cant stop and o i wish i did have some pringles. Im at home now. My phone got stolen at Jacks Birthday Celebrations at le Roxy, i called up loads but they siad wasnt handed in so gotta go to police station so i can etc it. Exeter (mostly saturday night) was le wick. Yesterday (wednesday) was also weeeellllll good. I met Jack, Faye, Matt and Lavanya (who i hadnt seen in years and our first time of talking properly) and we went to a wicked place in covent garden and had a good time. then we met up with Alex Bently, and then we got on one of those things you get in India, where they pull you along on their bikes. I LOVED it, everyone on the street could probably hear me. Matt Faye and Alex's guy was struggling a bit though, first day and all. Matt said it was embarassing after, "because it was slow." I think its cos i was screaming so much.
just before the roxy we met up with Becka and had a good time in there. 2 people joined us called Laura and Jade , i just said my name and they both said "you went out with Nathan." Ohh that freaks me out a bit. But id met them both before, especially Laura soo many times and we share a very close friend too. Weird group-but good how we were all connected somehow. Even Becka and I, hough we still havent figured out how...
Lavanya was trying to get me too dance, i was messing around dancing. It was fun. Jack and Jade were dancing with a parsnip. Crazy.
A wicked song or three came on, but i was too busy. I then got annoyed and bored and then relieved when someone tapped me on the shoulder to leave. I am still upset my phone and hat are gone forever.
We went back to Matts. With Jacks dude from work. o MY daaayyyyyze. R. Kelly, trapped in the closet, look it up on youtube, i couldnt believe it-wait im gonna watch the last 2 episodes now


Legend. Reminded me of my sister when i was watching it, actually felt a bit of pain, she'd love it. Havent seen her in over a year now, have i said that before? She did call up for a few hours today, asked me loads of stuff but i hate overseas phonecalls so it doesnt help. I really miss her, BRING ON FEBRUARY, whooo 2 weeks in trinidad, cannot WAIT. oooo man bring on the ffooooooddddd.
aaaaannnyway.
im off to lie down and not sleep and then drift into a sleep like state, and then wake up and walk around. And then watch a movie. NYYYYYTTTZZZ.
(why do i feel happy? i actually should be feeling sniffy, im not complaining)
(personal enufff?)

yada yeada

ha yeada, ok so have no real time (I DO, IM LAZY) we went to exeter, see jacks Blog and video, been to uni, been in my room, slept in MY bed last night, WAS WICKED! I GOT 4 HOURS SLEEP MAX! felt so good this morning for NO REASON. (Thats my bi polar acting up...maybe)
wrote a blog for whatsit, online thats it
dontagreemate.blogspot.com or just check out the link, with an OBVIOUS reference to the funniest family guy ever on your right.
Ah the thing is right now i should feel so sad, so let down, sooo forlorn and lonesome. But i dont. Im not going to bournemouth this end of week, should maybe tell my friends. Whoevers reading this, if youre down in the area saturday come meet up with us for a night of friendship, frivolity and hilarity.
I sound like ellerie.
Banter
*edit* Because its my birthday on monday, who cares how old i am, im actually doing something for it for once, so bring money for a travel card and about a tenner MAXIMUM. sheisha. I hope i actually go through with this plan because i want to and also i got into an argument with someone over this SO BETTER BE WORTH IT DUDES.
another edit, geeeeez
one thing just made me feel all warm inside, my cousin damian from Canada, weve had each other on msn for YEARS, but we had never spoken at all (im talking about last year though) Hes got a brother called mathew whos apparently my twin soul, got my into alot of music and i got him into some. Mat and i used to chat, he added a girl into one of our convos and we became good friends. Then apparently i had a hi5 account. (DIDNT REALISE) annnnnyway, one day my cousin damian relaised he added me to hi5 and was looking at my profile cos it basically was filled with weird pictures and me saying "STAY AWAY, I AM A FREAK." Then he looks at my friends and sees that girl (her name is marina) They start chatting not realising her best friend is his brother etc, and they start dating. Nine months ago he first started talking to me, "thanks for inadvertedly setting me up with marina" and now theyve been dating for 9 months. Aw thanks hi5, bringing couples and cousins together. (Even though i was going to talk to him now but still too shy) not going to start using it anytime soon though
ok the end, librarys closing and going to watch XMEN3 with IAN KWAN HAHAHAHHA

o yeah

AND we bought and listened to +44's new album, better than Angels and Airwaves, not THAT good, but ahhh beautiful.
(It gets better after No, its not. They even re-made no, its not, better drums and bass, and still got Carol Hellers voice, make you smile is the best song)
cant BELIEVE i didnt go see them.
you are all so freaking gay. Im saying that in the most hurtful way possible.

