Choking on my water lung.

I have that song 'wouldnt get far' by the game and blah in my head. Spent the night/morning at Nereasha's then washed sarahs car at 3.30 am. Was a very fun filled night, with accidental bonding.
Vanessa is having her AS party tonight, a few of my friends have dropped out because they dont have lectures Friday (unlike me) and so are leaving me. Which means more awkward 'fun' for me. I am quite terrified but it will be an experience, a nove, accidental nose picking experience. With lace.

My housemates are slowly sickening me. My neighbour now knocks on my door so much, one day i will pretend i have no idea who he is and say "o may gawww! like, whats a comic book? Who's Captain America? Is he from America? He's totally hott." But then again, he'd probably like that, boys go for dumb girls, rytz? (twiddles hair)
shuddering, should sleep now-lectures tomorrow.
uhhhh

RRRAAAAGGEEEE

I am in a rage right now.

Im not going to do anything about it...

This is probably the first time I've felt remotely homesick.
I might get on a train now.

I drew a picture to get rid of my anger

Define:

O devil, devil!
If that the earth could teem with woman's tears,
Each drop she falls would prove a crocodile.
Out of my sight!

Crocodile tears is false or insincere weeping, a hypocritical display of emotions. The expression comes from an ancient anecdote that crocodiles weep in order to lure their prey, or that they cry for the victims they are eating. They are fake tears.

An alternate explanation for the expression's origin is that crocodile tears cannot be authentic because crocodiles cannot cry; they lack tear ducts. However, while crocodiles can and do generate tears, they do not weep or cry for remorse.

Replace 'tear' with 'smile'
et je suis un crocodile!

Cant remember why i hated that subject in A2.
got to go, sarah's on a mission to cheer me up
LATERZ

No need for an explanation

I've been pushing them away far too long. I love my blink babies.
Dammit
It's alright to tell me what you think about me
I won't try to argue or hold it against you
I know that you're leaving, you must have your reasons
The season is calling your pictures have fallen down

The steps that you retraced the sad look on my face
The timing and structure, did you hear, he fucked her, ( he did)
A day late, a buck short he's writing the report
On losing and failing when I move I'm flailing now

And it's happened once again, I'll turn to a 'friend'
Someone that understands, sees through the master plan
But everybody's gone and I've been here for too long
To face this on my own, well I guess this is growing up

And maybe I'll see you at a movie, sneak preview
You show up and walk by on the arm of that girl
And I'll smile and you'll wave
We'll pretend it's okay
The charade, it won't last
When she's gone, I won't come back

And it'll happen once again, you'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands, sees through the master plan
But everybody's gone, and you've been there for too long,
To face this on your own, well I guess this is growing up

Well, I guess this is growing up

Nuuuthing to lose (another great blink song) 'cos everything's gone.

As I was waiting for something last Friday, i was looking out across the street, and it was a really sunny day. And i thought about people i used to know and talk to. And i realised the worst people to make friends with, are those who have nothing to lose. Because yeah, they might be fun, but there's more to it than that.

A Medium Day.

Compared to other days i have been having recently, this has been a medium day.
My mother's day gift was wrapped in foil-she called it "innovative."
We went to church in Orpington, i was scared, was positive it was going to be a really bad day.
Throughout the first meeting, I saw a certain someone turn round and look at me with shock, i pretended i hadn't noticed, and for the first time i felt as if i didn't care.
My mum then told me that she was leaving early, and with out Ariege, Charlotte, Ellerie or Naomi there, i felt a bit lonesome but i agreed to stay.
It wasn't so bad. Someone was expectedly rude to me around 1, but o well, chocolate brownies cheered me up.
I tried to hustle my family out but they were socialising. So i went upstairs and talked to charlottes oldest sister, then someone else and someone else. Until i noticed CS waiting. After everyone had gone CS approaches me ( i actually backed away from nerves) and then apoligised for everything they had ever done. Came as a bit of a shock and i was happy, but not planning on being best friends again. But it helps a lot. This had the potential to be a very bad day.
We talked about things that had happened and other people...and at one point i felt like saying, well now you're saying all this, can you please go tell everyone else who is wrongly judging me? But i didnt. No point. If they chose his word over mine and still treat me the way they do, then i'll never care what they think.

