Cry for everything bad thats ever happened.

I feel like if i don't write, it'll come out some other way, I'll verbally vomit or something.
When you're around by Motion city soundtrack and lover i don't have to love by Bright eyes are songs i cant stop listening to.
What i can see
Out of the glass doors and then through the windows, is a big thick haze. It's purple and behind it is the stars and the moon, but i can't see them though I'm just sitting here in the dark staring outside.
Carol and i were talking today. The things we were talking about applied to us, but we didn't let them. We were talking about someones lover who died when she was 19, and her relationship after that.
"So it didn't matter, no matter what he did, he wasn't enough."
"So the relationship was doomed from the start?"
Now they're with other people. At one point she looked at me, but i wasn't upset, it didn't apply to me in the slightest anymore. Then i said something, which must have hit her pretty hard, but she replied as if it didn't.
The truth is, i don't see the point in trying, if you know it's not going to work, or if the person isn't enough. This last week Ive thought about that twice. Monday, someone told me "The truth is, it was going to happen, and though you did everything to stop it, there is no way you would have."
When i think back about things, i realised i don't miss anything or anyone, i was just angry at the person who came in and tried her hardest to mess things up for me. I'm not sad or angry about that anymore.

It's just so weird to think how deep someone can affect you. I guess I'm really lucky, If a few months ago i could look into the future and see how i am now, id be shocked. I'm not coping anymore, I'm good/fine. But after Carol and I spoke, i spent an hour looking at the backs of peoples heads, and just thinking about it. One person i know a lot more than she'd like. When i wonder about how she feels now, i feel so sad.

There's a book my uncle lent me called, A History of the World in 10 1/2 chapters. One of the best books I'd ever read. I'd be sitting on the train or at work laughing or with my mouth wide open. At the end this guy has a dream where he's in Heaven and has everything he could ever want. But like everyone else before him, he chooses to finally die after.
in this i didn't talk about anything i planned to.

It MUST be obvious.