Dont you feed me lies, about some idealistic future...

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking. This week has been weird, cant say much because of one person who reads this, but I think I definitely made the right choice…in a way. I was getting really upset, especially about going back to uni on Monday night.
On Sunday night, i wrote out 3 pages of how i was feeling. Jumbled up crap i can tell ya.Most of it's really unlegible, more than when i can even see the paper. I kept getting messages from people, delete delete delete, went my fingers.
For the whole of Monday I felt really sick, not physically sick, but…yeah-ariege you know. Someone called me up, and actually said “are you ok?” and when I said fine, they said, "no really." To cut a looong story short I ended up crying my eyes out, and then trekking to theirs. The trek was almost a bad idea, I was so weak from the way I was feeling I almost couldn’t make the rest of the way and had to run for the last bus, but there was traffic so it was copasetic.
We haven’t done much, been helping each other out with uni work and walking around the high street, but its what I needed so bad. Well last night was tres horrible, pathetically I did cry because my body was in pain from we-don’t-know-what. But its gone now.
I love when people surprise you by being understanding/actually caring if you are ok or not. Yeah I still am not ok, but if I was by myself id be a lot worse.
At the moment I am by myself, because they’ve gone out to see their significant other, but I don’t mind, the time alone again will do me good.
Im not looking forward to anything anymore though, it’s a shame. Because I had some stuff to look forward to, but after thinking and realising I want “something I can never have” just kinda given up. I would be all “o but yes I have uni and lalalalal” but uni gets boring when you’re competent. I should write up the court story, I should write up my interview, I should be learning the middle eastern countries, I should be listening to the radio, I should be writing my argument for why I strongly think Saddam Hussein shouldn’t die… but I think I may just listen to the Postal Service some more. Nothing Better is the only song ive heard and the only song I ever want to hear. Why hasn’t anyone told me about them before? Even James loves it. We were singing along to it Sunday night-before he left and I started my phase of…whatever.
Lalalala hmmm I think maybe I should go see la docteur soon. I really miss Ariege. In fact im missing EVERY single one of my friends at the moment, but in a way, not enough. If I’m the only one willing to put the EFFORT in, why should I waste my time (and energy and thoughts) anymore?
Wow this can be seen as really bitchy, lucky for me everyone’s too dumb to have a clue what im talking about.
Why has only one person seen ME at uni? Im not visiting everyone.
People are replaceable. I know 2 that aren’t. (Not including my family, don’t be silly.)
I want to be in Orpington on Sunday for my dad, but already made these gar plans. I guess me and Charlotte will have to content ourselves with calling up and straining to listen to the events.
Night.

Had to do it

http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com

Last monday i had a "friend" stay with me. Was a bad experience, wrong choice, i hated it, dont want to even talk about it. On tuesday morn, they left and i tried to forget about it. I went into class and i stumbled on this website. I cried my eyes out when i got back to my room. Luckily, Ariege called me that night.

The content's changed since last time. It changes every sunday, its called "Heroin content."
"The reason we call it Heroin content is because the website may be bad, but the content is so good you'll be crawling back begging for another hit next week."

I designed my own one on tuesday night, but i couldnt finish it. I AM going to send some in (because i have a lot) but not because i want them to be on the website, just because it feels better to contribute something after reading all thse other people's revelations. I wasnt going to talk about it too, because i wanted this website for myself (if ya get me, yo) but i love it too much to keep it a secret, G.

Im asking my mum to buy me the books for my birthday, though this may make me depressed from now until next year. Worth it though.

"So you snorted the flour, then what did you do?"