It's so cold. Im going back to Uni tomorrow after 3 weeks. I'm glad the union is free. Im not too sure how im getting to Surrey with no money. And there's a super hero theme on tomorrow night. Fun i guess.
I would like to add a picture now:
(what shall i choose, hmm hmmm hmm... oooh!)





This was taken in Trinidad, was just an unusual scene, i wish my camera was better. I am definitely going back there one day for some sort of celebration/something.
That place is tres magnifique. I miss it bad.


Update- Hah, drama does follow me. I am so sick of this.

The Uncle.

My mother has a brother named Ian. In all of the years that i lived in Trinidad i had never met him. I visited Trinidad after we moved in '98. And again when i was in between year 11 and 12. That was the first time I met him.
I dont really know why it had taken this long for me to see him. When i saw him he was nothing like i had imagined. He didnt even look at me or my sister. We got in his car and drove to our house from wherever i was with my cousins. (Thinking back, im not sure why he picked us up-he was usually too busy or...)
Along the way i realised he was drunk, my aunt joked that she would be more worried if he wasn't drunk, because that's what he's used to.
My uncle started driving at 9. He's the 2nd oldest and at that age, the only living male in their family. I guess he made things easier for my mum and her sisters by being able to drive that young. He is also a mechanic. He is also always drunk.
The 2nd time i saw him was when we left. He came to our house to give us stuff. I was always around Alex when we were together so he started talking to me. For the whole trip, i had become so interested about him i hadnt stopped asking my aunts about every detail.
He kept looking at me and laughing, saying that he saw something of him in my eyes (which isnt a good thing, but it felt like it was at the time) I dont remember our conversation apart from that-except the feeling of being very happy I finally talked to him.

2007- Visiting Judy the 2nd time, we saw him outside her house (he lives with them) fixing a car. He looked at us, and i have no idea what he said.(O apart form calling my sister "whatless" that was hilarious though. "why did you bring whatless?" Sorry Anielia!)
We (My sis, mother and i) went inside to see the others. When he came inside he talked about alcohol for a while, was saying something about punch and punching (i know realise he meant puncheon rum) and then walked out.
A while later..."Hey, confederate." I had no idea who he was talking to, but my mum turned around and he called her outside to talk.
Then my cousin Jade came round. Another while later, my mother and Ian return and he says, "hmmm mana hmmm mana" (i have no idea what he said) pointed at Jade, muttered something about Satan and then walked out.
"Did you hear what he calls me?"
"no?"
"Satan"
No one found it as funny as i did, i just couldnt imagine why he'd call my stay out of trouble cousin satan. I then asked what he calls Alex:
"Asshole." I had to hide my laugh as Alex decided to notice i was in the room.
Blah blah blah, Ian came back in the room and i asked what my nickname was. Didnt have one. So i asked him what my name was. "You know me guuurl, im not good with names."
I pointed at my mum, "Do you know her name?" He swore at me and left the room.

After a nice evening with other members of my family on my mums side, we decided to get a taxi home. Judy came with us. The whole night i didnt feel comfortable with her sitting away from us or not being in the conversation. Sitting next to her was hard. I tried to imagine what she was thinking, and kept looking at her hands. I couldnt understand where Judy was. It just seemed like she had no emotion, apart from being scared or sad. (My sister had told me that she had smiled/laughed when i was messing around with my cousins before, but when i turned to look she just looked the same.)
When we arrived to her house, she got out the car without a word or a look at us. That was the last time i saw her. My sister and mum got out, but i couldnt. The taxi driver turned the car around. My uncle walked up to the car with my mum. He asked me why i didnt get out, and i faked a smile. When he saw i was crying, he opened the door and hugged me, and he called me a name (i just couldnt make it out, im so dissapointed)

In my last post, i said that i felt like i hated my cousins. This wasnt for nothing. My aunt has high blood pressure. She recieves free tablets to help control this, but it needs to be collected. I dont know how long it was, but her kids did not collect them. So she became ill just before we arrived. She was meant to spend a week in Tobago with us, our last week, but this had to be cancelled.
I couldnt understand why people who did nothing all day, could allow her to get ill, for no reason.

When i asked, my mum told me that she told Judy it was the last time she was seeing us this trip. I cant remember her reaction. I just felt sick at myself that i was selfish enough to not say goodbye.

My cousins, Adriel and Damian, were waiting for me when i got home to talk. Man, i miss them.


I miss Alex too.

The Aunt

In Trinidad, we stayed at a resort in Salybia, that was during the time i saw the turtle. When we came back, we went to see my mums side of the family. I had only seen three people from this side, and in England.
We went to Judy's house first, which in retrospect was the best idea.
I was so nervous, i felt sick in the car. I tried to ignore it by reading.
When we got there, my dad had to go park the car. My sister was ill. So it was just me, my mum and brother walking up the steps. My aunt looked at us through the windows and i felt even more sick. She stood at the tops of the stairs where my mum said hello and we went inside. At first, it didn't seem like she recognised me, she sat down and looked a bit afraid as my mum and James hugged her. Then my mum said "We bought Jordana this time." (Everyone except me had been back to Trinidad and seen her in the last four years)
My aunt had a stroke 2 years ago. I don't really understand what strokes do to you. The one other person i know who had one cant walk, but she still talks and understands the same. When this aunt had a stroke, i was in a really bad place, putting even more stress on my mum, who had to leave for Trinidad. I still don't understand what happened. All i know is that this aunt, Judy, couldn't walk and was in bed for a long time. At first she couldn't remember things, people, and then it came back. Apparently she cried a lot. But then she started walking and reading again. (We used to go to orpington library every week and take out the maximum amount of books the library would lend us.) But something about her is different or not there now.
My aunts later told me that she doesn't talk unless you say something or ask her a question. She doesn't ask questions.
So when my mum said, "We bought Jordana this time," my aunt looked really sad, and then like she didn't know how to say the words that she wanted to come out.
"But how come she looks so much like...like...," and she started tapping her wrist to try and think of the name. My mum and i just looked down, and i knew what she was going to say but didn't want to say. I think my mum said "young?" but i said "Sarah" and Judy looked up at me and said "yes," and looked like she was going to cry again.
I sat down and looked around.
This aunt lived with us for a year, a while after we first moved to england. She made things easier for me, in a way, she made friends with some of the mums in my year 2 class, and introduced me to someone who is now in jail. She met James and i from school and we'd always walk home, and we never argued, we just had really good conversations, about books and nothing.
So when i sat down, i thought about all of this, but i didn't want to cry.
I met one of her daughters i was never close to, and who i never thought much of. Then another.
I could hear water running and knew it was my other cousin. His name is Alex and he is 14 days younger than me. I was meant to be named Alex, but i was a girl and he wasn't. He used to be my best friend. And until i saw him, he still kind of was. I hadn't seen him for 4 years. I was so excited to see him, for nothing.
So I sat there, excited and nervous and not knowing what to do or what to think. I kept looking at my aunt and when she looked at me id smile nervously until she looked away.
Alex walked in, mumbled something, hugged my mum and sat down. Then he watched t.v. The last time i saw him, we cried and wrote each other letters constantly, about him coming to England and how much we missed each other. The whole visit, he acted like i wasn't there.
There isn't much more. I tried to talk to him. He has a tattoo on his forehand now, and i asked him about it. He looked at my brother when he replied. I tried to smile. I happened to see a picture of my family on their wall, and then near it a picture of her before the stroke, looking like her funny normal self. And i remembered her jokes, and how she was so big before but used to say she was sexy, and her voice.
I hugged everyone else except for him when we left. I wanted to hug him. As i hugged my aunt i whispered to her that i loved her and she started crying and said she loved me too, which was the most she said all night, along with what she said at the beginning.
I forced myself not to cry in front of her, but as soon as i walked down their steps i started. And i hid behind the van so incase anyone was looking they couldnt see me. James was behind me. He looked at me then looked away. My dad unlocked the van after seeing me crying. I tried to stop and he asked me what i said.
"She's crying."
And nothing. I felt so angry and sad and helpless and thats all they could say.
Then my mum came in and asked if i was ok. I stopped crying and looked up and tried to nod yes but said no.
We talked about how it would have probably been better for my aunt if she had died. I thought about how much harder this must have been for my mum, especially the year it happened, and when she had to leave for Trinidad when i was ruining my life at home.
I thought about my aunts kids and felt as if i hated them. Then all i could think of was her picture, and how that person didnt exist anymore. And what if she was really inside that body, and was trapped. And i hoped that she wasnt, that she was just a shell now. But i was glad i saw her. And i cried all the way to my next cousins house.