We went to court on Thursday, about 15 of us shivering in the cold while our frizzy haired teacher briefed us. We talked to men from the bbc waiting for that muslim dude who stirred up racial hatred in London over the murder crimes, but he was in custody all day.
Blah blah blah, we managed to get into a court room and heard that flour bit, this girl called Sophie and i just stared at each other. Then this dude started telling his story, and our teacher pulled us out to tell us she had to go. We found out later that these 2 guys killed a boy for selling them flour instead of Cocaine.
I hung around with a group of girls i usually stayed away from, for 4 hours while we waited for courts to open up. What was really weird, was that they invited me. We were just waiting to go in the first court room and they asked my opinion on everything. Then they included me in their little discussions...it scared me so i kept walking off for bits, but then they'd follow me. It was nice though, 2 of them went off for a while and this girl i previously despised told me they were bitching about her. I dont despise her anymore because now she seems more human. We waited in a pub eating for HOURS. I got so frustrated i kept going for walks, then walked down fleet street. Then played with all the crap we had on the table. I got so bored i read the Sun. We had to leave our bags in a cafe hours earlier, not allowed them in the old bailey, so didnt even have my phone.
Later we went into a case where a man with schizophrenia was accused of rape. I was going to walk out, but it would have been stupid of me. It was pretty harsh, i didnt believe the woman though, i dont think the jury did either. They were both as messed up as each other.
I ran home, ran to waterloo, ran to staines. Mormons are funny. I met Cate. I spent the whole of institute looking at this girl thinking "why does she speak so articulately, but then texts like a retard?" I was relieved Cate was a bit more normal than the girl i thought she was. I met a girl who went to my uni, Joel (hmm) and others.
Everyone "O you're Jordana! We've heard so much about you! Thats Joel by the way" *pushes me over* (O yeah subtle, thanks.)
Basically, when uni started i spent the week with this woman called Rowena. We were eating dinner one day and she asked about my relationship life, told her i was recently-ish single and she turns to her daughter and says "Ooh, do you know who is perfect for her? Joel."
Adam from South-end later tells me at Arieges party that Rowena has been telling everyone that Joel and i should date. He sends me a picture of Joel with chocolate round his face. Nice.
So by the time i introduce myself to everyone on thursday night, theyre pushing me towards Joel. We dont talk. We get into Cates car and go to where ever for some mormon fun.
"I'm Joel"
"I know"
"OOOh Adam sent you a picture of Joel didnt he Jordana?"
"Uh oh yeah, it was nice."

Finally we arrived at this girls house, met more people, who made fun of my name...in a sad way "O so are you named after the river Jordan, you know, where Jesus got baptised?"
"I really dont know, where's the bathroom?"

They played this rope game, where you have to qs(cant be bothered to 'splain.) Joel and i sat out.

Then we played this game called pulse. You split into two groups, and then each group gets into a line and holds hands. At one end someone flips a coin and if its heads, then the team leaders at the top of the line, squeezes the hand of the person next to them. Everyone else has their eyes closed and you then squeeze the next persons hand. The pulse is passed along til it reaches the two people at the end. Once they feel a pulse they have to grab an object (keys) before the other team. (If this makes sense.)
I really dreaded my turn at the end. I lost once, and then Joel was against me. I then beat him (by grabbing the keys first). Then i was one of the leaders at the top and was against him again, and we beat him.
We had a stand off in the kitchen. He offered me food so we went. We talked about people we knew, then awkward silences, then a kind of conversation went past in which we basically said "please dont let this be awkward because of other people, we arent going to date, we dont even know each other, ok, sorted, good."
Then we played a cup stacking game, i didnt play on the principle that id seen an advert for it and i thought it was so bad i wouldnt even touch it. It looked fun in the end. We even watched the instructional video where a really happy girl proclaimed to be the "world record cup stacker." Now that's ambition.

THEN we played a "drinking " game. Obv the persons house it was wasnt a real mormon, but we played it with all those crappy tescos drinks. She was also a geek, (lord of the rings swords everywhere and knew the elven language whatsit)
So we watched Return of the Jedi. It was a pointless game. "ooo look anakin is using his light saber, drink up." About half an hour into it they decided the team that had to go to the toilet first would be the losers...smart.