The Turtle.

I cant remember which night it was (which makes me a bit sad.) But i do remember it was the night of the eclipse.
We had driven for so long to a beach in Toco. I was in the front with my aunt, actually spending time with her. We fell asleep on each other and i kept waking up because the road was so bumpy. Her husband was driving and in the back, 9 others. We arrived at around Midnight. I remember standing around waiting, and looking straight up to see the moon. And i remember being really shocked that it wasn't a crescent moon like during the eclipse but was now a full moon.
(The eclipse was the scariest most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The shadow on the moon made it look like it was so close to us.)
We then started walking to the beach. The moon was so bright we could see without torches. We had been there a few hours earlier, so now we could see the huge lumps on the sand.
Even though i knew it was there, i still jumped when i saw the turtle. It was huge and it looked like someone had placed a large piece of shiny dark armour on the ground. The turtle hadn't moved yet and then it's back legs kicked up some sand.
We had a guide who told us that she'd dig until the hole underneath was 3 foot deep or when she couldn't dig anymore. We watched for about 10 minutes while the guide told us about her.
Leather backs can grow to about 8 foot, and the largest they've had in Trinidad that they recorded was 13. My aunt said, "No one knows how old a turtle is...except the turtle" and the guide laughed. I felt quite afraid but excited at the same time.
My cousins and I mostly stood in silence just walking to each other and leaning on one another.
Then the guide told us that when she was ready she would start going into a trance. I asked if she was nervous because we were standing around her, he didn't really answer me.
Then she went really still. He lifted up one of her legs which was covering the hole and shone his light on the eggs she had already laid. It was nice to see them, but i felt sick thinking that her legs were probably there to protect the eggs, and how he just lifted them up without permission (sounds stupid, but I'm sure she cared)
He told us that while she was in a trance we could touch her and feel what she feels like. He said it twice before her trance and i thought he said "you can feel what shes feeling," which was weird.
Some of us knelt around her to touch her skin. Her head was just like the shell on her back, but her neck was kind of soft, but strong at the same time. I just kept stroking a part on her...fin? because it felt really delicate. Throughout she kept lifting her head up and we would hear her breathing loudly.
I remember being next to an aunt at the time, and telling her that i felt really emotional, and she didn't even have to say anything.
Mathew and I named the turtle Emelda.
It was quite sad to see her cover up her eggs and then walk off down to the sea.
All i could think of was how violent the sea was that day, and the scars my brother and I had gotten from the waves and the rocks. And how she was by herself. But I guess they're made to be that way.