The girls geeky brother got on my nerves. Joel and i were talking in the kitchen and he came in. Joel politely said "*persons name* my friend, hows it going?"
then this WEIRDO said (looking at me the whole time which freaked me out)
"WON, yew are not my friend, teeeww ive only seen yew 3 days a week at most..."
(i walked out by three, i was freaked out/disgusted beyond belief, when people ask how you are, you just lie and say fine dude.)
He also played the cup stacking game earlier, acting like he knew what he was doing, and when someone tried to help he made them feel really stupid. I rolled my eyes, then remembered where i was, and just looked down...THEN rolled my eyes. At one point in the drinking game, he walked past the table full of the bottles. A girl was trying to pour herself a drink and he waddled past kicking the bottle out her hand and all over the floor. He blamed it on her which made her upset.
Cate got a phonecall and left the room, she then came back and said "Jordana," (i thought she was going to say, your dads on the phone wants to know when youre coming home)
but instead she said "Adam called to say hello to you and he'll see you soon." I whimpered
"oh, adam," as it was the only familiarity i could cling onto, and the room exploded with everyone saying "what about the rest of us!" Then we all screamed adams name down her mobile.
Later on as we were watching the movie, the brother spilt more drink, Cream soda exploded EVERYWHERE soaking some guy on the floor. I laughed a lot, no one else did. Made me happy. I stopped laughing when that weirdo said to his sister "CLAIRE, REMEMBER WHAT MUMMY SAID ABOUT MESS" in one of those, im showing off because this is my house and im really cool in my mind sort of way.
Finally we left.
Cate, Fiona, Jaime, Joel and I got lost from where ever we were, back to Surrey. It was a fun journey. They played weird songs and sang. I live near jaime. In the car i got a few calls from an undesirable (guess who), felt a bit depressed, but didnt answer and turned off my phone.
By the time i got home it was close to 1 am. Cate invited me out this monday night. I like my new group. Im glad Cates not a retard, im glad jaime's not up herself. Im glad Joel's got his head screwed on right, and im glad Fiona isnt as intimidating as she sounds when shes talking bout church stuff in institute.

i write waaaay too much dude.
havent even finished. Ariege and i talked a lot today. I write this stuff because i dont tell people about my day, and because i dont expect people to read this it just comes out. "Everything that goes in must come out." its nice. Its annoying though. But i still hide alot of it.
lalalalala laaaah.

last...thursday?

http://ariegedoesntusemsn.spaces.live.com/


So last thursday i got on a train to London Bridge. Was minding my own business listening to my music on it's little quaint shuffle mode. The guy i sat opposite kept talking super loudly on his phone, but i was polite and didnt look, i just sat on my chair very awkwardly so i didnt have to face him. At one point he was also listening to music and just kind of stared of me, but i think it was more to due with the fact it was a very cold day, but i was dressed "summer-ry."
*"Summer-ry" for Jordana means still dark colours but not very warm*
As the train came up to London Bridge, i looked down the train compartment before i stood up. While i was in the middle of standing up, i saw someone very familiar and as a result knocked my head against something (im not sure what it was, but it was yellow)
The first thing i said to them was "That's kinda weird." We smiled and gauche le train et marché par la gare. Some topics of conversation:
"Have you met him?"
"Ariege should go on the pill, I might make her when she comes back home."
"So how about you and...and...?"
"Ah yes Aaliyah's done a bit of shorthand too...how's the course/area/people etc."
"Aymon will most likely stay at Churchill"
"Hows le familia?" (except she didnt ask this in a muddle of spanish and french.)
At one point i realised i had walked too far and politely told her i better leave to find my tube stop.
"Tell Ariege i said hi," Said I.
"Tell Ariege you saw me!" Said Ariege's delightfully young looking mother, Diane.
Not the end though.
Found out what line i had to get on, and squeezed my self on. Through the gaps in people i saw her again, but it would have been a bit too much to squeeze through, say hello-o look i could have followed you here and we could have continued talking- then squeezed back through to get off a stop later.
Twas nice though.
Last night, Ariege called me, so i called her back (with a bit of hassle cos our phones arent compatible(cry))
Apparently to 3, 3 hours is a bit too long to talk to someone on the phone.
I screamed with fear when Ariege, telling me a story, suddenly changed her voice and said "Im sorreeeey, but you have used up all your voice minutes. Please call us on 313 and have a debit or credit card available to rrrrrreceive more minutes." damn 3.
the thing is, ive checked now and i still have over 400 minutes left.
From the horribly sad mood i was in yesterday, 2 and a half things cheered me up. The half was having a conversation with someone and knowing their next call wouldnt be for a few days. One was watching, "dont be a menace to society while drinking your juice in the hood." And the last was being interrupted while watching the movie, by Ariege saying "call me back."
Also Ariege, not to suck your butt, but im glad i talked to you about everything, like last year, as everyone would have given unhelpful criticism. Also you made me laugh with
"THAT'S forward. Are you SURE he's not fit?" Yes, positively. And our in depth, "so you were standing up, or lying down?" "i was in the bath." "o ok thats alright." "no, i was standing up."
When am i coming up to Brighton for a sunday?

My mood was spoilt by my phone cutting off, then James not telling me that the last 5 minutes of the movie didnt download. Loser.
I woke up happy this morning though, mostly because i forgot why i was so (bleugh) yesterday.
Im off to find a job/make flapjacks/ go home/hopefully ambush Laura today.
This is the longest i haven't seen Charlotte for in 10 years, getting quite weird.

Boredom makes me want to kill myself.

i really don't want tonight to happen.
I think i will start crying in front of someone. Why are my feet so cold? I wish i could sleep, i fell asleep at 2 and then woke up at half 4. And just lay there, aghhh even thinking about that makes me want to cry.
(i cant type noises) I wish i went to Thailand/Africa/Canada. Spending a "gap" year in an office, and then the rest of the time worrying/being sick/ crying/ being angry, is not the way to prepare yourself for uni.
Uh empty, this is so unbelievably boring. I'm going to eat until I'm not bored. I really want to go to that thing on Saturday. (just read really bad things about it, cant believe everything you read but that's just ruined it for me now) Ariege, if you come home for saturday, come with me, or i'll be alone again. 2-6 at maidstone (i never go for the whole thing though)
Leaving Hope.
Leaving my house soon for the wonderfully dead monday nights at uni
good day

Cry for everything bad thats ever happened.

I feel like if i don't write, it'll come out some other way, I'll verbally vomit or something.
When you're around by Motion city soundtrack and lover i don't have to love by Bright eyes are songs i cant stop listening to.
What i can see
Out of the glass doors and then through the windows, is a big thick haze. It's purple and behind it is the stars and the moon, but i can't see them though I'm just sitting here in the dark staring outside.
Carol and i were talking today. The things we were talking about applied to us, but we didn't let them. We were talking about someones lover who died when she was 19, and her relationship after that.
"So it didn't matter, no matter what he did, he wasn't enough."
"So the relationship was doomed from the start?"
Now they're with other people. At one point she looked at me, but i wasn't upset, it didn't apply to me in the slightest anymore. Then i said something, which must have hit her pretty hard, but she replied as if it didn't.
The truth is, i don't see the point in trying, if you know it's not going to work, or if the person isn't enough. This last week Ive thought about that twice. Monday, someone told me "The truth is, it was going to happen, and though you did everything to stop it, there is no way you would have."
When i think back about things, i realised i don't miss anything or anyone, i was just angry at the person who came in and tried her hardest to mess things up for me. I'm not sad or angry about that anymore.

It's just so weird to think how deep someone can affect you. I guess I'm really lucky, If a few months ago i could look into the future and see how i am now, id be shocked. I'm not coping anymore, I'm good/fine. But after Carol and I spoke, i spent an hour looking at the backs of peoples heads, and just thinking about it. One person i know a lot more than she'd like. When i wonder about how she feels now, i feel so sad.

There's a book my uncle lent me called, A History of the World in 10 1/2 chapters. One of the best books I'd ever read. I'd be sitting on the train or at work laughing or with my mouth wide open. At the end this guy has a dream where he's in Heaven and has everything he could ever want. But like everyone else before him, he chooses to finally die after.
in this i didn't talk about anything i planned to.