Back

So, we're back now, as of a few hours.
Tobago was awesome. We swam in the middle (or maybe to the left) of the Atlantic ocean which was slightly good.
The trip was really emotional (for me, in Trinidad) i got angry a few times but im sure people mistook it as me being sad.
I saw someone i was really close to years ago and hadnt seen or spoken to in 4 years. She's not the same now. In fact she's not the person she was before/im not sure if shes even there. That was probably the most painful thing i've had to go through, which is surprising. My cousins helped a lot.
We talked about death maybe nearly every day on this trip which was weirdly comforting.
I last saw them yesterday morning (TnT time), but i miss them so much already.
Tobago is beautiful, i took some tearful pictures of it from the plane. Might post some if i ever find my camera cable.
BEST HOLIDAY EVER.
But now I'm even more excited for summer and Canada and frickin Komasket.
BFFL.

All of this music

Look at the link if you want (in le title)
"Trinidad-arrived Saturday night.
Pearls 75th Party Sunday night.
We arrived pretty late on saturday night as there were problems in tobago wiuth connecting flights, but luckily managed to get on to the last plane.
Arrived in Trinidad-the heat hits you straight away. Saw my cute little cousins who then begged for me to sleep in their room that night. I didnt get any sleep-one got angry that i was too tired to play hide and seek, that she ordered me off of the bed to sleep on the floor. She then cried for a few more hours before falling asleep-so my other cousin wke up and loudly whispered to me "she's asleep now, you can come on the bed." Waking the other cousin. Then the whole night they somehow seemed to "culminate" around me nearly pushing me off the bed.

In the morning, while just walking round the pool i saw a canadian cousin randomly walking around, i nearly rubgy tackled him to the groud from my excitement. Then another car pulled up and it was tres emotional seeing all the canadians again.

At the party, (which was such a success) kinda spent the whole time lighting candles. The decorations were so good-lights all in the palm trees,a water fountain in the pool, a big white marquee with floating white cloths around it, and then little brown bags with tea candles around the pool. I spent most of the time lighting these and at one point i lit a bag instead of the candle inside and burnt my fingers and hair. Quite painful now. (And its not as retared as it sounds, dont judge)

We met Robert, the gay decorater, tres fabulous. At one point whilst dancing as a family an uninvited arrived and tried dancing with me, so robert whisked me away as he could see i was not impressed.A surprise for the night were the drum players, tassa youth they were called. That was so good, its like you couldnt help but love it-amazing, they played for about 5 minutes about 5 times during the night-not enough. All the invited guests seemed apathetic but all the real family were jumping around the pool-tres good.
The best surprise was the belly dancer, very beautiful-mathew was mesmerised or unimpressed, we couldnt tell. She asked for someone to dance with her near the end of her show but everyone was too shy, then Adriel suddenly started dancing with her, all of us who knew him laughed.I got tired very early- maybe the surreal ness of sitting with my mum singing angels or watching her dance with my aunt to abba was a bit too much to handle- some of the best parts though.
Anielia, Hannah (my cousin) and i eneded the night by playing a carnival song over and over again while dancing around the roundabout in the middle of the apartment compound. It was called "chipping" or something. Ive just woken up after falling asleep on a swinging chair thing in the sun-mmmm. "


This was originally written on Monday. Today is Friday. Went to some club called Zen on Wednesday night, went in V.I.P. Tres terrible. Well i hated it anyway. My sister had some loser tag along with us. He thinks he has a chance with her...eurgh.

We're off to Salybia now. Come back Sunday. Then our last day in Trinidad before Tobago on Tuesday. Its a shame we're leaving from Tobago.

Im not going to see my cousin, who i used to be really close to. On wednesday i heard dissapointment after dissapointment which is maybe why i had such a crap time. Im loving it here though, getting quite close to my cousins and one particular cousin who i used to be extremely close to, but we had previously drifted very far from one another.
Im tired and feel sick but i dont want to leave.

Hannah and i have been singing regina spektor's fidelity, which is making me happy and nervous.

Sick family make me sad. Gotta loves ya.