It MUST be obvious.

this week and a bad picture

So this week i was in a really bad mood, and it exploded on saturday night with me being so freakishly bored and frustrated that i packed a backpack and walked to Farnham Station.
(I should have said "exploded" as it wasnt obvious i was about to scream to anyone else 'cept me.) Mitchell texted me a couple times to ask if i was coming home, but by that time i made up my mind and was on a train to London.
Why were you so frustrated, you ask.
I dont know.
...well...i do obv. Just dont feel like telling.

Monday, home-i think i did something, but really cant remember what, o yeah i became a lady for the day and baked loads of stuff, then i ran over to Laras house and she wasnt there. Then we drove past at around 9, no answer. Then my familia drove to my uni and uploaded my crap, looked around my room, then left. I unpacked and slept.

Tuesday, RAN to my lesson to find out the teacher has us starting and finishing later-so we get a smaller lunch break, wicked. Emailed Jack throughout the lesson (be grateful) and then had to record my bit for our radio. Cooked lunch for the girls. In print i wrote stuff on my computer which was connected to a projector proclaiming to the class how i was boring and so was the lesson. My teacher turned round a couple of times when people started laughing...got on a train, went home, ate some of my baked stuff then off we went to chalk farm.

Wednesday. day off. I did NOTHING.

Thursday. Day off, nearly did nothing then met jack for lunch. He told me to walk to london bridge, so i did, i didnt think i would enjoy it, but i did. Everyone on Tower Bridge was wrapped up with scarves and gloves and stuff, while i just strolled along in a really thin jumper thing. It was nice, usually hate the cold. Then i went home, nearly smashed my computer and went back to uni. I SWEAR coldest night of my life.
walked to uni
walked to su
walked back to house
walked to neareashas shop
walked/ran back to house
ran to su
waited outside su
walked back to house
walked back to su
walked back to house
(^that's how long i was in the cold for, and in that time (about 3 hours) i got home, talked to Dan Castro, got disappointed, got ready for bed, got a phone call, went out, got another phone call, blagged a free ticket for the sold out party, got ready and then went.)(did a lot of running too)
The Halloween party was ok. Everyone left saying "best party ever." so maybe i missed something. Tosan and i wore my huge wig for parts of the night, but the hairs ended up in our eyes, so we spent a lot of the time holding each others eyes open and trying to get them out. Dan and i did the whole reminiscing about Olaves and Newstead and better music, but then did the whole stupid dance thing anyway. At one point this guy was trying to mc over REALLY bad music, Dan started laughing because i unknowingly put on the most disgusted face he'd ever seen. So then we pretended to enjoy it, by going up to the guy and dancing, but then screaming CUT, while doing the cut throat action. This just spurred bad guy on even more so we went into the other room. There was a live band which was cool, but everyone was standing around so a bit boring. AND my feet ached because of my heavy shoes.
Funny stuff that was said:
"I'm a fairy"
"Why is your skin so brown?" (asked by a girl wearing a Cleopatra costume to me, when i said "um i was born this way" she gave me a dirty look and walked off with her tan lines streaking, weirdo)
"You know, its cold outside"- Tosan bursting into my room when i was in the middle of getting ready, while looking at what i was wearing.
"My piercing stinks of cheese"-Hannah, no explanation.
some random guy who followed me around all night, "so you wouldnt get a piercing there? why not? But you said it would be for yourself, and it would be! Well i think you would enjoy it!"

The BAD mc "when i saw Halloween, you say (inaudible). HALLOWEEN!" *silence*
-minus Dan and i screaming "CUT, please please cut."

At the end we were told to go to the main stage, we saw tom fiona and mario and the french chick dancing on the stage to the un-danceable band. I walked to the balcony and Dan and i were talking/leaning on each other. Then i turns around and Hannah's crying her eyes out. Everyone said to just leave her, "we dont know why shes crying." But it was obvious, so i hugged her and said to come back to our house.
We all went back and she had stopped, but she also didnt talk to me for the rest of the time, including the next morning, (out of embarrassment most likely.) I told Tos and Dan to talk to her more. Mitchell told us pikeys had broken into our house and tried to hurt Emma, so we did a big walkaround check thing. Dan and Tom juggled our free cutlery from the Ottakers skip outside and smashed all the plates.

Friday
Letters from the Uni telling us we were to be given a disciplinary if the garden wasnt cleared. We looked outside and it was horrible.
O yeah and i missed shorthand, waaaay too tired. History lesson was ok. Watched Erin Brokovich with Mitchell. EVERYONE went home for the weekend, which was meant to be my first one at uni.

Saturday, couldnt get up. Then got up. Decided to clean room so threw everything on the floor. Gave up had shower. Returned and put everything on bed. Decided to watch pulp fiction while cleaning, but played with camera. Then did hair while watching movie, then kicked everything off the bed. Then walked outside, thought for a while and gave up, waved wildly at Emmas mum in the kitchen and walked through Farnham with my bags.
It was really nice, cold BUT good. Usually i hate fireworks.
The train was cancelled. I got all excited thinking the Turners were having their bonfire/fireworks night, but James told me it was cancelled. So got off the train and walked home even more frustrated. I should have called Laura.
ahh disappointments, I'm so used to them, I'm beginning to love it.
Sunday, meant to be getting ready for church.... la lalalalalala
I think its time to buy a coat.
22 days to go.

he actually called up to say

censored


(this is another thing adding to my anger tonight, i would just go and watch fight club but james is mixing music in here)

ariege where the hell did YOU piss off to? You said "im gonna be coming back and forth, keep talking to me."
ARGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Tell this liam dude hes taking the piss now, he sees you everyday while ive talked to you TWICE in the last 2 months. (if i had a car id drive down to brighton...ablah blah blah.)

Laura was meant to meet me for lunch, tomorrow im storming into snappy snaps and dragging her out so i can finally EAT. i dont care if that weird anastacia "i know cory" girl moans.

Chloe's just told me shes coming down for my birthday (i just realised why this is a bad thing)
anyway...this MADE me happy as i need comfort right now, and shes the only one whose presence comforts me on the dreaded day, but then again it wont be on the day.
I realise now this is a bad thing as i think i want to be in farnham on my birthday as i havent told anyone (except my flatmates/close friends) when it is. Also now shes saying she'll get everyone to come down for it, no freaking way. If all the newstead/olaves crew come to bromley im going to see ellerie in nottingham....hmm maaaybe i will.
I hate MY birthday more than i hate...YOU.
James is staring at me.
"what IS wrong?" then he played me a song that went "ding dong, ring a ding, ring ding dong, " which did exactly what he planned. Ok im happy now.
hehee dong...

scream

Ariege and i are talking about being lesbians (well, i am) minus the hugging kissing and sex, because that would freak me out. I'm sure everyone who used to see us together always (mostly at fayes) thought we were lesbians. It would be easier than now...ish.
I'm such a wuss, PUNK.
Yesterday saw my uncle play in London with Jack, was wellllll good. This dude who looked a bit nerdish played and one his songs had such good lyrics so i actually got some...ovaries, and talked to him.
My uncle BLATE rocked, in a mellow way. He was a bit happy, seeing as he told my dad that i was the only member of the family to actually GO see him play. That's horrible (father if you still read this, go see your brother play-he is working for you and all) I asked him if he was nervous and he said he kinda was, which shocked me because i was joking. Then he said it was because playing in front of a concert crowd is easier than a small group, because the bigger crowd really gets into it, which i get.


Anyway... I want to talk to Jolyon.

"blah blah o no, this person is this....so therefore this cant happen"
if i wasnt so censored on this freaking thing maybe i could make more sense AND be more obvious.
Billie invited me to something tonight, so i texted her and she sent this communal text back telling everyone it was cancelled-thanks love, i didnt even want to go anyway-you knew that...o crap maybe i should go to maidstone.
noooo.

Charlotte and i talked on the phone today, weird and straight to some sort of point, which made me angry, actually. i thought the whole time, it was ME. (ok maybe relief (no not really) and not anger) I'll call her again some other day, when i get confused again.
ive been watching fight club every night,
argh, i mean its not the first thing you think of before you step into it, is it?



this just doesnt make sense, i shouldnt even post it, but whatev.
(scream)

o yeah, steven asked me to read christina rossetti's the convenant something, the covenant threshold, espesh the 5th and 6th stanza, someone please read it for me and tell me what the point of me reading it would be.